Develop a tough skin without sacrificing my humanity...

There’s a songwriter, female, who’s really cute, as well as really talented at writing & singing. Unfortunately, she can’t play an instrument. Until recently, it hasn’t been a huge handicap for her because as I said – REALLY cute & talented.

She and I hit it off at first, and because of that, hubby did some work with her, helping her write a couple of chord sheets for her last demo CD. I helped her with some things, too, but my day job limits the amount of time that I have to give, and so she’s begun to focusing more & more of her requests on hubby. Also, I think like most cute women, she’s found it a little easier to get men to do what she wants than it is to convince their wives.
The first thing that bugged me was when I was sick & she called to ask him to sit in with her at a gig. He told her he needed to stay home to take care of me & she responded with, “It’s so cute the way you two are joined at the hip.” It’s not true, but if it had been, it sure would’ve been a good way to drive a wedge between us.

The next thing – she asked him to put memory into her computer. He sent her to Best Buy.

Then – would HE want to be in her band? He told her WE would like to play with her sometime, but were too busy with our own thing to take on something new.

Tonight it’s – would HE be interested in co-writing with her? His answer is, “I’m not even going to return her call. When we see her out we’ll tell her that it might be nice for US to work with her sometime.”

I trust hubby. He doesn’t have a huge ego, so he’s taking it all in stride. However, I don’t trust her, and the way this business works, nothing would ACTUALLY have to happen between them for it to cause trouble.

EVen so, I’m new to this business. It’s tough for me to figure out how to handle this sort of thing, so it seems like the best thing is to follow hubby’s lead…

I asked a question & boss said, “Good question, L…” After he’d answered it, QB spoke up & said, “That seems rather obvious.” She didn’t seem to realize or care that in her rush to marginalize me, she also put the boss down. One of the other girls in our clique just rolled her eyes when QB said it. I almost laughed out loud.

with QB & a friend… QB began putting down my taste in shoes. Each time, I called attention to it. “Really You don’t like these? I think they’d be really cute with jeans. You don’t like them?!? Why not?” – that sort of thing, a bit louder than my usual speaking voice. It didn’t take her long to stop when she realized others were watching, and she wasn’t getting by with her usual hit & run tactics.

After, we went for drinks with other friends. Several cocktails in, QB bragged of several of her under-handed plots, including one that caused serious professional problems for the boss’s wife. She didn’t have the guts to admit it outright, of course, but the way she told the story (with herself at the center of events) made it clear that SHE was the one who caused it.

I consider it a strong reminder of what she’s capable of & how little it means to be called her friend. The plus side is if you get her drunk in the right company, she can’t resist tipping her hand.

It’s interesting how the universe seems to deliver just what I need to hear when I need to hear it.

The day after I decided that I would BY GAWD write a song that “those men” would HAVE TO get, I got an e-newsletter from Susan Tucker who is in the business of teaching songwriters how to write & has helped trained a lot of the more successful songwriters in the Nashville market.

This week’s lead article, “They Don’t Get Me,” basically confirmed that I have two choices. I can gripe about how they don’t get me & decide to do my own thing, or I can try to understand what “they” are telling me & learn to write songs they get. The difference in those two is the difference in art & business.

So I’m not the ONLY writer who has ever felt like “they” don’t get me. Duh, I know, right? But I was so blinded by ego that I didn’t see for the longest time.

In retrospect, I can’t believe HOW blind I was & how hard it is for me to accept criticism about my lyrics. I guess that’s because writing is so personal to me, but still, I feel like an egotistical fool…
sigh

I’m FAR from having the thick skin I need, but I’ve been reluctantly dragged through another lesson. Sooner, or later, it WILL sink in…
:)

This latest one began with the mean girls, moved to music critics, and today ALMOST went back to the mean girls again. Thankfully I caught myself before it went too far.

Queen Bee was attacking another woman in our meeting, and I felt the resentment start to build. As I stared at the back of her head, I realized that she’d forgotten to run her flat iron through the back of her hair. From the front, she looked perfectly put together, but in the back, there was a big gaping mess. Ok, so it’s a little messed up that it gave me so much pleasure, but I figure it’s better than spending my energy getting angry.

A subordinate was trying to undermine me in front of my team with a slew of Catch 22 questions and subtle putdowns. I answered the first question, then immediately caught myself. When he pressed me for a decision, I told him, “I’m going back to my office. I want to think about this before I make a decision. I’ll let you know what I decide.”

Maybe another trick of being thick-skinned is being able to listen to suggestions & criticism, and then step back & make my own decisions.

Another kindergarten concept that I finally learned in my 40’s…

It seems another clique has formed, this one with “the girl they hate” as QB over a pack of women I wouldn’t have as friends if they were the last women on earth.

I tried not to participate in either clique, but quickly realized that being caught between Thing 1 & Thing 2 was the FASTEST way to get trampled.

Yesterday, as the tornadoes flew over our building & all the problems in my life were huddled in opposite corners of the basement, I realized that I am tired of being in the middle.

In one corner was Thing 1, a group of manipulative, and occasionally mean-spirited women who are otherwise intelligent, accomplished, attractive, and interesting. In the other was Thing 2, a group of equally manipulative and mean-spirited women who are otherwise hapless victims of everyone & everything around them.

While I don’t like Thing 1’s attempts to control through the threat of social ostracization, I like Thing 2’s attempts to control through subtle humiliation even less.

While Thing 1 might occasionally shut me out for not conforming, Thing 2 would subtly attack my self-esteem every single day.

And so, after all this drama, I have chosen to realign myself with the ORIGINAL mean girls.

They welcomed me back with open arms, at least on the surface. Of course, I can’t afford to be blind to their ambitions & maneuvers, but at least I’ll enjoy their company in the meantime.

Thing 2 will certainly attack, so I should be getting lots of practice at being thick-skinned.

I bought Robert Greene’s book, The 33 Strategies of War for the Kindell iPhone app, and have been reading it when I’m waiting in line, at the gym, or whatever. It’s been a great help as I go through all the stuff with the mean girls. There’s no magic formula for dealing with bullies in it, but has helped bolster my confidence and help me to mobilize my own offensive, which in this case was truly the best defense. I wasn’t content to sit back & wait for Queen Bee to attack my work & reputation, as she has so many others before me.

I did it with my integrity intact, but that part wasn’t easy…

Yesterday they “caught” me in a private meeting with a woman they don’t like. We were WORKING, but enjoying ourselves, so naturally, I had to be punished.

Today, one of the other ladies in the clique (the NOT mean one) had a birthday. My punishment was being totally left out of the planning after I had asked what we were going to do for her… One of the mean ones said she was going to buy her some balloons & the other said she was baking a cake… When I asked what I should do, they shrugged & said, “You can get a card.”

So I bought her a card, actually FIVE cards, because they were all so funny & she’s been taking a beating at work lately. I also bought her a squishy purple worm that looks sort of like the “Koosh” balls, except that it’s all penis-shaped & has flashing LEDs inside. When you shake it, it lights up. Yes, it’s a stupid gift, but the woman needs to laugh!

This morning, I went by the other girls’ offices to see if they wanted to sign the card. They said they had already given her a card & shot me a smirk, but I didn’t care. I didn’t buy the cards for them anyway…

The birthday girl squealed with delight, which totally made my day!
She hung all of the cards on her wall & carried the worm around with her all day. She came by my cube several times to share stories of how she’d been torturing the poor guys in the shop with it, asking if they wanted to touch it, hold it, shake it, etc. It really brightened her day.

When the other girls heard about the worm & saw the cards, they magically warmed up to me again. All is well now, or so they think… Actually, I’m going to exact my revenge by writing a song about them.

Meanwhile, it’s good to know that I have one real friend in this pack of Alpha she-wolves…

but hopefully I’ll figure it out as I go along…