be more assertive

Make a decision to CHANGE your LIFE. You want LOVE? Prove it! You are an amazing human being. You have made it through a lot of really tough times and you are still here. Maybe your family misunderstands you and maybe you have had a few hard breakups. But you are still here and you ARE amazing. If you don’t believe that, you can change it. (c) Michelle Prince

When I express myself I do so in a way that assesses the situation, person that I’m talking to and what I may be in the mood to talk about. I think I have that choice without being labeled as someone who either does or doesn’t talk about a certain subject.

I think that naturally who I am though is time-released. It could be both being unassertive to otherwise show more of who I am and it could be being comfortable with myself to otherwise not need as much validation of who I am from the other person. It’s hard to tell with introverts. I’ll always be time-released, but the former and latter are the subtle difference/transformation that’s been happening in me that I imagine only people who either really know me (or those who can pick on those things) could tell.

I realize that I’m the kind of person who has relied on people realizing that first impressions aren’t everything. I’ve had people push for quick involvement, have no qualms about telling me every little detail about themselves and then expect me to do the same. Of course in comparison I do not. Some much less introverted types have almost(?) believed or half-jokingly referred to me as the quiet type therefore somehow synonymous with being an axe murderer, or otherwise I am less trustworthy if I’m quiet. I’ve had people seriously tell me that they have this issue with anyone being quiet around them. I’ve pretty much never believed that it’s my fault for them being uncomfortable with me being quiet. I take note that being quiet is something they don’t accept about me, but I disregard their attention whoring paranoia.

People have told me that the more you try to convince someone about who you are, the less the other person comes up with themselves, but that’s just an outdated protective technique in hopes of not being emotionally abused in some cases. I’ve seen it as counter-productive controlling, as if they could create the hopefully really positive opinions themselves inside the other person’s head first before the other person comes up with something negative. In the Rescuer/Rescuee pattern I think they might be trying to prove that they don’t need rescued.

I get it though. When someone is going out of their way to be super super nice and friendly to prove with absolute obviousness that the other person is liked so that everyone can escape being frenemies. I’ve noticed that I reward or punish people by how they react to me. Not much better than those I’m complaining about and I used to ask some deep and/or personal questions to people-to make sure they weren’t going kill me-lol. Well I didn’t have the notion that they were going to kill me, but I did think that the information I got out of them made them more trustworthy. Which is funny now that I think about it since profiles of evil people run the gamut. Ill intent and secret agendas are not dependent on any one trait and I think that the logic is off in thinking that quiet people have more to hide. Personally I’d be talking and making sure you’re thinking about something else other than what I want not talked about.

We can gather all we know about a person, but I don’t think it kicks in until some time has passed. I think love requires us to continuously evaluate and look for where we might be judging our loved ones and how our judgments might be getting in the way of loving them. I need to progressively let go of who I think they should be and accepting who they are right now-good and bad.

I’ve had practice within the last coupla years in allowing people to be who they want, allowing people their privacy without thinking that they have ill intentions toward me, staying open and
objective while realizing that I don’t know everything about them, that it’s okay they don’t need to report to me and that my ego will do just fine if I half to earn their trust like a normal person. I think I like it better that way. They responded to me being open and let me in, but we went through little milestones that felt good to earn. I think this is normal and it feels more natural that way.

One of my patterns that I’ve been elicited and trained to respond to is to get carried away with validating someone’s ego in the most thorough, detailed and insightful way, however through dealing with this person I also don’t automatically believe everything people want me to believe about them.

I’m tired of finding narcissists who seem to need the words like a drug and likewise sometimes they get a little pushy with me about it and will prompt me to tell them what I like about them.
They seem to come in all temperaments; even the tame ones will seem to come on a bit strong at first with me. In the past I called them overzealous, creepy and gave ‘em the boot after they seemed to get what they wanted out of me: ego stroking. Usually they didn’t gave back, but sometimes the narcissist that realizes they’ll look good if they give a compliment or two has had me all confused while not noticing the discrepancy between a high amount of what they asked for and what I gave and the low amount of what was given in return and then feeling guilty from enjoying the compliment and feeling like I was just stringing them along because I can tell that there’s something shallow about their approach so I’m not taking it serious. They leave and I get it that they weren’t all that serious about knowing me anyway. Some narcissistic men have had me confused about seeing how they like something about me, but do not necessarily have feelings for me-it’s a good way to rationalize lust. Charmers induce a sense of fuzzy math though and a feeling of being manipulated into liking them.

Normal people while they like to be liked will tell me to cool it if I get carried away with wanting to please others a little bit more than myself. I think those that have healthy self-esteem will still like being affirmed, but will not be as attached to it or react to it like a drug.

This is why I second guess my feelings for people. Am I just trying to please them? After a while people in the past have thrown a little tantrum or have otherwise expressed wondering if I suddenly hate them. I haven’t decided whether that’s a need for regular affirmation or simply that people gradually take others for granted over time. Maybe both. I know that some compliments mean more than others, but I think they’re just said in ways that hadn’t occurred to me through a low self-esteem filter.

I’ve noticed a somewhat instinctive self-correction that has already been put into effect where I measure the weight of my opinions and wait to see who’s worth it, so I don’t encourage people to take advantage of me. It’s still difficult to hold back when I come into contact with people who are triggers.

It would appear that occasionally a person’s inner child does a little jump of glee from understanding that they are liked. If I could I would hug everyone’s inner child, but I can’t.

It is so easy for people to take advantage of others good nature. I am not one to ever say no to someone even if it is very mentally draining for me and selfish of them to ask. I read somebody’s story of acheiving this goal and it was very touching and I too by the end of this goal would like to throw out a big fat “No” when the time is right. This person started by reading the book “The power of your subconcious mind”. I would also like to read this book right after I am done with two others I am currently reading. Mad props to this goal.

When I think of being present and being myself socially I think about judgments. Mine, others and usually how both react to the other. You probably couldn’t get rid of judgments and they’re quite commonplace, so my aim has just been to understand them. When conversing with someone I’ll stand there, try to listen at the same time while scrolling through a few sentences in my head on what labels I gave them as they talk to me. It cuts into listening and responding, so I try to wait until after the conversation which is really when I create their image in my head anyway.

I’d like to say that this is totally with just first impressions (which have meant more than they should) but really it happens constantly and I need to understand these perceptions, from them how I view others and therefore how I act toward others. I’m someone who attempts to understand and look for information everywhere and therefore while the interpretation is spot on through a series of trails, I’m also wrong quite a bit. I’ve wanted to set my record straight. Never at first and only after getting to know someone occasionally I’ve been able to be detailed about something I saw over a period of time and then inform them that I have a judgment-something that could be true or false and therefore correctable while giving them a chance to set the record straight.

I’ve categorized and generalized, dropped and grouped and sorted people into millions of adjectives. People have given me the basics: job, school, hobby, people they associate with, etc. but occasionally will give me fuel and go above and beyond and start to…show off. What things they know, can remember, can recite, can perform, talents, things they feel proud of, etc. I just get super sad and wonder if I came across asking for this kind of thing to hang with me or whether it’s just what they do. I might keep a mini journal about the judgments, because they’re so pent up and “wrong” just to get them out.

No one (possibly my boyfriend) would be able to tell the difference between whether I am quiet due to over-stimulation or whether I’m measuring everything in my head. Most people don’t know the difference and really the two inter-lap all the time. Much like a cat-loud noises, new people, lots of people, too many people touching me, new vibes in the air and new smells all overstimulate me which lead me to freezing until I’ve felt it okay enough to begin to process it. It really depends on the people and the place, but on a good day sometimes I can manage a few sentences at the same time the information from my surroundings is coming in. For the purpose of balance though this entry is more about the measuring things in my head.

I’ve noticed that I’ve often wondered what makes me so sure that what I have to say- will be something that other people will want to hear? A thought that is probably a product of ridicule. Some part of me must like the things I have to say otherwise I don’t think I would have ever typed a single word on the internet.

I looked back on a few social situations whether for the first time or whether I was just feeling off that day and saw people seemed to automatically detect the way I spoke and how I was coming across. Even as quiet and inexpressive as I was, something was usually coming through. Body language, eye contact and a subtle quick smile. I also noticed that I do have a genuine interest in people. It was joked that the secret extrovert in me was quietly sneaking its way into my psyche.

Due to a process of trial and error and kind people who have parted with words of advice tossed my way, I’ve become more aware of my beliefs, attitude and what I’m holding onto.

I was asked more about how I approached social situations and saw that the beliefs I held toward myself were unfortunately the same treatment I gave to others. To keep it real in social situations and not feel ingenuine, like I’m playing along and asking questions I think I’m supposed to ask, I must be certain that I believe what I have to say is interesting, important and worth listening to. That way by proxy I can respect and believe the exact same about others.

I’ve tried to take note of the things I’m uncomfortable with talking about, because people sense that discomfort, mirror it and sometimes end up influencing me to feel worse about it. I try to remember to take the “fake it til you make it” route and I find that the example I set out first really does affect how positive someone responds.

I’ve been holding onto being accommodating. People have so many rules when it comes to talking about themselves, or a lack there of. It seems that most people have a different opinion when it comes to what they want to talk about and what they don’t want to talk about and correspondingly how they view me for either matching or not matching their expectations. I’ve bounced back and forth between being too closed off and revealing, usually in the same conversation, sometimes by accurately sensing what the person I’m talking to would want from me. This is pretty much passively side-stepping the risk to be disliked. I never know what to share and with whom, and I have hated finding out. I have not always made the best judgment calls in the past and these mistakes have not rolled off my back as I would of liked. I guess I’ve been pretty hard on myself.
I hold back from expressing myself and want people to like me, because I don’t want to see their disappointment and I just want to skip over that entire unpleasant thing. It won’t be perfect. It won’t be omg best friends forever! I don’t care if it’s egotistical, but why can’t people like me, everything about me, all the time? Is it really that unrealistic to expect people to? Is it really that disrespectful of our differences and conforming in a controlling way? Yeah, probably.

I’m tired of guessing. I’m tired of feeling the pressure to talk. I’m tired of holding back, because I think the other person would disapprove.

So what if I talk about things they don’t want to hear and/or if they dislike me? Lots of people have disliked me and I’ve silently tossed a “who the f-ck are you and why should I care?” their way and have immediately forgotten (okay, more like a day or two) all about them. I’ve worked retail, I have lots of dismissive tactics towards those who don’t like me.
But I don’t want people to hate me. I think I’ll always care if they do, but will only wish that maybe someday they won’t or figure that someday they just won’t care anymore.

Is my ego that fragile that I need immediate validation from people upon meeting them? Apparently so even though I’m unassertive enough not to seek it. As you can guess I’ve believed that a lot people have not liked me. Didn’t they know? lol, that I expected them to make some sort of gesture that let me know that they liked me?

I’ve made the mistake of assuming in these situations that since someone didn’t like me that they hate me and I know that other people have done the same. I sulk, ignore them and assume the worse about myself. However I need to learn to deal with these immature people who deal with that by bullying or using passive aggressive stabs. Simply because none of us can get over the fact that someone we don’t know well doesn’t like them.

They’re just people I have class with, just people I work with, just a friend’s friend or friend’s family member, or other random person that I don’t deal with closely or regularly. They could end up being a friend, but in some cases neither of us can seem to get over ourselves and our need for immediate validation.

Sometimes a person has made it quite clear that they like me they still think I have that expectation, because I’m not obviously or enthusiastically enough validating that I realize they like me. I’ve noticed in others and myself that we’re more preoccupied with hoping and sustaining the “like me” status. So it’s a continual anxious process of proving to each other that we both like the other and that we both know the status of the others “likeness” So there’s no question whatsoever at any one point in time that either of us might be against the other. When really in the mind of the individual anything can be seen as suddenly them hating you no matter any previous such validating “like you” messages or gestures. I’ve experienced this with friends, lovers and with both men and women young and old. All it really shows is that none of us are all that comfortable with who we are and that people pleasing comes in sneaky forms.

For a while I went to a woman’s social group for a couple of months. One of my friends called it “the awkward club” I really saw that other people both extroverted and introverted are nervous around people they have never met. It is an odd sense of comfort knowing that everyone around you is just as insecure as you are.

I haven’t quite figured out how to get over my ego and wanting to be liked, but it happens sooner if I notice that someone is having the same problem. I’ve easily found myself social situations through people, event boards, clubs etc. and I could aggressively attack this goal and dole out social interactions with measured increments. I get burned out quickly but I still need practice from time to time.

-In my school years there was a time where instead of figuring out which group of women to befriend I sought out male friends, but never really became good friends with them, because I didn’t feel like I completely fit in with them either. A lot of the guys easily saw me as just another person with possible interesting things about me. Girls never made me feel like one of them and boys didn’t either, but didn’t put the same kind of expectations on me.

Guys were a lot more relaxed and took themselves less seriously. They could care less about what I looked like and they were always straightforward and to the point. It was sorta like they knew I was a visitor and wouldn’t be around for long, but didn’t care. During my time where I hung out in a bit of a buffer zone before they realized that I could be a potential girlfriend they’d ask questions about girls and I’d ask questions about guys. It was a pretty sweet deal for a 12 year old girl since I often had six or seven answers and they only had one from me.

I grew up with an older brother and relied on things he would say or do. I wrestled, played tag football and basketball with them and the expectations came with a lot more empathasis on how I acted or performed. Which I would later hear to be the annoying male equivalent to the vanity status’ of women. I got used to ways of acting, speaking and certain kinds of jokes.

When my time was up and one of them formed a crush on me and then gave me the boot when I was all “let’s just be friends” I realized I was tired of the guys anyway, other women thought I was “becoming a guy” and I gained a bit more approval of my main peer group again.

-I’ve been doing a lot of reading about Tai Chi and have been on the phone with people I know who practice it. Any traditional place who teaches Tai Chi will stick to the belief that you must practice the Yin aspect of Tai Chi for at least ten or twenty years before you can move onto any Yang/Pushing Hands training. True, perhaps there are Yang aspects to The Flow and here is where I suppose there is a style difference.

I have no problem with accepting the notion that I am a novice until a large amount of time has passed. That’s common in martial arts. However I’ve heard that some places will teach The Flow some days and some days they will teach Pushing Hands. Which I think I would want to do.

“In a fight, if one uses hardness to resist violent force then both sides are certain to be injured, at least to some degree. Such injury, according to T’ai Chi theory, is a natural consequence of meeting brute force with brute force. The collision of two like forces, yang with yang, is known as “double-weighted” in T’ai Chi terminology. Instead, students are taught not to fight or resist an incoming force, but to meet it in softness and “stick” to it, following its motion while remaining in physical contact until the incoming force of attack exhausts itself or can be safely redirected, the result of meeting yang with yin. Done correctly, achieving this yin/yang or yang/yin balance in combat (and, by extension, other areas of one’s life) is known as being “single-weighted” and is a primary goal of T’ai Chi Ch’üan training.”-wikipedia

I don’t remember not being made fun of by someone every year in my school years until high school started. There were two types of girls who always dominated somewhere and it was clear to both groups that I wanted attention from them, that it would feel good and that it would matter because the leader and rest of the group would be allowing me to belong.

It might have just been my school or maybe during the 90’s when the aggressive girl came to be more frequent in schools and where there were as many girl fights as there were male. I often averted my eyes or suffered the consequences which were verbal attacks and I got pushed a few times. However the girls I found to be friends with sometimes were the targets of physical fights from these girls.

The other type of girl was more frequent and less overt but didn’t like me either and called me manly, girly, fat, anorexic, gay, prudish, slutty, and has not only been in the right place at the right time to point out many real faux pas’ but has done so in that accurate way that a girl can zero in on what would really embarrass you. These cheerleaders and sorority girls in training cared about make-up, skin products, fashion, designer labels, trendy clothes, malls, gossip etc.

Instead of immediately rejecting me like they did with some of my friends I frequently found girls in both groups who offered me their friendship. I realized that I could rise in the ranks of bitch-hood if I took their crap long enough, but I saw other girls like me who instead of learning from them ended up being their permanent lackey. Even though the word “bitch” became known after a while to mean “assertive” I thought that these girls were taking advantage of the term so to speak. I liked that they seemed powerful but at the time didn’t see any room for being feminine.
The leader of the princesses approached with all smiles and would give me a fake compliment and invitation. I was to be her “pet project” though and I needed different clothes, etc.

Both groups needed me to be something I wasn’t being and I didn’t get it, so I always rejected them both. Throughout my school years I often had a different friend each year and this was why.
By the time high school had arrived I had kept collecting other girls like me and formed a group. They were the first group of friends that I’ve ever had. I knew each one of them and had a rapport with each one. I commented during conversations, started conversations, and generally spoke freely.
As far as I was concerned there weren’t any rules and I wasn’t in a clique. Until a new girl began to sit with us and try to be our friend. Looking back me and another girl would say hello, meaning this allowed her entry to sit with us, but none of the other girls would talk to her. I didn’t even become friends with her until after high school when things finally started to look different. Looking back though I saw that my group did behave in stereotypical female ways, but in an odd mixture between the princess and the queen. There was a passive aggressive form of teasing that would focus on a person’s image, but we would also call each other out. I suppose in a way it fit the middle ground of adolescence.

The older versions of these still exist and nowadays I’ve encountered other women who will measure whether you like them in a three second window. If you do not obviously like them-with big smiles and a cheery hello-then certainly you hate them and will be susceptible to their passive aggressive jabs. Or if you’ve misjudged your female acquaintance and she happens to be the firm defensive type easily seen as cold or a bitch then you will be susceptible to their overtly mean jabs. Either one will punish you. Why do women either seem to need affirmation from other women or get offended by such previous gestures? I’m not sure if I’ve “punished” the other girl by being passive aggressive, but I guess speaking for myself since I’ve gone back and forth. I want affirmation when I feel disconnected and alone, but I dislike any sense of “needing” the woman to prove my worth and additionally I want to feel independent. I don’t know what I need from them to feel connected and independent both.

In her book “Sacred Contracts” Caroline Myss describes two female specific archetypes, The Damsel(Princess) and The Queen(Empress). You can find descriptions of both here

It’s occurred to me that both archetypes are pretty much dealing with getting their needs met and assertion issues. Looking at both of the archetypes from this angle I think I’m mostly a princess (my three main friends are all princesses too) since my main assertion styles vary often between passive, passive aggressive and assertive. I have to feel pushed, pressured and assume that the behavior is what would gain me respect from the other person to be aggressive. So in an odd way I’m being passive through people pleasing when I’m aggressive-lol. Though I can admit that side of me comes out more naturally in being very protective around children.

I hadn’t thought about assertiveness being different for people based on gender, but a guy I know who is mainly passive feels quite different about it than I do. He feels that women can get away with being passive more than men. I’d have to say that I agree, but in a very generalized way and not personally. As a woman I’ve been judged for being passive-maybe differently-but there nonetheless. I’m still getting to know my archetype, so this isn’t something I’m actively working on, but I still think about it from time to time.

Currently when assessing my assertive behavior and seeing where I could stand to be more authentic I was reminded of some people I had just met.

They are always laughing, making jokes, smiling, they don’t really listen very well, you get the feeling they would prefer to hear the sound of their own voice and only have someone in the room as a sense of novelty, they have poor recall of things you’ve repeated that were important to you-not from a necessarily bad memory, but from the sneaking suspicion that they chose to remember what they felt was only an important judgment about you, they use being positive as a way to disregard other aspects of reality and here was where I got sad: they apologize for letting anything else slip. “I’m sorry I don’t mean to be a “downer.” “I’m sorry I told you about my bad day” “I’m sorry I didn’t have better news” Fake people always make me take notice of my own behavior. It’s as if they are apologizing for being themselves and daring to have an unpopular emotion. I imagine it was a survival method. Must be “happy” to gain approval, be listened to or be liked.

I thought more about an area where I needed to embrace and and I wondered generally what does being a woman or a man mean to you?

Is it in your appearance?
Is it in your behavior?
Is it in how society has expected you to be?
Is it what gender you choose to be intimate with?

Certainly femininity or masculinity isn’t entirely dependent on any one of these.

-Long hair, make-up, jewelery, shoes, skirts, dresses, long painted nails and short height, big eyes, long eye lashes, small hands, a recessed chin, small feet, high waist, low hips, outer curve to the thigh, lower curve to the inner calves, and even whether there is a slight presence of an Adams apple have all been seen on men as well as women.

-Quiet, coy, demure, passive, relenting, receptive, understanding, following, receiving, and some others I can’t remember at the moment. I’ve met men who were all of these. Some had a chip on their shoulders, because of it and I’ve met women who were the opposite of these and they’ve seemed to have similar chips on their shoulders. Being dominating or passive doesn’t make you strong or weak for either gender. My respect isn’t dependent on it and it never will be. I see those qualities not as a “stand-alone” but with more of a bigger picture with a long list of possible alternatives that may or may not make up a person’s personality. I’d say indefinitely unhealthy Eights on the enneagram have taught me that.

-If we lived in less of a vain society do you think it would matter less whether people had the need to understand others as “men” or “women”? Or would biological factors dominate-attraction?

-The concept of being in a relationship affirming one’s sense of gender can be sensitive. In a physical way this can be true, but I think it gets ridiculous when shaming tactics like “emasculating” or “effeminate” are tossed towards the others behavior.

I see so many gay couples feel the need to take on “the dude” and “the chick” roles and if it’s fun or just a part of the personality whatever, that’s cool, but I don’t think it’s necessary. I’ve known a few people who were worried that they didn’t look “feminine” or “masculine” enough-as if there were a manual somewhere that they needed to follow-it was of course indicative of how straight they were.

-In the glbt society from “Lipstick Lesbians” to “Bears” many have wished to give the message that socialized gender roles are not going to influence what gender you wish to be intimate with.
Also meaning just because you identify with being gay doesn’t make you any less of a man or a woman.
-There has also been a clarification between “gender” meaning what you identify as and “sex” meaning what you are biologically. The trans-gendered are truly the pioneers in gender typing.

Upon much thought and realizing that there are about a ton of words to describe and stereotype, I have realized that it just doesn’t matter what you choose to identify with that lets others know who you identify with being. During adolescence I was told to be what simply comes naturally and choose what I like. Which I’ve been doing, but the stable sense of “this is how I define my womanhood” hasn’t quite fully developed yet.

I’m tired of giving in to others opinions of what “makes me be something” I hate pink, but who knew that there were so many shades of it and that actually some shades of fuchsia are alright. I hate floral patterns, but who knew that they come in other flower prints than the standard? I’m well aware of the fact that my “soldier hat”, plaid shoes and that I rarely wear skirts or dresses all look butch but meh. I think what matters is that I’m striving to be what I value which is to be gender blind.