overcome PTSD

I’ve made a lot of progress over the past year.

I made my dog a service dog and now she accompanies me everywhere. It enables me to go places I otherwise couldn’t.

Now I’m working my way towards being around people I know, not just the general public.

My triggers are not so bad, i’ve not overcome this, but i’m dealing with it a whole lot better. I can safely say that i’m learning to cope better in situations and react more calmly and be less distraut emotionally than i have been. I’m quite happy with the progress i’ve been making. I know that i used to be so hard on myself and internally agressive for feeling so much pain, telling myself to pull myself together, but whats worked has been the gentle nurturing approach which has involved being loving to myself always, putting myself first and talking calmly and logically to myself about my irrational feelings and letting myself feel the way i feel without judgement. I think with this i’m finally starting to heal after several long years of pain and anguish.

I am 19 years old… two years ago I graduated from highschool, happy with a whole future ahead of me… I had the drive to change the world and I was passionate and compassionate and I felt I could do a difference and that there was nothing between me and my goals…
Taking a year off was the best because I found my first love, but was the worst because of all the abuse I received from my host family… humilliated, insulted, threatened, abused by the host dad, mentally abused… I lost it… I stopped smiling, I stopped laughing, I lost my drive, my passions… I started to exist without living… I became emotionally dependant to my boyfriend, who I would use as a punchback.
In trauma and shock I left that country and came back to the USA and went to college… First quarter: rape by one of my supposed to be best friends…
That’s what happens when you live such a great trauma: it ends with something worst… That’s what the psychiatrist said.
I tried to commit suicide, I stopped studying, I isolated myself, I pushed everyone away and then I went to the doctor. I was diagnosed and I am under medication.
But nothing seems to change and I need to overcome this. I need to get my life in track, do well in school and keep on going. I have messed my personal relationships, I just lost my second love… No one understands and everything seems so wrong…
summer and I dont go out, I dont talk to anyone, I get sick, I dont have the strenght… but it’s time to stop.
What happened happened… now I have to move on: I still have a life ahead of me and I plan on living it.

It did help and i feel better for going back to that uncomfortable place in my mind and dealing with it successfully. It helps to be in a place of comfort, like my home when i’m dealing with painfully aspects of my psychology and my life. I’m quite proud of what i achieved today. My friend thinks you shouldn’t be proud it’s a sin against god. I’m aware of that comment today, but i think that it’s important to recognise when you have made progress in your life without being egoistical about it.

As i’ve moved home recently, i never changed doctor. Today i booked in as a temporary patient. I struggled going in for the appointment broke down in tears when the doctor said he couldn’t help me. Eventually after talking to him he gave me some valium to take the edge off, but insisted that i get registed at my local doctors asap. Going outside seems to be helping with this.

My chest is tight. I don’t get bothered by it like i used too, i just acknowledge it and let it go. I don’t embrace the pain. I realise it’s a sign though that something isn’t right in my life. I’m tired and i should have a rest, but i do feel that i need to be working still as i have so little time to turn my life around and make my business successful. I’ve dealt with alot this week. The cause of my ptsd is still very vivid to me, i’m experiencing very strong symptoms on a consistant basis and have done for a year now. I’m finding this really difficult and am going to the doctors to get some help tommorow, once i’ve registered locally. Apparantely ssri’s stop the traumatic memories from forming again and again, and although i don’t believe in them, i don’t think it would be a bad solution atleast just for now.

I’ve only just began to address that i have a problem and stop blaming the people around me. After going through an ordeal in the past, i’m suffering with post-traumatic stress. When im in certain situations, i go into a traumatised state, you can’t see it externally, but internally i’m in such deep suffering. This is something i need therapy for now as it’s invading my personal relationships and my life in negative ways. This for me is something i’ve been struggling with intrusive thoughts about this for the last year and i’ve been in denial suffering panic attacks mixed with agoraphobia before this. I was unaware it was so heavily linked to this particular trauma.

I also realise that childhood trauma has also had a similar effect on me , causing me to avoid places where there may be danger. This of course for someone who is ambitious as i am is a constant pain and has now got to the point where my fear and emotions relating to this are so strong, my relationship is suffering because of this. I wont let it continue a moment longer without seeking help. The only thing being that i’m scared to go to the doctors surgery as it brings the traumatic memories to the surface. It’s extremely difficult to deal with on my own,but is a very important part of my self development. My best tool for dealing with this is kindness to those around me as when i’m caught up in the painful experience of this, i tend to lash out at those around me verbally and cling on to the ones i love as i’m in such a place of despair.

It’s so weird. One day I feel like I’ve made a ton of progress with my PTSD, the next day a male friend of my mother’s sleeps in the guest room and I have constant nightmares. It’s pretty frustrating but I told her about it and she said that he won’t sleep over anymore.

I’m not afraid of voicing my opinion.
I’m cautious.
I’m not reckless, I’m not self-destructive.
I’m not engaging in eating disorder behaviors.
I’m learning how to trust.
I’m resolving my anger.
I smile more.
I’m not angry at people who don’t deserve my anger.
I feel like a different person.

numbered in importance (1 being the highest)

1. depression
2. low self esteem
3. interpersonal problems
4. social anxiety
5. disordered eating