compile a 100-things-about-me list

I like to talk openly, and hear others talk openly, about the less polite bodily functions. I wouldn’t say I’m fond of toilet humour – I just like how they are the things that we all, every one of us, as human beings have in common.

Everyone poops and farts and have earwax and snot and maybe skin problems and scars and blemishes and sometimes get constipation and goop in their eyes in the morning… it’s just that, those are the things that makes us human. And it feels like in being “polite” about not talking about them openly, it’s easy to lose touch with these “imperfections” that all of us – regardless of “race”, ethnicity, class, gender, looks – we all share. I feel like we’ve lost touch with them in the same way that we have become ashamed of our bodies because we’ve got used to hiding it. At least being clothed has the purpose of keeping us warm.

I mean, take airbrushing – how on earth is it even accepted? Why haven’t we boycotted every single magazine or film or advertisement that uses it? We’re talking about standards that even our supposedly most beautiful models and actors cannot live up to. And we let ourselves be surrounded with it, so we can believe it to be the norm, that we are disgusting because of our flaws, that we have to hide these flaws as best we can.

I have this memory, of one of my favourite conversations with friends: I can’t remember what we were talking about, but I had raised a question about some bodily function that nobody ever talks about. And I wasn’t making toilet jokes – I was asking my friends how they dealt with it, the effects of it. We started talking about it openly, frankly. And I remember feeling more connected with them as human beings then, than I had for a long time. It’s the great equalizer – no matter who you are. How “successful” you are. How beautiful you look. You still have to deal with these things. And when you get old (if you’re lucky, it doesn’t come earlier), your bodily functions will start demanding more and more of your attention and time, as it gets harder and harder to hide them from “polite company” – to pretend we are something we aren’t.

Why not just bring some of it out in the open now?

46. I’m scared of heights, but only in some circumstances. Motorway footbridges, like the one in the picture are absolute torture, as are roads that have a sheer drop to the side and glass elevators. On the ‘I-don’t-need-to-so-never-will’ list are ski lifts, Ferris wheels, any fairground ride that shoots you into the air and/or makes you plummet rapidly, and bungee jumping. I’m fine with aeroplanes, traversing mountains on foot, and bridges that span water – go figure!

47. I have only recently realised that I truly need direction and daily mental stimulation; the critical point came when I found I’d answered all the outstanding biology questions on WikiAnswers and was pushing up my sleeves with glee as I began typing, “There are several ways to deal with this problem…” in response to the question, “How do I get rid of the smell of cat urine from the inside of my car?”!

48. I think bad grammar and spelling within official or printed documentation is extremely poor form. I’ve sent more than one letter back from whence it came with corrections done in red ink and the words, “Must try harder” scrawled across the bottom. Well honestly, if you want me to take you seriously as a business, politician or whatever, at least learn how to use spell check and proof read. Lest anyone experiences the onset of paranoia, I’m far more tolerant about instant and informal forms of written communication such as forums, text messages on so on :-)

49. In a similar vein, I once got hauled in front of the boss on charges of insubordination (!!) and vandalism (!!!!) when I got caught amending an internal vacancy poster that had been put up by one of the section managers. Amongst the applicant requirements he’d listed, “Must have a good absence record”. I had added the note, “Surely a good attendance record would be preferable?” I beat the insubordination charged but copped a warning for the ‘graffiti’. Worth it :-)

50. My primary school headmistress wrote in my leaving book; “May your highest point of attainment today be your starting point for tomorrow.”
I try to live by this in all aspects of my life (often fail, but keep on trying).

some more things about me ;-)

41. I loathe those jeans that teenagers are wearing right now…pull your pants up boy, I don’t want to see your underwear!

42. I wasted a lot of time during my teenage years being completely self-absorbed and writing angst ridden (and frankly, quite appalling) poetry; it was something of a relief when I grasped the fact that pain & suffering do not make you interesting and being a tragic heroine (as per Sylvia Plath!) is not the thing to strive for.

43. Let’s suppose I suddenly became really famous and a film of my life was going to be made; I’d have Life on Mars by David Bowie as the theme song and Samantha Morton to play the role of me (sorry Samantha, I know there’s a decade between us, but you can act older!)

44. Sunshine morphs me from hibernating sloth to domestic goddess; a glorious blue sky prompts me to throw open all the windows, clean the house, get washing on the line, throw together delicious and nutritious salad based meals, paint fences, re-pot and water plants….I wish Mr. Sunshine visited more often. :-)

45. I wish I could have my life over and over again; that’s not to say I want to change what I have now and where I’m going, but I’d love to know how things would have turned out if I’d made different choices. What if I’d stayed on at school? What if I hadn’t run away? What if I’d taken that job as a nanny in the US? etc, etc. I could also then try out all the different careers I’d have liked….lawyer; zoo vet; social worker; restaurateur; eco-warrior…the list is endless!

53. I’m not as much like my sister as I thought I was. (#11) But that’s okay, I’m not bad as I am.

54. I’ll often spend a good half hour to an hour writing a long response to a statement, such as a facebook status, and decide not to post it because I’m not sure how it will be received.

55. I don’t know what I’m hoping to become or what I’m hoping to accomplish but I keep planning for the future and waiting for it to become clear.

71. I had a paper route from the time I was 12 until 19.
72. I think Lisa Kelly from Ice Road Truckers is gutsy!
73. I love to go to museums but always rush through them.
74. I have never been in a car accident but I have backed into my garage door
75. I love perfume that smells like soap
76. I love making melt and pour soap but I never use it on myself…I always give it way
77. I have seen every episode of Star Trek Voyager, Enterprise and The next Generation.
78. I wish I could remember people’s names better
79. I love my fathers family dearly, but could do without most of my mothers.
80. My inlaws are amazing! I am so lucky to have them

81. I love taking road trips. I think getting to the destination is almost funner
82. My toenails must always be painted
83. I love my home, even though it is no where near what I paid for it three years
84. I love blue-collar guys. I think my hubby is sexiest in his uniform
85. When I was 13, I decided that I could never marry a fireman, policeman, or a pastor
86. I almost joined the military after high school. I didn’t really want to, but I thought it would make my dad proud of me.
87. I always cheated on my spelling tests. I am so not proud of it, but I was really struggling and NO ONE seemed to be able to help me.
88. I love being able to plan my day and stick to my agenda. If I have to change my agenda, I can get pissy
89. Favorite toy as a kid? A pink-haired cabbage patch doll my dad got for me in Taiwan
90. Before my mom began drinking, she was the best! She made me feel so loved and special between the ages of 5 and 11
91. My years between 12 and 18 sucked. I am still trying to let go of the past.
92. I wish I was closer to my brothers. Since my dad died, I just feel like I need space and that I want to remember things as they were.
93. I used to write poetry. I gave it up because it was to depressing
94. I wish I had more friends. But I am a loner and it is difficult for people to understand that sometime I want to spend time by myself.
95. I would love to join a book club, but I am still trying to figure out how to do it.
96. I still cannot clean my windows properly
97. I love antique stores
98. My dad’s last words to me were: Take a nice vacation – you deserve it.
99. My brother drank a beer during my mother’s intervention – SERIOUSLY!
100. No matter what I do, say, think, or believe, I will always care what people think of me. I honestly believe that others are more objective about me than I could ever be. I HATE THIS!!! I wish this could change. If I get a compliment, I am estatic, however, if someone says something mean or hurtful, it sticks with me forever.

another five things about me :-)

36. I am enthralled and completely bewitched by the beauty and complexity of micro-organisms, even ones that are ugly in the disease they cause are incredible in their structure. My favourites are diatoms which, without doubt, are the most stunningly ornate designs I have ever seen in nature, particularly when you remember that these things are too small to be seen with the naked eye. The picture is just one example, they come in a myriad of shapes and patterns.

37. My favourite smell in the whole world is lavender. I was growing some; I’d acquired a couple of very sick looking young plants and nurtured them on for 6 years. They were looking fine. Then Big Bad B decided to do some pruning. They are now deceased lavender bushes. :-( Never mind, we’ll try again!

38. Having read about the non-verbal signs that we unconsciously display, and the way they can be picked up at a subtle level by others, I try really hard to eradicate ‘leakage’ signs of negative internal feelings, particularly anger. Unfortunately my eyebrows always give the game away; No. 1 Son & Big Bad B tell me they shoot up to the top of my head in an extremely cartoon-esque manner. Ho hum, maybe Botox is the answer.

39. I’ve had what could be described as a varied employment history. Previous jobs, from the very beginning, have been:
Stable hand
Babysitter
Market stall worker
Waitress
Mother’s help
Market stall worker
Chip shop assistant
Office junior
Secretary
Clothes shop assistant
Fruit & veg shop manager
Self employed typist
Export Company – Director’s PA
Financial Adviser – Account manager
Patent & Trade Mark Attorney – Legal secretary
Ann Summers – trainee manager
Fruit & veg shop manager
Supermarket trainee manager
Currently unemployed full time student

Oh my Deity, that looks bad – I promise I don’t change jobs every two weeks! Some of them were running concurrently, and I had my first job at age 11!

40. Avoidable and unnecessary cross contamination of food products disgusts and irritates me in equal measure. I’m talking about things like toast crumbs in the butter or coffee lumps in the sugar. Stop it, it’s not nice!

51: I love mutts. I would take them over a pure bred dog anyday!
52. I love Reader’s Digest
53. I love the smell of Jean Natea’ Perfume – although I would never wear it(reminds me of my grandmother).
54. Doing dishes makes my feet red & swollen
55. When I asked my husband to help me with this list, he said that I am a kind, caring, sexy and a hard-working gal…
56. Most of my friends in High School were my friends only becuase I had cute brothers and spending money
57. I think that if I won a $1,000,000 the funnest part about it would be giving most of it away!
58. If I won $1,000,000 I think I would keep working
59. I donated blood for the first time (after thinking about it for 15 years) last month
60. I am still learing how to apply mascara – i usually make a mess of it.
61. I love glasses on other people but hate them on me.
62. Part of the reason I bought my house is becuase all of the woodwork is painted white. I love that look, but I could never cover wood with paint myself.
63. I think David Hasselhoff, Tom Cruise and Collin Ferral are slimy
64. I wish I could play the piano
65. I love body or face scrub
66. I seriously thought that the exact minute I turned 30 I would no longer have pimples
67. Or care what people thought about me – neither came true
68. I wish I had some domestic goddess skills
69. I can, however, grow Sedum really well. I have about 10 varieties of it and hope to add some more.
70. I always buy books from a thrift store, read them, then donate them back – with the price tag still on…And sometimes I donate them to a different thrift store than where I originally bought them. Is that bad?

31. I’m a pretty skilled fishmonger; can gut, fillet, scale and all that jazz. Strangely, this always surprises people. Apparently I don’t look like I have such skills; how on earth can a person look like they can handle fish?!

32. I learned the methods of transcendental meditation at age 13. In a slightly odd bout of name dropping, I’d like to say that I was taught by the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi – the very same person who taught the Beatles (get me and my brush with fame!)

33. I have what my family call ‘passions’; I get really thrilled about a subject or issue and become almost obsessed with it for a while, then just go off it and drop it. The upside to this is that I know a little bit about an awful lot of subjects which leads people to assume greater intellectual prowess than I necessarily deserve! The down side is, it makes people think I’m flighty and can’t commit to things.

34. When it comes to humour, wordplay is what really tickles my funny bone. Slapstick or ‘obvious’ comedy leaves me cold. Although I have to admit, somewhat shamefacedly, that real life slapstick makes me howl; people falling down, or even better, up stairs, or walking into windows….I know I shouldn’t and I don’t if someone’s genuinely hurt but…! Can you truthfully tell me you’ve never laughed at someone when they’re taken by surprise and do the ‘electric shock dance’? You know the one, where their arms and legs flail around in a completely uncoordinated fashion while they make little squeaky noises.

35. This probably makes me sound like a stalker-wannabe, but Stephen Fry should be my best friend. He just doesn’t know it because I haven’t been able to engineer a meeting ;-) I love him; so intelligent and funny.

21. I hate talking on the phone
22. Without my contacts, I am blind as a bat
23. I love drug stores, especially CVS
24. I have no sense of direction
25. It took my husband 6 weeks to kiss me when we were dating
26. I never ever ever wear shorts
27. My nickname as a kid was tinker
28. People always compliment me on my handwritting
29. I love grilled cheese
30. I was a cheerleader in high school, so I could see the games for free.
31. I secretly love Reality TV – even though most of it is BS
32. I also like One Life to Live
33. Please don’t judge me on #31 and #32…
34. I like Eminem’s Music
35. I collect vintage postcards
36. I am extremely shy…I get nervous ordering a pizza
37. I lost my brother to cancer
38. I lost my dad to cancer
39. I refuse to be depressed about it. I know that they both want me to be happy and to live my life to the fullest…I miss them lots.
40. I had a miscarriage several years ago and it messed me up. To this day, I am not sure if I want to try to get pregnate again.
41. I truly believe that I would be just as happy adopting a 10 year old as I would be having a baby.
42. I am not sure about my hubby – I think he might want a baby
43. I hate chocolate cake
44. and brownies. But I love chocolate candy.
45. Turning 30 this year made me feel like a grown up!
46. I want to get a tatoo one day, as long as it is small, cute, meaningful, and no one else would be able to see it – unless I wanted them too.
47. As a child, I was a horrible liar
48. And a clepto
49. But I grew out of it as soon as I turned into a teenager
50. Sounds dorky, but I really like my job.

21. My absolute dream car is a Morgan, in British Racing Green. The one in the picture. Are you listening, Powers-that-be?!

22. I tend to panic and play the wholly unhelpful ‘what if’ game when something goes wrong. You know the one; “I made a mistake at work and have been called in for a meeting – what if they sack me?” I value the people who spot me doing this and are able to bring me back to logical thinking.

23. If I’m sick I tend to regress by about 37 years and start demanding attention from my mum. In fact, I’m deeply unattractive when I’m ill and am a terribly difficult patient. Unless it’s serious, then I become all meek and malleable.

24. I have a horrible habit of manicuring my nails with my teeth, especially when I’m anxious. The result is rarely pretty.

25. I have spoiled my dog so much that she now won’t sleep at night without a cover over her head. Perhaps she’s confused and thinks she’s a budgie?

26. I follow the principle of “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.” With me trust can be hard won and easily lost.

27. When I’m struggling with emotions I find the rawness and power of nature soothe me; sitting on a rock, on a secluded beach, during bad weather, letting the noise, smells and vastness of the sea wash over my senses is somehow cleansing. Failing that, a long walk in a rainstorm has a similar effect. Luckily, Manchester gets a lot of rain.

28. I like quirky, unique, customised objects and furniture in my home. Nothing is going to put me off something quicker than someone else coming into my house and declaring, “I’ve got one of those”!

29. I ‘steal’ menu ideas, i.e. I won’t pay out for ready made meals but I will trundle off to Marks & Spencer, find the meal I fancy, make a mental note of primary ingredients, buy them somewhere cheaper then recreate the meal at home. Varying levels of success with this, but my ‘signature’ dish of rainbow trout stuffed with prawns came about this way.

30. When I was younger I got completely stoned and then used glass paints to create a giant peacock on my kitchen window. I loved it. Everyone else loved it. Except my landlord.