draw the balance for 2008

When I look back, I see 2008 as the year of stories. Stories about things I’ve done, about things I haven’t done, about friends and family, about new friends and new family members, things to brag about and things to laugh off. Offhand, without looking over my 43T entries, I think the only goals I’ve actually achieved were running-related. But even without so many goals ticked off, I’m happy with what I got from 2008. And some of those are really good stories too. :)

Time to finish this particular goal off before the new year kicks in – and time for less frippary and a slightly more serious look at 2008.

I’ve decided that 2008 was a good year – not great, but certainly ‘worth it’ in 43T lingo! The major wins were a fab new job – after however many years of employment, I finally feel like I’m somewhere I’m suited for, which is NOT to be sneezed at! – and passing two exams, bringing me halfway through the total. Now, those are huge things and should most assuredly be celebrated!

For the rest of my goals… well, 2008 has been a great learning curve. Yes, there are things I didn’t really make much progress with – but since I find myself caring, those are clearly things to carry over to the next year of achieving – with a little more focus!

Part of the problem with the year past, I think, was setting too many things up as ‘goals’, when in fact they were just tasks or things to do anyway. A goal is something with a defined outcome, methinks, something to aim for and work towards. So for me, my goals are studying, fitness and healthfullness – the ‘end point’ might be a little fuzzy (health outcome: just, being healthier?!) but definitely things I want to keep top in my mind.

Of course, I still want to write, make cards, go to the cinema, read, keep my house clean and tidy, etc – but these are hobbies (and chores!), and not goals. The lesson from 2008 is that if you set everything as a goal, then you can pretty much do whatever you like and pass it off as working on something – diluting whatever focus you might have had, and making it likely that you’ll reach no endpoints at all.

That said, all good. Two big wins in a year is not to be sniffed at. I end the year with a clearer picture of what I what to do with the next 12 months, and a little more certainty that I can and will achieve those things!

Thank you, 2008. You served me well :)

A whole year, so much… let’s start with the trivial:

Books: 37 – far less than usual. I blame studying (hah!) and a couple of real brick-books. I also did a lot more re-reading than I have in a while, so maybe went a bit slower through those books not rushing to find out what happens? Anyway. Enjoyed discovering the Dune series, and finishing Sword of Truth.

Cinema: 30 – meaning I’ve gotten sort-of worth out of my cinema pass (if I ignore the fact I realised I can get the student rates). I most liked Iron Man and Mamma Mia; there were a LOT of mediocre films this year, though.

Why? I love reading. I love movies. Maybe I’ll figure out a bigger point someday :)

ok, let’s try the why play

fact: the goals of my BYY2008 are ALL unachieved
why?
were they too ambitious? or perhaps too humble?
fact: I haven’t really worked at those!
why?
perhaphs they were irrelevant and there was a huge silent goal underneath sabotaging everything? the hidden phantom goal that Cranberries and I experience so well ;-}
If so what was this hidden goal?
perhaps to keep distance from people I love most
why?
to punish them, to punish me or both
to feel free and be independent
but
it didn’t work
I have to cover the distance from negative liberty to positive liberty
starting from negative liberty didn’t work
if I focus on exerting my choice of positive liberty will my negative liberty come along?
Guess so.
ok, so that’s the plan for 2009:
achieve freedom not only from the obstacles caused by others in my life but the freedom to design my life as I like it to be.

strategies:
- deliberate action
- mindfulness
- consider others as occasions for understanding and surprise!

Time to set the goals for 2009, but 10 are way too many

2008 hasn’t really been a great year, and I don’t feel there’s a LOT to say about it, but I’ll give it a quick once-over so I can mark this done.

• Finally ended 4+ year saga of seemingly inescapable relationship with deadbeat loser juvenile-delinquent-souled JACKASS.
• Took GREs, applied to grad school, got accepted, and got a nice scholarship (not as much as I wanted, but still better than nothing).
• Lost 20 lbs and fit back into my “skinny” jeans, or at least, am able to zip them, if not sit comfortably in them. Still. Progress.
• Ran for 30 minutes in a row for the first time in my entire life. Then fell off wagon and lost most cardiovascular endurance. Currently able to manage 1 mile, which is still longer than I ever jogged in my previous 33 years.
• One month went to gym 25 times. Currently, 1 time in last 2 months. Still. Intermittent progress.
• Brother moved in with me and am working on having a healthy relationship with him, since we’re going to stay roomies until school finishes for both of us.
• Didn’t read much.
• Watched a LOT of tv and movies.
• Had virtually no social life.
• Did reconnect online with my long-lost college friend, Alexis, and am fostering a friendship with her.
• Became an actual part of the 43t community in a way that I wasn’t in the first couple of years I had an account, and formed some really amazing friendships with extraordinary, inspiring people around the whole planet. Doesn’t feel like an achievement exactly, but it’s definitely one of the clearest highlights of 2008.

2008 is my oddest, fullest, adultest, saddest year this far, with some brilliant moments of happiness amidst all the tears.

In May, I did the BYY plan with my friend, and looking back on it now, seven months later… it’s funny. There were a couple of very important goals about clarity and honesty and courage in relationships that I eventually ended erasing from the “official” version of the list. But, in actual fact, these ‘ghost goals’ are the ones that I ended up accomplishing, not the official goals that were all about academic excellence. (Turandot’s post on the wonky relation of writing down goals and actually making them happen really resonated with me. We all have so much more going on within us – unconscious and half-conscious desires and needs and wants – than our conscious goals, and sometimes it’s these things that really drive us instead of our proclaimed will.)

A very wise friend recently pointed out when I complained about not having been able to put my career first this autumn that I haven’t exactly been idle – I’ve just had a different set of priorities in the pursuit of which I have shown at least some courage and perseverence. It’s a very kind way of putting it. I feel my priorities have been improper and non-legitimate for this particular phase of my (postdoctoral) life; that I should have just been able to concentrate on being a scholarly writing machine. But, this has not been something I have been able to do, and I’ll just have to admit that and try to learn something from it.

Looking back on the BYY plan, my three guidelines were
1. Face difficult stuff with courage and honesty
2. Do first things first
3. Be open and flexible about learning new things beyond fixed thought patterns and ideas

I think I’ve done ok in 1) and 3), and have been surprising myself with 2) – with what I really consider to be ‘first things’ when push comes to shove. I have a lot to learn about the practical side of doing first things first, still, but more metaphysically – I actually think I’m putting the first class important things first, though this is a very heretic thing to say as an academic.

More than anything, I think this has been a year of learning – about work, myself, love, marriage, Europe vs. USA, friendship, etc. And I’m truly, thoroughly grateful for this year. Tough, unsettling, heartbreaking, rocky, flawed in many many many ways – but a year overflowing with life, and not a month of it boring.

• Deciding to get a divorce. (This may seem odd, but it does fall under the category ‘good stuff’ for me. Hard to explain.)
• Getting through the last half of my lecturer job honourably and getting good student evaluations.
• Finishing the university pedagogy studies.
• Getting an article published.
• Moving to Chicago & living in Chicago!
• All the lovely 43Ters I’ve met this year – Turandot, Snowleopard, RuthG, Ello, Mahinui, Dom7. :)
• The kindness and support of both old and new friends.
• Being forced to face some pretty painful stuff, to take a good look at myself, and forced to act in order to grow to the direction of who I’d like to be.
• Three very good academic presentations I could be proud of, and that also got me noticed by some rather nice people.
• My first ever invited conference paper in Portugal.
• Singing in a band again.
• Doing the Couch to 5K program in eight weeks and knowing I can run at least 6 km if I ever need to.
• Road trip 1.
• Road trip 2.
• Other stuff.
• Some moments of really incandescent happiness.
• Gravity and flight.

• Lots of crying. Haven’t cried this much since I was 14, I think.
• That pesky heartbreak stuff.
• Way too little writing. Failing in both the book contract and the submitting three articles this year goal.
• Falling off the GTD wagon.
• Lots and lots of confusion about what I want and what I can do.

to overturn the balance
in the very last days of the year?

So much could still change!

- I wasn’t there for my lifemate. I was almost never with him. This is time lost forever.

- I wasn’t there for my friends. (but the week with Sequana was a little diamond emerging from the sea of lost occasions) N, C, I, M, B, they all have been waiting visits, emails, phone calls from me for a long time. Christmas comes and what do I wish for? Time to be with myself and rest at last. And these are the really good friends! I feel quite inhuman.

- I deserted my parents as well, we met three times in the last 6 months. Wildcranberries tells me that this is just the norm in Hedgehogland. Well, it is not the norm here, and I am an only child.

- even taking up all this time for my work I wasn’t efficient and as productive as I could be. I am not satisfied with the outcome both for quantity and for quality

- the big knot is still there untouched and I am about to have an even more hideous Christmas and New Year’s Eve than last year, which would have been difficult to believe last year

- one of the unfulfilled goals of the year was “forgive”. But have I really tried? I’m better at forgetting than I am at forgiving. I wait for the passion of anger to fade away. This hasn’t faded yet: shall I have another “forgive” goal this year? and how would I deal with that? or should I admit that forgiving is beyond me? I want to move on and let go, and yet there’s only fog around here

(to be continued)