learn to pace myself

...but I have to admit, not working this fall has caused me to stop and deeply ponder my motivations for working at my job. In a sick kind of way, I think I actually kind of thrived on the stress of it all—the “can she make it through the next rehearsal/performance/marking period” feeling. I love the challenge of it all, but I think I was definitely taking things to too great an extreme. The cost to my personal life, spiritual life, and health was just too much.

Work is a great thing, but looking at the last year, I was struck with how much worry I saddled myself with - most of it unnecessary, of course - and how I think I was perhaps a little too emotionally tied to the job. Emotional detachment doesn’t come easily to me, but I can see how it probably would have made my life a lot easier, especially last year.

Slowing down this fall has helped me to appreciate all the OTHER things in my life other than working 40+ hours a week. I have found joy in music-making again, perhaps because now I’m making music for myself—the sheer joy of singing or playing, rather than feeling this pressure to produce a brilliant concert/show/whatever because everyone is watching. Plus, keeping up with private teaching has allowed me to experience my favorite parts of teaching (really getting into the music) without having to worry about grades (ugh ugh ugh), undue parental pressure (why wasn’t my kid selected for blah blah blah?), or interoffice politics (why is person X acting like he’s the department head??).

So, I decided to review my 39 things this morning, and when I ran across this goal I nearly laughed out loud. The pace of my life has changed IMMENSELY since I threw this goal up on my list (just a few weeks before I found out I was pregnant with our baby boy).

Unlike my fellow teachers (including most of my friends here in the Southern Tier), I’m not returning to school next week. For once I succeeded in putting my health first—my doctor agreed with me that working at the tail end of my second trimester and the beginning of my third was not a good idea, especially given my health record in 2005. I’m officially on a medical leave, using my own sick days and days from our “sick bank” to cover the leave so I keep my health coverage.

Am I happy to be not working….well, yes….and no.

The reasons why I am happy to be not working this fall:

1. I’m not going to put my health or the baby’s health at risk by being exposed to millions of student and coworker germs, working long hours on my feet, moving heavy things, and compromising my nutrition in favor of my hectic schedule.
2. It means I don’t have to fight battle after battle with the guidance department for scheduling choral rehearsals at 7:50 and 9:18 in the morning (which was a really bad decision in a year when we need to BUILD the program, not kill it).
3. It means I don’t have to personally deal with the drama and fallout after auditions for the show choir and the spring musical (students sobbing in my office is NOT fun—and talking with irate parents is DEFINITELY not fun).

The reasons why I am feeling conflicted about not working this fall:

1. My entire life has been focused around my job or my life as a student for as long as I can remember. I hate to say it, but a lot of my identity has come from what I have done and achieved as an artist, educator, and employee. If I’m not Katie, the slightly bonkers music educator who knocks herself out to produce quality musical ensembles and performances—who am I? I’m not sure I know the answer to that question, and it scares the living daylights out of me.
2. Part of me feels just plain wimpy for not working up until a few weeks before delivery like most pregnant women do. In my heart I know my health concerns are beyond legitimate, but I’m getting tired of the reaction “You’re not due until the end of December? Why aren’t you working in the fall?”
3. It’s weird not bringing home a portion of the proverbial “bacon.” I’ve always felt great about being able to contribute financially to our marriage—and while my husband was still finishing up school, I was actually the sole breadwinner. Even though my husband just got a major raise and we’re financially secure, I feel a sense of loss at not bringing in another substantial income. We’re lucky that we can live on one income (and we’ve worked hard to structure our finances this way for this very reason), but there’s a certain sense of power you give up when you don’t bring in a paycheck. Thankfully, my husband knows I’m very shrewd with money, so I don’t foresee him turning into a financial tyrant or anything.

I’m sure I’m not the first woman to ever feel this way, but at the moment, none of my close friends can really relate—they’re all killer career women, and ages away from settling down and starting a family.

Oh, this is so confusing. I’m so excited about being a mom, but I would be lying to myself if I ignored all these other feelings I’m having, too. It’s just complicated.

Any insight would be most appreciated…

and school’s only been in for a week now! Aaaargh! I’ve worked until after 6pm every night (supposed to get off at 3:30), brought work home and gone without a break each day except for one 15 minute break. I’ve got the sinus infection from HELL that just keeps worsening, too (So I’m not sleeping). I don’t know how many times I’ve been asked if I’m crying because my eyes are red and runny and my dumb throat tickles painfully and my face feels like electric currents a zoinging through it! My nose is stuffy AND drippy. Wah.

Why am I doing this? I want to be a good team leader and help the other teachers in ways that I wasn’t helped last year. I want us to BE a team. I want to help my class to learn what they need to know. I want to be responsive and helpful to the office staff. I want my classroom to be organized (it’s getting there) and attractive.

Anyway, I didn’t bring home ANY work tonight (though I DID go develop pictures at Neighborhood Market, and I should’ve brought info home to do September’s newsletter on my computer, oh well…)I’m having such trouble breathing and am overptotective of my lungs anyeway, so I’m not running tonight, and am going to bed instead!

... a phase where i need to think about this more?

....It’s mostly mental, but starting to cross over into the physical. My current pace of life is DEFINITELY not sustainable. The musical is taking over my life!!! Aggggh!

Life would be so much easier if I just had a cast of 35 instead of 58, and they were all TOTALLY committed.

Ok. Whining session over now…

So, for just about $350 (including 2 nights hotel accommodation, 2 fancy meals “out”—with leftovers, gas, tolls, and entertainment), hubby and I had a really nice time in Niagara Falls this weekend. It was spontaneous, it was fun, I didn’t think about work (hooray!), and we did some pretty silly stuff together.

My personal favorite moment: feeding the lorikeets at the Aviary. I was covered in all of these cute little birds - they landed on my shoulders, my arms, my hands - and even my head! Loved it loved it loved it…

Everything was withing walking distance of our hotel (including the Falls), and while it was a little nippy, we had a great time. Richard really seemed to enjoy it, too.

Emailed the hubby at work today and asked him if he wanted to take a quick trip up to Niagara Falls for the weekend—he surprised me and said “Yes”! Usually he’s not very spontaneous, but I managed to sell him on it.

...ah, to be cheesy American tourists for a weekend in the “Honeymoon Capital”....

...but I still find that my husband and I are getting squeezed on interpersonal time. Though I’m a little afraid to admit it, I may need to “downsize” my activity at my church. Currently, I’m in the Relief Society presidency, and I’m finding myself getting WAY overwhelmed by it. I think I need to talk to the bishop about it, but I’m afraid to outright ask to be released from this calling and assigned to another, less time-consuming calling.

It’s not that I don’t want to serve—it’s just that this seems to be requiring more than I can really give at the moment.

Do any of my LDS 43Things friends have suggestions on this? I’m really stuck!

This entry is extracted from my “be healthier” goal:

In the past, I’ve had the tendency to throw myself into a goal, becoming obsessed and militant about it.

Today, I am in no condition to do this sort of behavior.

It’s not healthy, and there are too many things on which I need to focus.

Perfection is not a part of my goal here.

Being healthier is.

Pace myself is one goal I’m coupling with this team effort.

Find balance.

This week all the “stuff” hit the fan—I have no fewer than 25 tasks to accomplish before Nov. 1st. Most of it is just paperwork (which I hate)....conference request forms, recording homework assignments, etc. Yecch.

I also lost my keys this week, and am a little freaked out by it all. I’m less worried about people breaking into my house, and more worried about people stealing items from the music department….

Arrrrrghh. STRESS SUCKS!