but the man I’m in love with is visiting in June and I am worried that I will feel self conscious and shameful and go numb during physical intimacy, like I always do. I feel like this will be different, this time, this man, but I have to ask myself WHY I think that. I know I’ve gotten much better, so there’s that. But have I gotten THAT much better?
I don’t know—this whole relationship has opened me up to so much and so many ways of thinkings and thoughts in general. I feel more awake and alive than I ever have been because he has helped a lot and I have been working a lot at all this. I created a blog with letters to him and poems for him that he’ll never see, because it’s more an effort to work through some of my issues. I’m not putting stock in him, not saying he’s saving me or whatever. But he helps and this is how I’m working it out 2 months ago
I think my self concept is really wrapped up in this illness. I think I still blame myself for everything, or I blame the world and then feel shameful over it. Shame.. that’s a very strong feeling for me. It always has been. It hurts a LOT. It’s one of the hardest emotions for me—but the anger.. the incessant anger is really bad, almost intolerable, and I think it’s closely associated with the shame. I need to start meditating again. I’ve been taking care of myself pretty well lately. Showering every day for the past week, exercising, eating more mindfully, taking more photos.
My father is coming to visit, and that triggers a lot of shame and anger for me. My mother is really attacking him, and it hurts a little. I’ve talked to her about it but I’m the only one she has to vent to. That hurts a little too, because I want to help. But it just.. hurts me, also.
We’ll see how the visit goes. Hopefully I’ll cope well. I think I will this time. :-) 2 months ago
and while traumas are a very personal thing, I think helping him will help us both because I’ll get more involved and innovative in my approach to PTSD, so I think it will be good for both of us. 3 months ago
I feel like I thought because the flashbacks and nightmares were gone, I’d gotten through it. But part of it too is the feelings of being hunted, the fear of establishing new relationships, sexual and physical shame, dwelling on the past, letting the past stop me from move forward, etc. I’m not sure if all of these are symptoms of PTSD, but I know most of them are and they’re all interconnected.
I will overcome PTSD
- I will forgive the people who have hurt me
- by continuing the project I’ve been working on
- by accepting that I’m stronger and the traumas have made me deeper and wiser
- writing down my concerns and the points I feel I need to concentrate on
- cooperating in therapy and expressing my concerns honestly
- allowing myself to be sexual & exploring my sexuality
- getting to a point where I can provide my real name
- remembering the traumas were enacted by HUMAN people NOT omnipotent and omnipresent superhuman forces
- forgiving myself. 8 months ago
one thing that helps me get over abuse, bad memories, PTSD, anxiety, panic, depression, terror, etc. is to talk about it.
Talk about it to crisis lines, safe environment support groups, close friends, even new friends, kind people, just talk to anyone about it, talk and talk.
Talking just lets it all out. You had to keep all of this a secret for so long. Feels good to talk. All this craziness and demons in your head, taking over your body and making you weak. Talking to another person who understands makes such a difference it’s not even funny.
Thanks to every sweet, friendly voice I’ve ever met on the phone, in person, or a sweet friendly face I’ve seen across the room. 16 months ago
i think what happens when you are attacked is that you lose your power. that person temporarily takes your power away from you. They make you feel powerless and you never know when they may attack again, and this leaves you shaky and nervous.
When I feel attacked all the energy just leaves my body. I feel completely defeated.
You have to get your power back. And also the question of why? why did that person choose me? In order to find this out you have to know that person – this is not always possible. You have to find some way to get your control back. Control of the situation.
One way I used to do gain control was to LOG everything. I would write down the date and time and what happened. Then write down everything that person did to intimidate me after that, date and times.
This way I can start seeing the pattern of that person’s behavior. It gives me a sense of control. It’s on paper. Not a “mad” “intimidating terrifying” person living in your head. 16 months ago
i’m feeling better everyone. my anxiety has subsided. 16 months ago
Today I had a horrible PTSD episode. I met a man who called me a racist and started yelling at me and telling me to get away from him.
He kept trying to stare me down for a full 50 min. at the gym while I was on the cardio machine all because I almost ran into him ONE time!
I got mad and didn’t stare back at him and refused to let him intimidate me. Then after I got off the machine, he BUMPED into me on purpose, shoulder checked me (like a football player).
Later he kept staring at me as I did exercises.
I just called a crisis line and spoke to someone about it. If I hadn’t spoken to her or logged it on 43T, I would be having a major panic attack right now and even suicidal thoughts.
I am so afraid of men, especially those that try to intimidate me, it is not even funny.
First of all I am not racist and I don’t like how he assumed that I was. 2nd of all why is he trying to stare me down and thinks I am nasty because I stand up for myself? 16 months ago
-I did have an episode 2 days ago. It did bother me for hours. A therapist told me to not avoid these situations. The more you avoid it, the more afraid you become of them. He told me to go ahead and put myself in those situations “exposure therapy,” but really become aware of my body when I am going through it.
I guess take deep breaths, shake it off, walk around and get your body energy and power back.
I think immediately after it happens, I need to journal it, then remind myself that this person cannot hurt me and I am okay. Then just keep repeating it, like a mantra.
I need to process it somehow because these episodes tend to affect me for hours.
-Today, I had another small episode! I am not kidding you guys. You guys are probably laughing! Its something I deal with daily. Welcome to my life. This one was not so bad, I tried to think about it logically and thought about what I would do next time I saw this person. 16 months ago
Dear God, give me courage,
for perhaps I lack it more than anything else.
I need courage before men/women against their threats
and against their seductions.
I need courage to bear unkindness,
I need courage to fight against the devil,
against terrors and troubles, temptations,
attractions, darkness and false lights,
against tears, depression, and above all fear.
I need Your help, dear God.
Strengthen me with Your love and Your grace.
Console me with Your blessed Presence
and grant me the courage to persevere
until I am with You forever in heaven. 16 months ago
How I did it: When I first went to a therapist a few years ago, I didn’t know what my problem was, just that something wasn’t “right.” I explained that I had a traumatic experience 3 years prior, and while everyone else I knew with similar experiences seemed to move on, I was stuck having nightmares, flashbacks, intrusive thoughts (everyday), anxiety, depression, trouble with relationships, problems eating and sleeping and panic attacks. I was incredibly mad at myself because I couldn’t “just get over it.” she asked me if I knew what Post traumatic stress was (I didn’t)… and that’s when my recovery started. I worked with her for 3 years. There were good periods with lots of breakthroughs. And setbacks; times where I just got angry and gave up. I learned how to frame events and look at them differently, I learned how to ground myself and come back to the present when I had flashbacks, I stopped blaming myself, I discussed specific details of the trauma that I had never shared before. I took up yoga and running and started to heal the mind-body connection that had been severed. I went from denial and self-blame, to rage and anger at the person really responsible, to (eventually) forgiveness. I didn’t think it was possible when I started, but I did get better. I no longer have nightmares or flashbacks, and the traumatic event has become a part of who I am, not the defining moment of my entire existence. Read how I did it… 2 years ago