be good at my job and find meaning in it without sacrificing my personal goals, integrity, health and happiness

I think it’ll be a time for a new goal soon. Sometime in the new year. I’m doing all I can here, but the limitations of this position become ever clearer, and I need to start looking for something else in spring or summer. Not hunt, but start to look at what’s on offer and what’s demanded from applicants.

When T. showed me a job offer last night (marketing trainee, 2 yrs.), I fended it off (don’t have what it takes, don’t have degree), then felt bad about doing so and told him to keep ‘em coming. (And felt thankful for therapy.) I know that I can only gain from stepping out there, into the real world, away from this, but find it infinitely scary.

At work, too, there’ve been many moments in the past weeks when I noticed how my attitude has changed, and how it needs to change even more. So much to learn.

And along comes my therapist and very nearly congratulates me when I report dissatisfaction with the job. It’s what she would regard as a good development, although there really is none – I’ve always been relatively unhappy with the work. I don’t know where she sees me – not that it matters much – I don’t even know where to see myself. Nevermind, comes the answer, focus on getting your degree and then this other question may be addressed. That’s what I tell myself too. So why haven’t I been able to do anything towards it for a whole month? It’s plain stupid!

1. Normal work days: I’m finally there (95 %). That 9 to 5 thing which everyone hates, for me it’s bliss, at least at the moment. It’s a bit of a challenge to make it into the office before/at nine o’clock, but a very nice feeling to get home around six or seven, and, overall, to know when I’m next going to go to work.
2. Keep work hours down to minimum: I had to take the plunge in order to secure permanent employment, and continue to be worried if those twenty hours can be balanced with exams. Yes, they can, I have to have faith in that. Comp time should help me too.
3. No procrastinating, no private stuff at office: I don’t do that, just the occasional look at facebook or email. But continue to think that I’m too slow – that, however, is a different problem.
4. Better relationship with colleagues, social skills? I’d say it doesn’t get all that much better (we will always come from very different sides). Even though my/our office is located on the periphery and I sometimes feel that I miss out, it’s good to be able to work undisturbed. I have probably gone to others for a chat/questions too many times in the past weeks, but that’s because of the anxiety about work contract, and I will cease to do that when my place is secure(d). Point of criticism mentioned by boss (I list the only valid one): I don’t take it well when I feel that someone’s treading on my toes. Apropos, my boss? I should keep in mind that a) he cannot be trusted and b) that I shouldn’t care. Just try to get along and not get frustrated.
5. List of priorities? Have never had chance to discuss this with my boss, but now I’m making my own. I don’t think he cares a whole lot.
6. Learning: My colleague has taken me to a business breakfast for marketing specialists and has organized an Illustrator training for us. Plus boss n°2 has mentioned possibility of further classes/trainings. Good! I need to figure out what else I want to learn, and make suggestions to those “in power”.
7. Health? Too much coffee and bad posture. My computer’s too loud, already told my colleague and now have to remind boss n° 2. Too much chocolate, too. But I go by bike. And bought a calendar, “yoga for the office” (for the home…).

I’m angry today… deservedly so, but, it really leads nowhere. My boss probably doesn’t know what he’s doing (other than: saving money). In spite of certain hurtful or at least offensive things he said, there were also words of praise. At the end of the day, it’s just a job. Just twenty hours (from now on) each week, and that job is something I will leave behind one day. My life is so much more than that.

I cried a little today because of annoying problem with data entry project, and then I cursed at Excel, and then I realized that it’s probably PMS that makes me feel so thinskinned (although it usually doesn’t). That theory made me feel a little better.

All of the branch managers meet with my boss tomorrow and they’re probably going to tear my work to shreds – not what I do, but all the things I don’t find the time to do. I’ve decided to not let it get to me any further than it already has – tonight I’ll just hop onto the couch, watch Dexter and forget all about it. They can come at me tomorrow with ideas about SEO and SEM and what else. I do think that they KNOW – that I do what I can.

The DIVIDE between office and academic world pains me. I don’t think the distance could be any further; there are… these strange folks on the one side, whom I often can’t help regard as very simple, uneducated, perhaps stupid, however harsh that sounds (and I’m most bitter about it when I detect racist, sexist, homophobic tendencies in these people); on the other side, intellectuals… on the other side, all that I like to do… read, analyze, discuss. For a living.

Other people have jobs too that aren’t intellectually satisfying, but at least they are not surrounded by people as – again, sorry – uneducated as my colleagues (I’d probably rather deal with “smart” people who, for instance, advocate economic liberalization, which would exasperate me a lot, than continually deal with people who can’t even…. oh, it’s no use.)

Self-pity is not the answer. I have to REMEMBER for what reason I put this goal up here. I have to believe that change can come, not in the next nine or so months, but later. There will have to be change. I can’t spend my life like this. I have to remember that there are things to get excited about. Literary tours, to think of just one example. There are things to do.

What can I learn while in this job? How can I do a better job? How much time can I devote to this without barring the way out? I spent most of Thursday night trying to figure out how many hours to work. And I still don’t know.

The first day of sharing office with my boss was really nice! He TALKED to me! He even told me that he distinctly remembers a conversation we had, um, four years ago? Eight years ago at the other company, when he was a freelancer, I a student employee? I’ve no recollection of it.

I think my work will profit from this possibility to talk things over with him and ask for his opinion, rather than having a once in a blue moon, hectic phone conversation. That’s GOOD.

He commented, smilingly, on the fact that I troubleshooted a technical problem my other boss was having – also good!

And he has a (rather unspectacular) photo of the Manhattan skyline, as seen from New Jersey, I believe, pinned to his wall. The photo is really bad, but it apparently means something to him. If that is so, he can’t be a bad person, right? ;-)

I do realize of course that it’s a problem that I always want people to like me and that I look for signs that they approve of me. It’s partly trying to make up for the fact that this whole situation is so darn uncomfortable. Wanna see some change for the better in the coming months. And need to stop apologizing for how it is now – it just is.

Tomorrow is the first day I’ll be sharing (will share? my English grammar is all weird again) an office WITH MY BOSS. With the one who actually works, not the one who just comes in for a few hours each week. I’ve been thinking about this and how it might help me to “grow up” – be more focused, centered, not so bubbly. I actually likes this development, it’s much better than “rooming” with someone who stares at the fall and rise of stocks all day. Glad to get away from that.

I really want to make a good impression, of course, not just tomorrow but every day. No messy hair, no more eating muesli in front of the computer, and no swearing at the computer! It’s much more difficult to imagine how we will get along. He’s not big on smalltalk and I suffer from foot-in-mouth disease on occasion – what a great combo.

And in a few weeks I will have to speak up about my wish for them to employ me for real. My therapist said so too. I need to figure it all out – how many hours, how much flexibility that allows me. It kind of breaks my heart that now when I finally have all this money and could focus ENTIRELY on studies, I still need to work, or face unemployment after getting my degree. It might not even be true, but don’t want to risk losing this job. It’s all scary stuff, but I always come back to this one thought, progress is good. I just need to grow a little stronger. And yet – I wish I could take a sabbatical and focus on just one thing.

I need to tell them I won’t be in until September 14th, or a week later. I can worry about my job later.

Review.

1) keep normal work days: yup. Sometimes “normal” did mean 13 hours, but since those days constitute an exception.
2) work only when I’m in the office: is better and could be better still. I check my emails once a day from library computers and attend to whatever needs to be done.
3) work only the absolute minimum of hours and come up with alternative ways of financing my last months as a student: I do.
4) establish a good pattern of days at the office vs. days spent elsewhere (library): Boss thought so too, as I heard through the grapevine. We settled on Friday. But then my boss was never around on Fridays, so I’m back to the irregular pattern. Grr.
5) alert all of my collagues to my public excel schedule of “when I’ll be at the office”: works.
5) not tend to private matters while I’m at the office: no no no.
6) no bouts of excessive procrastination while I’m at the office: facebook. not excessively, but.
7) pay better attention to colleagues and if there’s anything else I can learn from them – try to do this without risking to be given even more work and responsibility: wow, this has changed – nowadays I’m worried about being too insignicant and replaceable and I want more responsibility (in the full knowledge that I DON’T HAVE THE TIME – but what about next year?)
8) establish better communication with business partners and clients: yes, I think so; they regard me as a “real” coworker
9) go over list of to do’s and decide which ones to tackle first, bring into agreement with what my boss thinks of as top priority: my boss is hardly ever there, still need to do this
10) figure out how to stay healthy while doing intensive computer work: posture comes to mind.