let her go

CRAAP. Part of me is realising she just wont change her mind, but the other part is still waiting for a phone call. I want her, i need her, i miss her, i love her, i ..

Had a weak moment this morning, and i texted her a message that i still love and miss her(which i do). She replied, that i shouldnt write those things to her anymore, that she’s felling horrible enough as it is, and that im making it only harder.

I guess i really made it all worse, now even her friends hate me.

Damn, .. i only hoped we still had a chance.. I seriously just have to let her go..

Ive erased her from my cellphone, and blocked from my life five days ago. Wasnt easy, but i though it was the best thing to do at that time. Well, i was wrong, its even harder. I am beginning to think,that contacting her just for a drink wont be such a bad idea.

It’s past midnigth now, so I can say i’ve survived one whole week without my girlfriend. ex-girlfriend.
The first three days were a disasterously painstaking experiance. My life simply collapsed. And I know, I’m a guy, yeah, guys dont cry, guys take it easier, I say bullshit.
After almost 5 years of a loving relationship, even though it got colder at the end, it hurts like hell.

She was my first true love, i mean really true love, which i looked for since i started dating in high school. I was never interested in one-night stands.
I often felt incredibly lucky, that i found her. And not only for the looks(yes she was lovingly pretty), but for the good personality she had.
There were some downsides – we had similar characters,but we were almost completely opposite at most other things in life ,
but in a way we completed each other. Most of the time.

Ofcourse after a while, love got colder. We also used to solve conflicts with diplomacy, but lately, we were more and more annoyed with each other. When we went on a vacation two weeks ago, she realized, she cant do it anymore, and ended it after we got back.

And now im here. Not feeling sorry for myself, but feeling sorry that she left my life, and took a part of me with her. Its now 1:30 am.. i should really go to bed.

For a time in life I had nothing and only truly cared about one thing. I grew a huge dependency for this one thing that was providing me happiness and i invested too much in that thing. That thing was this girl and now that girl is gone. I see now that it wasn’t her that im trying to get over now. I had this problem before, and now i think the source of my dependency was not even that she was good for me, but the fact that i was so lonely. I have tons of friends and my family is okay, but i just can’t help but feeling lonely when im not with someone. But i do love her… i just don’t want to anymore because she can’t be with someone with such a dependency on her.

It’s harder than it looks.

I think the key is to keep busy: Stay on the move and keep moving forward. Throw out all that clutter that’s jamming you up. Live simply. Definitely work out.

Once you stop doing those things, you start looking back again. You notice that you’re lonely (even though you might have been lonely while you were in the relationship). You feel like you’re getting nowhere.

Just keep moving forward.

Imagine me and you, I do
I think about you day and night, it’s only right
To think about the girl you love and hold her tight
So happy together

If I should call you up, invest a dime
And you say you belong to me and ease my mind
Imagine how the world could be, so very fine
So happy together

I can’t see me lovin’ nobody but you
For all my life
When you’re with me, baby the skies’ll be blue
For all my life

in my life.

I would like for this trail of tears to end.

I have to take action.
I CAN be alone.
I have to get my house in order.

Ain’t no future in the past.

this works as well as anything else:

“don’t look back.”