Focus harder on my studies

In view of what’s gone on this past week or so, I think you and I need to have a chat, don’t we?

Just what the hell kind of crazy arrogance leads to the situation where you have four lab reports to write up and two days to do it in? Just because you ‘know’ the subject doesn’t mean you can not bother writing about it….. what were you thinking?

This is a ridiculous way to study. You can’t get cocky about your ability just because of last year’s successes. So you’re naturally bright, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have to put the effort in. You know that you have the advantage of knowing how to structure reports, reference correctly, write critical essays and such because of last year’s foundation course, and there’s a mean little part of you that’s aware you’re scoring better than the rest of the class and is saying, “Well that’s alright then, I’m doing ok”.

But that’s not at all ok is it? That’s why you’ve felt so anxious and shitty for ages; you know you’re not doing your best and the only competition you really care about is the one with yourself. You scared yourself with how late you’d left it this time, didn’t you? And at the same time you’re feeling relief that you got excellent feedback on the work you produced, you’re feeling a little niggle at the thought your tutor saw work that you know to be below par…..you want her to see the best you can do and then, and only then, will you feel the praise she gives you is deserved.

You know this is true.

Squash the voice of procrastination, the one that makes comparison to others; stop the arrogant squander of the wonderful mind you have. At the same time you can calm the fear that lurks inside you; the dread that one day, like come the exams, you won’t be able to wing it and you’ll get found out. All that praise people give you that you feel isn’t justified…..you’re right, it isn’t and that’s why that fear is a rational fear.

Take it and turn it into determination…..study properly and work smarter, not necessarily longer or harder. Remember why you’re doing this. Remember how you felt today when you went in properly prepped for lab and actually enjoyed what you were doing because you knew what, why and how you were doing it. All those subjects that seemed dull to you last year became fascinating once you applied yourself, didn’t they? Even chemical equations excited you once you got to grips with them. ^geek Maybe even building regulations and rising damp have interesting things about them….you look at brickwork since doing that presentation don’t you? ^{double geek…I don’t care ;D}

And finally, when you hear the rumble of Procrastination’s voice remember, that’s precisely the time you should get the books out and get on with it; you’ve just got to listen to Me.

Well I’ve said what I wanted to say to you…...so, think on…..keep this and the other goals in mind…..change your ways…...and we’ll say n’more about it.

Love you.
x

WARNING: Post of extraordinary length, even by my standards. Don’t worry if you don’t have time or inclination to read it, I just needed to write it and put it somewhere I would see it from time to time. :-)

So here’s the real deal about where I’m at right now.

I’m 41, just about to be declared bankrupt (it’s a race to the finish line as to which creditor actually does the deed); I have had bailiffs knock at my door twice in the last fortnight and am on last chance before they really start making efforts to enter the house…. I have just about got what is needed to stop this from happening…..this time.

I got to this point having had no kind of life/career plan and lurching from one job to another. I got lucky a lot of the time and worked my way up the secretarial ladder, going from office junior to legal secretary over a period of around 17 years. Interwoven with that was a haphazard ‘career’ in retail where, when I got so fed up with office work (which I’d never wanted to do in the first place) that I was clinically depressed, I would somehow talk my way into progressively more managerial positions in shops varying from greengrocers (my favourite) through to Ann Summers (should have been the most fun but was awful). At some point I would realise that I preferred the higher pay of secretarial work and quit the retail (which I really enjoy….apart from the idiocy of retail management at chain store level) and stumble back into some secretarial position.

The trouble was, despite being very good at both of those jobs, I was never really fulfilled in either; it made me miserable at some core level. I left my last secretarial job during a bout of depression, and despite being offered a ridiculously large sum of money to go back (that was a first to me….to have someone call out of the blue to offer me a job, then when I decline, call back again with an increased pay and package offer!) I knew money couldn’t compensate for all the things I hated about that line of work and I knew I’d never do it again.

This left me with retail work; so I threw myself headlong into making it a proper career and, in a roundabout way, worked my way onto a management training programme with a large supermarket chain. To cut a very long story short, I stood up against practices that were going on there and continued to do so until the day I walked out. As a result I became the subject of bullying from upper management through to shop floor staff. My job was made impossible to do; I was constantly being given warnings for trumped up things, staff were allowed to be openly abusive to me without proper discipline (they would be ‘talked to’ privately, but it ‘wasn’t appropriate’ for me to know what had been said), I was given impossible targets to meet and passed over for training opportunities. I was working around 70 hours a week with roughly 20 of those being unpaid; I was exhausted and despite working so hard, still not earning half of what I had been in the last office job. I walked out after two and a half years of this, having spent 20 minutes trying not to cry in the locker room, then bursting into tears again at the mere thought of going out to work in amongst ‘my team’ on the shop floor.

When I walked out of there, I knew I’d never work in retail as a career move, ever again. So that was my two lines of work exhausted. I’d left school at 16 so barely had any qualifications and at 39 (2 months from my 40th), was looking at starting from scratch in working out what the hell I wanted to be when I grew up. Despite negotiation attempts the debts had now spiralled completely out of control, to the point I couldn’t bring myself to open the letters any more.

All the years I’d been bouncing around the workplace, thinking I’d found the perfect job this time then swiftly becoming disillusioned, I was vaguely aware of the Universe trying to tell me something…...by the time I walked out of the supermarket a whisper had become a shout. Not like the booming voice of God, accompanied by parting clouds and pointing finger, but my overall experiences in these two career paths had been increasingly bad and depleting to me on all levels (even financial!). This was not what I should be doing. But I was damned if I knew what I should do now. Although in the lead up to me leaving the supermarket I’d been saying affirmations for the right path to open up for me, at the point of leaving I had become so caught up in the emotion and depression and exhaustion that I’d completely forgotten to actively practice any spiritual work at all….I worked, cried, slept and ate.

Despite everything, when I walked out of that place I still knew that I had been right to take the stand I did and was determined to continue to do so, somehow. My initial thought was to try some kind of Whistleblower type act with the media, but knew the way the company managed to PR their way out of that type of scandal, so in a fit of rage and spite, I decided if I couldn’t change it from the inside, I’d damned well put myself in a position where I could change it from the outside. Due to the nature of the issue, this meant becoming an Environmental Health Officer.

So I investigated and discovered you need an accredited degree, with a further set of exams with the Chartered Institute of Environmental Health and a minimum of 12 months work experience, 6 months of which must be with a local council….when you’ve done that, you’re qualified; we’re talking around 5 years.

At this point the first doubt kicked in…..I’m already financially crippled and I’m looking at trying to become a full time student, having been out of the system for 24 years and with insufficient qualifications to even get accepted onto a degree course anyway. And it’s for five years. It didn’t matter though; another part of me was really excited about the idea of doing this. Already it wasn’t really about that supermarket anymore, it was about the wider issues within food retail that their behaviour represents. Food is something I’m passionate about, on every level from growth and culture through transport, sale, packing, cooking….everything we do with food matters, it has an effect on us, and some things are done to food that are shocking. It angers me how much is driven by profit and how manipulated people are as consumers.

Anyway, I picked up the phone and called an amazingly helpful free UK service, called Learn Direct, explained my situation and what I wanted to do and was told it as perfectly feasible, I could do a Foundation Year (which would then make the 5 years until qualification into 6 years), and I could apply for funding for fees and some living expenses. The supremely nice lady (who unknowingly changed my life forever with this information and her kind encouragement) then gave me the address and telephone numbers for places I could apply to do this Foundation Year and for further information. The first one I called had an open interview/application day two days later. I went down, took the tests, did the interview and bingo! I was on the first level of a degree course.

I couldn’t believe it; it was that simple. I felt, and still feel, like I have been given the biggest, most golden, incredible opportunity. I know without doubt that this is what I’m meant to be doing; this degree, this learning, this experience…...I swear to god, every single day I delight in the fact the I’m doing this, it’s so exciting (even the scary bits like giving presentations). I feel totally fulfilled by doing this.

I don’t use the word ‘totally’ in a light fashion; when I told my husband that I wanted to do this, he told me we couldn’t afford it and he didn’t want me to do it. 18 years ago an ex-husband had told me the same thing when I’d told him I was interested in studying law. Perhaps that time and that choice weren’t the right ones because without his backing I gave up on the idea. This time, for one brief second I considered it and in that moment felt my heart turn black and cave in on itself; this time I wasn’t prepared to give up on it. I knew, even if it cost me my marriage, that I was going to do this. My husband has admitted to me, as I’d suspected, that he’s afraid that I will qualify and want someone different to him; that’s why he doesn’t want me to go.

We have had a turbulent marriage; he has only been sober for the last two years of it. He is determined to remain so. He doesn’t believe me when I say I want this for our future, and the more he doesn’t believe me, and the more he withdraws to protect himself from my ‘inevitable’ leaving him, the more hollow my reassurances become. I’m not sure anymore, whether we will make it to my graduation or beyond. We argue a lot and have very poor communication most of the time; he’s also not terribly honest with himself or about his feelings, which makes it really difficult to work through any issues together.

On the other hand, despite his reservations, he’s very supportive in a practical sense; he takes the bulk of the financial responsibility for both of us and my son; he gives me plenty of space to study quietly and provides copious quantities of tea and snacks; he does his fair share of laundry and cleaning and shopping.

Sounds like a dream doesn’t it? Except there’s no emotional connection there; if I go to him for a cuddle he will put his arms round me, stare over my head into the middle distance for a short period, then pat my back two or three times and firmly push me back at arms’ length, whilst turning away. He listens to me but he doesn’t engage with me; like, he gives me a space of time and hears me out, then says, “Oh dear” or “That’s funny” or something of that nature, then return his attention to his PS3. I really, honestly can’t remember the last time we made love. It almost feeling embarrassing to touch him intimately; it’s certainly uncomfortable. It’s as if he’s cut off from me in preparation for me leaving, but by doing that he’s making it more likely to happen.

I’ve tried in a million different ways to tell and show him this; still we can’t seem to reconnect. I love him and I know he loves me; I’m not sure what type of love it is though and I’m experienced enough to know that love isn’t always enough to hold a relationship together. I’m letting it be; we’re learning to rub along in a civilised fashion and although it’s empty it’s not unpleasant. I see no need to force a decision about the situation at the moment, but it does sadden me that there’s a sense of inevitable doom around it right now.

Given the fact my life seems to be collapsing around my ears, it would be easy to suppose I might be struggling a bit emotionally and yet I find myself in a very happy place. Inside me is a sense of pride, purpose, direction, determination, peace, serenity, excitement; it’s there at the very core of my being and it’s there because I’m doing the right thing for me. This thing that fulfils me and opens doors to untold adventures and possibilities…..education…..to me it’s worth whatever price it demands. It’s what will give me the ultimate freedom of being true to myself and fulfilling my potential. Even when I do feel miserable or weighed down, I still have the inside part of me hugging the gratitude and wonder I feel about being given this awesome opportunity. For the first time in my life I have a future of my own to look forward to.

Here’s the long term goal; To be debt free (apart from normal stuff like mortgage) and to have a cottage in a village near York with a little land for growing food and keeping some hens, ducks, a couple of pigs, a goat and a donkey.

Here’s the plan:
Complete Foundation Year

Personal Target 1: Achieve minimum 85% score on assignments

Personal Target 2: Achieve 100% for at least 3 assignments

Year One
Apply to home city council for summer work experience in dept.
Alt. Work with charity related to environmental health (eg. Water Aid) during summer.
Personal Target 1: Improve last year’s end of year % (exams + assignments) up to 90%
Personal Target 2: Have all major assignments, where feasible, handed in 2 weeks before deadline.

Year Two
Apply to York council for summer work, with weight of previous experience behind application.
Alt. Find work experience with some other related agency within York (eg. water authority, recycling)
Personal Target 1: Pass driving test
others to be decided.

Year Three
Work experience year;
Ist choice York council
2nd choice home city council
3rd choice any other council that will have me, even if I have to live away during the week.
Personal Targets to be decided.

Year Four
Final Year
There’s a whole heap of scary stuff required this year like research papers and reports as well as final year exams. But I’m confident I’ll be able to deal with it when the time comes.
Personal Target: Qualify with First Class Honours

From then on I hope to be able to be taken on permanently at York and to be able to progress up the career ladder, possibly moving slightly away from Environmental Health towards research, or specialising more, possibly going into private consultancy…..the point is it’s a proper path, with proper pay that will give me a proper future that moves me towards my goal. I believe I will get there; to the very fibre of my soul I believe it. No matter how difficult it gets, and last winter was extremely difficult, I know I’ll find a way through. Ways have a habit of opening up; unexpected gifts, awards, jobs, keep coming my way. When I get there, no matter who is still with me or whatever I have left behind, things will be how they should be.

My future home, my Real Home that I’ve dreamed of for as long as I can recall is my motivation. It makes me smile even when I’m scared and lonely; nothing can touch it, shake it or move it…..although I’ll grant it bends sometimes….but I have a certainty that everything that Real Home represents in terms of peace, comfort, love, cosiness, belonging and contentment will be mine :-)
x

....more as a reminder to myself to keep on top of everything than anything else.

Lessons learned from last year’s mistakes:

I must write up my notes every day so that I don’t end up trying to revise from scribbly scraps of paper

Do not wait until deadlines are looming before I get cracking with assignments; it always takes about twice as long as I’ve estimated

Not to spend too much time struggling with something that I’m just not getting; leave it and come back to it later or get help. Don’t use up all the time on that when I could be actually achieving something with another subject or assignment.

And my personal challenge for this year is to increase my last year’s overall % grade from 87% up to 90%.
x

At the grand old age of 40 I’ve finally got myself into university and the only way to get the First I want so much is to stop waiting until deadlines are looming before I knuckle down. I guess this ties in with the ‘stop procrastinating’ goal!