Be thoughtful of others but true to myself

I tend to sabotage myself for the sake of others… and I need to fix that balance. Even though, at the moment, I happily do these things, but later, I feel like a tool and get angry about it.
I do it in vain… not so much because I want to help that person, I just want people to think I’m humble.
They do… but I come off as a push-over.

i believe with everything i have and know that the love you take is equal to the love you make, but sometimes i feel like i am giving less to others because my personal demands have become exponentially greater.

i have these personal barriers – financial issues, health issues, etc… and these effectively keep me from helping others or doing as much good as i believe i should or could reasonably do.

so how do i get past this? in order to help others, technically, i need to be at least functional myself. but working for the man, spending more money to eat right, and taking personal days sometimes make me feel as though i am fighting an uphill battle against myself, and in that lurch, not really helping anyone else at all.

i like to volunteer my time, to give without receiving, to love willingly…

how can i do this and not starve?

where does maintaining my existence, contributing to the economy, and keeping doctors in business reasonably end, and self-indulgence begin?

yes, you are such a wonderful person if you can manage to be thoughtful of others, yet true to yourself. no one so far, as far as i lived in this world, were such a wonderful person.. or if there’s any, i would like to know them! really. i need to learn many things from these people

And I am grateful for all the people in it, but I’m the only one who I have to like at the end of the day.

“Let your gentlenss be evident to all that God is near.”

What is it exactly about getting emotionaly healthy that draws the imbalanced people? You’d think it would be repellant, apparently, not so much.

The saga of my accidental renters is nearing an end. Perhaps when I’m not so exhausted by the whole experience of the last 24 hours, I’ll be capable of writing in detail what happened.

Suffice it to say, the female half (who I’m not a fan of) got into a literal screaming match with my mom. The male half (who I am friends with) called me at work (like I can do a friggin thing about it from work for pete’s sake) to tell me about said screaming match. The day culminated in me firmly requesting that they find a place to be within the next 24 to 48 hours.

I have made every possible effort to be gentle and kind in the face of snarky behavior from her for the better part of two months. It hasn’t helped that I’ve been trying to cope with two devastating losses stacked on top of each other, but I thought I was doing relatively well.

Yesterday was so disturbingly similar to my daily existence when I was married that I finally just drew a line and told them to go.

The scripture that leaps to mind however, is “let your gentleness be evident to all that God is near.” Gentleness. I have been in the same life situation where she is. I know that upheaval and uncertainty which pervasively eats away at any possible sense of well being. And while I may have been there for a time, and I know what it’s like to have struggles, I certainly don’t have to live with it. Besides, what kind of crack are you smoking picking a fight with my mom??

bah. anyway. I lived this goal yesteray.

um…... what was supposed to be a few weeks has turned into a few months, and I’m having issues.

they’re not such a bad thing.

I am learning that having my needs met is the most important thing, and that I am the only one who can truly meet them. I’ve given away too much of me to friends and men, and don’t give ME enough. That is what I’m working on. Is it truly a balancing act.