be more assertive

definitely getting better about this, especially as i worry less about how people might respond or what they will think of me.

I am somewhere between ‘doormouse’ and ‘violently verbal’ (sometimes further – once or twice). I think it’s common with people who are too polite. Others take advantage and even thought they cross the line you don’t feel it’s right to so you keep bottling it in, dealing with the same crap and finally the day comes when you explode (or I do anyway) and their reaction is ‘wtf?’ I guess because you let them get away with it for so long (you’d think they’d have been taught basic manners to know how to behave properly in the first place). Today I had to deal with someone who is consistently obnoxious and whilst I wasn’t assertive I was ‘passive aggressive’...which doesn’t count for much (and made me feel worse). Anyway instead of avoiding her (and dealing with the likelihood of me thumping her), i’m sending letter of complaint to her boss (worded politely of course).

sneaking into doctors offices today and interacting..great for learning to be assertive.

sent some more to the point emails today, hopefully getting more assertive rather than being polite all the time!

another punch in the head from the med school again today. have to be assertive with myself and keep on fighting and progressing as i want to, without being brought down to their negativity and can’t do attitude. so important to stay strong, remind myself of my goals, and to spend as much time as possible in the company of normal like minded people!

had some meetings for wasps today and lots of information finding, so lots of people to talk to..did ok with being assertive and asking for what I wanted. Also been invited for an audition for film next week.

You know what? I hate the word “change”
People have told me: “I’m gonna need you to change” People have promised me: “I’ll change; you’ll see”
Kids in my yearbooks wrote to me: “Don’t change.” “Stay the same!” Blah, blah, blah.

A scene currently brings to mind of bickering people I’ve come across at parties and cafes: conservatives and liberals and atheists and theists. I’ve heard pleas to just believe or to just let fantasies go and I’ve heard insults of naivety or cold-heartedness. Miracles versus Fuzzy Math. Misanthropes that hate hippies and the stable-minded hating chaos.

In college psych classes I learned that you’d really hope a person’s brain chemistry doesn’t change itself for the person to actually be able to be completely radically different the next day. On it’s own that is. Without an existing issue or provocation-drugs, brain injuries, trauma, etc.

It is in my opinion that when it comes to people there is no such thing as the forceful cataclysmic overwhelming upheaval that the popular usage of the word “change” implies. Even in such fateful unforeseen changes such as an illness, death or an accident. It would appear in those cases that a persons consciousness hangs in limbo/shock for a while and in the recovery process-gradually changes and adapts. I’d say it’s for good reason. Maybe people change all the time. Would we really know?

I’d say that someone who sticks with change terminology is likely to force the facts to fit their version of reality. When doing this I’ve found that something never always fits the way I want it to and in order for it to fit I’d have to lie to myself.

I’d rather trust in the process that someone is more likely to grow in short bursts over time and therefore subtly “change” instead of just suddenly being different. A few people have told me that I’m splitting hairs and that “grow” and “change” are interdependent. While true, for those who can not get lost in the details of the future or worried about what the change will bring about and stay in the present-my hat is off to you.

As to whether or not I haven’t been paying attention to those around me and they’ve simply changed over the years or they’ve been splitting and compartmentalizing parts of themselves-over the course of two days in one person, three weeks in another person, or as I was told I’ll probably always dissociate to an extent and face the “have I got it all of something I can’t see” fear, or all of the above.
I could play the objective game of “well I don’t really know do I?” until I’m red in the face, but maybe a part of being assertive is just simply affirming what you know to be right in a humble content way that doesn’t need the validation of others.

If it’s good enough for me-shouldn’t it simply be only good enough for me? If the truth I’m seeking were not as confusing, nor potentially painful as it is then I’d say yes. Perhaps I gain assertiveness points back by reaching out to connect to someone whom I suspected was dealing with the same. It turned out I was right. It’s always a little surprising when it feels so good to not be alone in something so negative.
While others want to know how I know, this person has affirmed my perceptions as something they also experience and told me new things that I hadn’t realized that I also face.

definitely working on my new attitude, and great to chat with friends today and confirm my thoughts and feelings…thanks guys xx

am trying to put myself in situations that i wouldn’t usually, things where I would try and hang in the background where its safer. Trying to do lots of presentations and auditions for film and tv, and things where I would ordinarily feel a bit silly. Also reminded myself to focus on what matters and not get lost in others troubles and complaints and negative energy. Keep surrounded by things that make me feel happy and remind me who I am, rather than trying to fit in boxes made by other people.

sick of being pushed around