have honest conversations with myself in hopes of coming to terms with all my BS

i dont have any idea where to even START.

Another lesson learned: I actually do have the ability to cut ties and remove myself from unhealthy relationships.

Late Monday night, a friend of mine blew up on me (via text…how classy) over something that had absolutely nothing to do with me. And when I say nothing, I mean NOTHING. The blame-game continued on the next morning, and until the point that I finally woke up to what kind of “friendship” this chick and I actually had. I explained my problem with the whole misplaced anger scenario, and since this wasn’t the first time this had happened (over this same drama actually), I decided to end whatever sham friendship existed. And I did it like an adult. No name-calling, no screaming, no bitchiness. I stated my case, I wished her the best and I excused myself from a situation and a person who were doing me more than good.

You know, I’ve always thought I could ride a purple dolphin to the moon if I really set my mind to it, but I NEVER thought I could willfully cut someone out of my life like that. I thought the guilt would be overwhelming, but after I did what I thought was right, there was no guilt. I actually kind of felt proud of myself. I left a situation that was hurtful and broke ties with someone who only called on me when either a) she was needing some support or b) she wanted to take out her anger over her life and her mistakes on me.

Basically, I acted like a real, live emotional grown-up.

And then today…I did it again, but this time it hurt like hell.

I haven’t ever really said much about this, but my friendship with G has always been something of a psychological minefield. Since I’ve known him, I’ve had some of the best times of my life with him, but he’s hurt me more than any other friend I’ve ever had. When we first became friends, I was a real wild child who was so stoned most of the time that my feelings were basically nonexistent. Our friendship grew because I loved his “I don’t give a fuck about feelings” attitude, but I think I only survived those first few years because I had a hard shell of narcotics keeping me safe and cozy in my daydream world where everyone would eventually get along. I don’t have that shell anymore. I’m raw, and the simple fact of the matter is that he is the type of person who loves nothing more than pushing painful buttons.

Over the past few years (especially this last year), I’ve settled down a lot, and I’ve let my emotions come out of hiding. The problem is that the way he and I related to each other did not change at all – no matter how many times I brought the issue to the table. Over the last year, our friendship has devolved into some weird sort of “kill or be killed” barbaric duel. We’ve been either incredibly close or at a stand-off waiting to see who shoots first. I can’t live like that!

I need friends because I need the kind of support that I offer them in return. What I was getting from G was a grab-bag relationship that more often than not would leave me in tears. It just wasn’t a healthy relationship. It’s been pointed out to me many times by many people that he would take his frustrations out on me, because he knew I wouldn’t leave, that I’d just take it and come back for more. After our last argument about two weeks ago, I finally decided enough was enough.

I went to see him this afternoon and really opened up about how much I’ve been hurt by the things that have happened. It was really hard to keep my cool during this conversation, because all I wanted to do was shake him and force him to treat me better than he has been. I tried my best not to lay all the blame on him; lord knows, I was just as much a part of the dysfunctionality as he was. As much as it hurt me to tell him that I just can’t be a part of his life like I once was, it still felt good…it still felt right…to be removing myself from the punching bag position. I’m not closing the door on the fact that one day maybe we can have a mutually beneficial, mutually respectful relationship, but now is just not that time.

I don’t want to come off like I’ve suddenly decided everything has to be my way or the highway. It’s not like that at all. I just think I’m finally beginning to realize that I deserve to be in the car with people – and not be the poor raccoon that’s flattened every time someone else’s problems roll into town.

1. I am much too influenced by the moods of those around me.

I’ve always secretly prided myself on being empathetic, but this seriously goes way beyond that. It’s like I saw a sign that said “Leaving Empathy-ville” and kept on truckin’. I think my being overly sensitive has lead me to the point that I feel so much for other people and I feel so much of what they’re feeling that my own personal emotions are seriously out of whack.

For instance, there is some serious beef going down between two of my best friends. While that would probably upset anyone, I feel like it’s MY problem. I don’t have the ability to step back and say, “Gee, that sucks. I hope they get cool again soon.” No, I sit and brood and cry over someone else’s hurt feelings. There have been too many days to count where I’ve suddenly realized that I’m doing OK, but I’ve let my empathy for others drag me into a hole that felt entirely my own.

So what am I going to do to change this aspect of myself? Since the realization that this was actually a problem slowly began to dawn on me, I’ve become somewhat vigilant about examining my moods. Do I feel down because of something I’ve done or can this be attributed to simply feeling too much for another person? Most of the time I’ve found that, yes, I am in fact allowing myself to be ruled by other people’s moods.

2. I have serious daddy issues.

Despite the fact that I’ve had years of moments that I’d rather forget, the only real problems I’ve ever had have been dealing with my emotions toward men. I’m terrible at romantic relationships, and I tend to either deify or despise men that are my superiors in a working and/or educational environment.

From a very young age, I knew my parents did not have a perfect marriage, but when my father walked out on us when I was 13, it still came as a complete surprise. I’ve been off-kilter with the male species ever since. If I’m dating a guy, it’s always in the back of my mind that he’s got one foot out the door. As a result, I think a lot of the more healthy romantic relationships I’ve had have been sabotaged by yours truly. In a work or school environment, I have this odd tendency to want to trust male superiors implicitly, which will without fail lead me to wishing they would fall off the face of the planet. This even happens with police officers. When I’ve gotten a ticket from a female cop, I just thought she was doing her job. When it was a male, I couldn’t help but feel that he was somehow lording his gender superiority over me.

Do I feel inferior being a woman? I don’t want to think so, but my earliest lessons at home taught me that women get walked on and men walk out. Since I have a true fear of being left, maybe I see my femininity as a weakness, and now as I think of that, I’m pretty sure that the fact that I cannot bring myself to wear a dress or have a variety of close female friends has a lot to do with this perceived weakness.

3. The feeling that I allowed myself to be hurt in my last relationship has begun to rule my life.

While I can sit and look my best friends in the eye and say, “I did everything I could do to make my relationship with Christopher work,” I still feel like a failure. I’ve rehashed it a million times (or more) in my head, and it never fails that I find ways to make the entire thing entirely my fault. Logically, I know this isn’t true. Logically, I know that I only bailed on that sinking ship when it was becoming deadly to my mental health. However, on the other hand, I’m not used to things not going my way. I was spoiled as a child and early success did nothing but enforce the feeling that I was invincible. I STILL feel invincible, so obviously the fact that things didn’t work out HAS to be MY fault.

Allowing myself to get in that situation makes me feel like a complete idiot. I can’t trust my judgment anymore. I’ve always felt that I was in control and the fact that I wasn’t perfect enough to fix everything is driving me crazy. I don’t know how to get close to anyone now, because I’m constantly afraid of allowing myself to get obliterated all over again. This holds true for all my relationships – even with my friends. Over the past few months I’ve gotten incredibly close to JS, and I honestly don’t believe he’d ever do anything to hurt me. But that wall is still there. I won’t let anyone in, because I just can’t trust myself.

I feel like I was made to look like a complete fool. I let myself be made into a fool. I made myself into a fool. I just don’t know where to go from there. I’ve always been slightly afraid of people, afraid of getting hurt, but now I can’t even have a simple conversation without worrying that I’ve gotten the wrecking ball swinging again.

I’ve always tended to live in my head a lot, and I’m finally beginning to realize that those first few awful months after my break-up with Christopher completely rewired my brain. I want to be like I used to be. I want to flirt and have sweet moments and get my hopes up, but I just can’t. The fear of that humiliation happening all over again won’t let me.

I just don’t know how to deal with this last one. I know how to examine my moods and make sure they’re entirely of my doing, I know how sit back and truly see how I’ve allowed my feelings toward my father to influence my outlook on gender, but I do not know how to look myself in the mirror without seeing the word “failure” stamped on my forehead. But at least I’ve identified the problem. That’s a start, right?

I’m going through some major internal personality and maybe even some life changes at the moment. I’m very confused and have conflicting wants. So having honest conversations with myself really needs to happen and it needs to happen sooner than later.

I got this one from another member, but it seems today that the difference between me and the successful sombodies out there is that their internal monologues probably aren’t full of crap. I don’t know how to do this, but I’ll figure it out.

For most of 2008, I was caught up in someone else’s BS – or at least I thought it was someone else’s. Over the past few weeks I’ve started coming to terms with the fact that if I didn’t have this swirling mess of drama in my own head, then I wouldn’t have placed myself so willingly in such an unhappy situation.

Hello, accountability. I’m sorry it took us so long to get acquainted.

I can’t exactly pinpoint all the areas in my head that need rewiring, but believe me, there are quite a few. Maybe now that I’ve taken myself off the bad-decision carousel, I can open a dialogue with myself and get to the heart of the matter, i.e., where all my craziness and insecurities and lack of good judgment actually comes from.