remember everything

I have to come to terms about my lost childhood! It is way gone! I am 50 years old and I have been looking for things hidden when nothing is really hidden. I was molested when I was 11 years old by a deacon of The First Baptist Church in Conyers. He was a Social Worker at the Orphanage I was in also. This was in 1968. That year the World lost Martin Luther King and Robert Kennedy and I Lost my innocense. Where were my parents, I asked myself then and now, when the body of that middle age, out of shape, sweating and smelly old man was raping and beating me! What happen to allow that kind of treatment , not only to me but my siblings, that caused so many scars to so many children?
My Life, as any other child that had no Mother & Father to go to, became grounded to reality the Day I realized I was an orphan.

This is something I’m thinking about all the time. Not only when I’m doing something exceptional.
Behind every corner lurks my fear of forgetting. Forgetting how happy I am, how I feel, what I do. I can walk in the park on a beautiful summer’s day and feel enormous bliss and terrible panic at the same time: because I can’t hold on to it. How will I ever remember exactly how it felt? I can’t hold on to all the joy I feel, I can’t contain it. And it rips me apart.
This is why every time I go on a holiday, I write in a journal. Not because I like it, no, as a matter of fact, I hate it. But all the glueing down receipts and collecting city maps pays off. Afterwards, flipping through my little books, I feel nothing but gratitude. Sure, I can’t exactly remember how I felt. But I’m positive that I was happy, I can feel the sand burning under my feet, I can taste the icecream that I ate on that cosy piazza again.
My battle against ephemerality will never be won, but I feel that at least, it won’t be lost either.

If you could remember everything, school would’ve actually payed off.

Anyone that knows me knows I don’t have to explain this one.

meatloaf

the older i get, the less i remember. by the time i’m 30 i’ll be forgetting my own name.

I’d just settle for people’s names… It’s getting really embarrassing…
MM