Fix my life

Tonight I am melancholic. My lack of resilience contributes to my ineffectiveness. Oy.

I’ve been without motivation, feeling helpless to address my dissatisfaction with my situation for some time, and the universe will be kicking my ass any moment now.

I don’t know how to get motivated again. I don’t want to hit rock bottom before I get my shit together.

Well ever since I started going to this private school, I have felt like ive been in paradise. There was no bullying, no teasing, no fights, and it was perfect. Then about a year and a half ago I started getting all depressed all of a sudden. I had a horrible 6 month period where i was depressed. Before now i have felt like it was improving, but ever since the school year has started I am going back down again. I am in Highschool Now at this school, which is a k-12 and I want to get out but my parents wont let me till i get good grades. So far im doing good but this past weekend has been horrible.

Here are 14(my age) things i think could help improve my life. I would also need help other ways.

1. Switch Schools(My school has no social environment and barely an academic one)
2. get a girlfriend or a true bestfriend
3. Get Along With Parents(Currently hate them)
4. Make more friends
5. Go out with friends more
6. Lose my depression
7. Stop eating so much
8. Lose some weight
9. Make good friends
10. help around the house
11. earn an allowance
12. practice guitar more
13. use my determination
14. do better in school

Maybe I should break this down into 43 subcategories.

1.Fix my finances and have them growing not shrinking.
2.Fix my self esteem. It’s always been quite low on average.
3.Fix my self worth. A little different than self esteem.
4.Check out my hobbies and replace the unproductive ones (playing rpg’s all night) with more productive, alive ones, like: writing stories. Drawing comics.
5.Fix my interaction with and beliefs about my family. Make them my #1 interest and hobby.
6.Learn to listen.
7.Take myself less seriously.
8.Learn to be okay with not knowing everything. Now that I am a grown up surrounded by other grown ups, I don’t have to be in charge 24/7 to survive. Learn to let that old feeling go.
9.Identify behavioral patterns left over from my rough childhood. Find survival mechanisms still in play that really don’t serve me at all today.
10.Get healthier. I’ve started this but I need to do more to make it a habit, a way of life.
11.Get social again. Seriously, my identity is fuzzing out now that I am agoraphobic.
12.Fix my agoraphobia. I mean I am not insanely so, but have been and could be again. Where did that come from? Find out, fix it.
13.Collect awesome friends.
14.Learn to be a good friend, this is one of those left over childhood survival mechanisms. There is a certain point where I need to end friendships, or create distance, it’s a long story and it bites.
15.Find my dreams again, what the hell are they now? Not get to lvl 100 in all profession in my rpg…surely not.
16.Remember my dream adult life, I remember dreaming about it. I need to meditate on that feeling, I almost feel it and see what I can do about living as close to that dream as I can, sort of a gift to me when I was little. There you go, me, you get what you want! ha.
17.Learn to love my husband unconditionally.(which would involve #18)
18.Decide once and for all if I am staying in or leaving my relationship. Commit to the decision and never look back.
19.Define myself, not totally and completely but generally. What do I like, who am I now? It’s been quite awhile since I checked.
20.Get involved more in my community. I have started this, with volunteering using hands on oregons website, which I love. Funny thing is, I am doing it in my old community the one I want to be back in. Not this neighborhood, which I don’t like.
21.Move my life back where I want it.
22.Get it together, for crying out loud. What is up…
23.Learn self discipline. I have undone what little I had. Get it back and get more of it than ever before. It’s good.
24.Education. Continue it. Forever until I die. Always be taking a class in something.
25.Fix my business, just because it’s not my dream business, it’s still something and it is still capable of being more than enough to fund my dreams and my survival and my families. It is being run into the ground. Fix it, damn it.
26.Learn to be a more easy to get a long with partner. Less critical. More big picture orientated. Less on little details.
27.Stop trying to run and hide from my life. Stop thinking “tomorrow will be better” Learn to take today and control how I feel about it.
28. Grow up my emotions. I don’t have a role model for this and society doesn’t provide many either. Most adults I see have stopped developing and maturing their emotions in their mid twenties at best.
29.Make this list again only, less scattered and more clear. Clarity will make this whole thing less overwhelming maybe.

I’m stopping with 29 because each of these could easily branch into 2 or more things.

I am sick of this now, overwhelmed. I think maybe this is too broad a goal. I need each of these little goals to be one goal.

I know what I need to do, I just need to stay on task. That should be #1. Learn how to stay on task.

good luck, me.
you can do it.

In the past 6 days, I have made progress on several fronts. I only wish I had done so much sooner.

First, I made a counseling appointment yesterday.

Second, I went to the doctor on Thursday and asked for a prescription to help with my anxiety.

Third, I got all my bloodwork done that I’ve been putting off for several years.

Finally, I changed my work schedule and only have to work 8.5 hours instead of 9.5-10.5 per day, like I’ve been doing for the past 8 months. It wasn’t working for me.

I’ve got a few more items to add to my plan to fix my life.

First, I want to stop complaining. I’m too focused on negativity.

Second, I want to try much harder to be nicer to everyone. Even people I don’t like.

Finally, I want to get everything organized. And I want to do that before the end of February.

I know it’s partly hormonal, but I’m an emotional mess right now. I’ve been feeling left out at work, and trying to find a way to deal with it, especially since I’m too freaking old to care that much about hanging out with all these people. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever progress beyond this phase.

Then I found out that someone I consider a really good friend hasn’t shared a major life milestone with me. I feel as if I’ve been punched in the gut.

So, today I call the local university counseling program, because I have work to do.

I am taking steps towards fixing my life, and in a way, I am fixing my life, so I guess this is means I passed :)

I get waylaid by life in my pursuit of self-improvement quite often. I would like to create a list that I could post everywhere, as a visual reminder of all the things I have to do to fix my life. Which are myriad.

I’m primarily frustrated by the clutter in my apartment. I’ve considered moving, simply because I don’t see how I could give up all of my craft projects and books and would rather just have a place with more space. But given the current economic climate, I don’t think that’s the most brilliant idea these days.

But maybe it’s time for a minor compromise. I’m so busy I never have time for all my projects anyway, so perhaps I could scale back on some items and make space for others.

For today, I’m going to do all my laundry and load my CDs onto my computer so that I can (hopefully) sell them to a used CD store.

I recently began reading “The How of Happiness” which is a psychologist’s take on self-help, detailing scientifically proven methods that individuals can undertake in order to increase their happiness. I think I’ll be happy as long as I’m growing personally. I thought I had been, but some recent events have shown me how quickly I revert to old patterns and how swiftly my innate paranoia rears its ugly head, and subsequently drives people away from me, thus reinforcing my problem.

So, onto steps. I’m trying to be hopeful that I’m not so far gone that I can’t be helped, so here goes:

1) Get a therapist
2) Meditate daily
3) Find 5 things to be grateful for every day—I have been doing this, but I can’t say it’s working all that well so far.
4) Set goals at work, and review progress daily and weekly
5) Fight, fight, fight procrastination

I’ll add to this as more ideas occur to me. Feel free to post some in the comments if you are so inclined!

I’m actually working towards it, I don’t have time to update. I am much happier :)