stop being a people pleaser

Since I’m not around my old friends as much, I can’t actually be a people pleaser. And since I’ve gotten to college, I have so much independence. I’ve met a lot of new people, and I don’t let them take advantage of me. Yet they still think I’m a kind and laid-back person, and that matters a lot to me. I’m glad they think that. And they don’t have to know that I used to be a doormat.

Apparently J, K, T, and L send random little texts to each other and stay in touch. Just little notes like, “I miss you” or “I wish you were here.” I don’t get any of those. I send some, but no response. Why is it just me?

It just bothers me. Like they don’t care. Like I don’t matter as much. I don’t understand it.

And then thank god for B, because she cheers me up. She’s always good to talk to, and she constantly tells me I’m one of the kindest, sweetest people she knows. That makes me feel like I matter.

I just really want to go to college, forget JKTL for a while and then maybe they’ll miss me. Maybe then they’ll appreciate me. And maybe I’ll make some better friends in the meantime.

I did. The response?

“Oh my god it was sooooo fun. Kara and I kayaked to Canada and back, and then we went swimming, and I tried to learn how to dive, and then L’s dad took us out on the boat and we saw a couple Uncle Sam Tour Boats…

Oh and yeah when I told them why you left, they were kind of like, ‘Oh, that’s why? I thought she had an appointment or something. Really, THAT’S what she HAD to do? Wow, that’s surprising since I thought she’d want to see us if we’re leaving…’

Oh yeah J wants to have us at Tin Pan for her birthday.”

THAT WAS MY FREAKING IDEA!!! SHE COPIED IT!!!! UGH!!!!

Friends are fickle. I want out.

So I spent the whole day with KTJL right? Like from 7:30 am to 9:30 pm. The plan was to have a little sleepover too. But the sleepover was out of town at L’s cottage, and I needed to be in town the next day by noon.

Well, on the way to the cottage, we stopped in town, so I decided just to get dropped off there so no one would need to give me a ride in the morning. I thought it was the easy plan. And I thought it was good for me since I was not doing what they wanted for once.

But then I hear later that they were bummed when they found out the actual reason I left. Which, now that I think of it, I guess the reason I didn’t go was to please a few other people that I wanted to meet at noon. Ugh! I can’t win!

Like I wanted to go to both, so I had to make a little compromise, right?

Ugh…

The four of us are tight. Or should be. T and i have been bffs for six years or so. We’ve always been friends with K and J, and we’ve become a little foursome.

Well J had this idea to get matching tattoos. Only problem was, she never asked me. Just T and K. Now, I know that to J, T and K come before me. They just do. They’re both closer to her than I am. But she couldn’t have at least asked? I mean, I would’ve asked her. Like why would they leave me out of it…

Whatever.

Do you know how many people tell me that I should keep my distance? That I deserve better and that you don’t treat me like a best friend?

You’d be surprised.

Actually, that’s an understatement. You have no idea what’s going on with me because I’m not as open as most people are. It’s nothing personal, it’s just the way I am. And now I’ve bottled up all these negative emotions over the past year or so, and I’ve just about had it. One of these days, I just want to stop talking for like a week. Even just a day. Maybe then you’d realize how much of a friend I was to you and how things have changed. Or maybe not. Maybe you’ll just respond with your usual attitude (sarcasm, self-absorbedness, negativity) and rub it in my face that you have other plans. Whatever. I guess that’s your life now. But I’m not going to let it ruin mine forever.

I dont know how I will do this just yet. Maybe I’ll write you a letter. Maybe I’ll ask to talk. Maybe I’ll bring it up out of the blue. Maybe I’ll just stay distant and if you notice, we’ll talk. Maybe I’ll go away to college for three months and see what that’s like. Whatever happens, things won’t stay this way for long I hope.

I hate when they’re like this.

T gave me major attitude today. For no reason. While I was going out of my way to give her multiple rides. I don’t understand what her problem is.

I can’t stand J anymore. I don’t like who she has become. She ignores me still, sticks to T still. She just doesn’t care. I don’t like her attitude. I don’t like how she is superficial and materialistic. I don’t like how she’s self-centered. I don’t like how she tries to get in with the popular crowd.

But I still love K. I tend to drift towards her when the four of us are together. She’s mostly just positive, funny, and she still cares about me. She doesn’t ignore me and she doesn’t criticize me. She’s considerate.

And today for the first time, L kind of bothered me. I’m not sure why. She just seemed to be annoyed by me for no reason. I don’t know. Hopefully it’s nothing.

I don’t know exactly how to explain my problem… I just always have to be nice to people and make sure nobody dislikes me. I guess I do it so that if I ever need them down the road, I can always go to them and ask a favor. But I hate being the slightest bit fake, and it seems wrong not to say what I really feel.

It’s very stressful trying to not step on anybody’s toes while walking on eggshells around them.

Preferrably some ones that don’t take advantage of me, who don’t treat me like I’m invisible, who appreciate what I do, who value me, who respect me, who care.

Sometimes T has her moments. She gets sick of one “best friend” so turns to whoever is not annoying her at the moment. Well, I guess it’s my turn again.

I let her give me attitude. I let her stop all over me. She gives me b.s. and I take it. And it makes me want to hate her.

GOD I can’t wait to get out of here. Hours away. A whole new start. I can make lots of friends, and meet lots of guys. And she’ll be miserable here in this little town. She might even realize how badly she’s treated me in the past. Maybe if she hadn’t, we would’ve gone to college together. To bad she’s not much of a best friend. She’ll miss me terribly, I know…but when I come back she’ll treat me like dirt all over again. Unless I don’t let her.