be happy with myself, by myself, for myself

sometimes i feel down and hate my self.
but i realize now , it’s not right.
u dont have to be someone else, or u must not be jealous with another people.
its ok if ur not perfect or lack of somthin.
be grateful to God for what i have, for who i am.

i am doing this!!

I find myself on an emotional rollercoaster! I know it is because of the environmant I live in. Its a typical suburb home, whatever. But with the many many dramatic events that have happened through out my time of living, I don’t know what I am doing here. I am mixed up. I don’t know what I want for myself, because I really can’t decide for myself. My dad is a great man. But I have to live through him in a way, he decides everything I do. I have my freedoms, but it is used against me! And with his ex living in this house(she was hella cool at first then turned into thee most complaintive person I have everrrrr met! and she is an alcoholic meaning she will be happy for the time she has her drink, crash then its bitch time.) Huhhh. Then there is my brother, he is awsome i love him! and his girlfriend, she is great to. But that is the problem, she is great. They don’t really compare me to her… but she gets all the good attension. I feel like I am degraded every time my dad says she is beautiful and should be a model and never says it to me. He doesn’t even know it. Honestly, she is pretty. But I was pretty before she came into the picture. I don’t let this get in the way, I keep it to myself, this would be the first time I ever say anything about it. I feel I can’t really talk to anyone about anything. I have a great boyfriend, but I don’t see him as much as I would like to, he makes me feel great and beautiful and I love to make him feel great and all I want to do is be with him. We haven’t said “I love you” yet, it hasn’t been long since we have been together. We had sex already but its because I know he has strong feelings, I feel like I am falling in love and I am waiting for the right time to say so. Then there are my sisters and brother I can talk to about anything for the most part but I can’t bring myself to go to them. I can’t really go to my lil sis and my big sisters live a ways from here so yea. And phones aren’t really an option I guess. Then my cousin shane, he is my other half. But recently we haven’t been able to talk and thats normally how I figure things out, is with him. I have been in some trouble, as well as he, so we haven’t been around eachother much for the last few hectic weeks. Ever since we moved into this house shit has gotten out of my control. I miss my mom dearly, she lives close but transportation is an issues and time. I want to be there for my little sis who is living with her other dad. She has been getting into typical trouble 13 yr old girls get into, but more on the emo side I guess. I wish I could kick her little trouble-making friends in the face but that wouldn’t do too much good. She needs an influence. I have many stresses beyond what I can type up. I don’t know how to deal with them. I want to change myself for me AND others. Everything I do is not enough, and believe please, when I say that I fucking try hard. I am just sooooo sick of being me. I want to up my image, I am a down-to-earth hardcore gangster rocker skater girly girl so I don’t have a typical role to follow. I believe in individuality and I like to believe that I am unique but I know others have thought and done what I have greater or poorer. I don’t have much money, I am looking for a job in this f*ed up economy. I can’t drive yet but I am working that out. I guess I am looking for an answer… to what? I don’t know. I don’t know much of anything. I feel alone in so many ways. I am lost at what to do. I am in homeschool and I don’t have a main schedual or anything. I hate the word “stucture.” I am a free bird. I am one to live life to the fullest day by day, but with all the stress and major depression not many know about because I choose to hide it, its harder than ever. I don’t know what to do in life, like a career. I love to dance, sing, act, model, play music, fashion stuff, artsy stuff blah blah. I love it all, aswell as athletics. But I don’t have much oppertunity with money, seein as how you have to have money to do anything these days. My heart is set on dancing and music. I love performing arts. I don’t know what to do with it or do about it. I practice when I can and what I can whenever I feel the need, but I know it won’t get me anywhere. I am all mixed up. I need a way of sorting things out, and I know what people will say….... you have to figure it out yourself. Well i for one am tired of thinking about all of it every damn day of my life. I can’t shut my mind up. I can’t fall asleep for an hour when I lay down. I have the thought that I might be bi-polar.. or really freakin stressed. I hate not having solid answers to all these problems with more than one possiblity of an answer. Does anyone feel me on this? I feel like I don’t know myself anymore. I always want to recreate myself. better worded-Improve myself. I don’t love me and thats part of the problem. I want to know how I get up to my expectations, another problem is high expectations. At times ive lived with none, just a rebellious- not caring girl. But like I said I am a rollercoaster, my life is. How do I contorl how I feel, what I do and what I think and say? How do I find myself threw this mess of lies, cheating, and stress brought apon me?

I realize that I am never happy with myself. I am always comparing me to my sisters because my mom does. She makes me feel idaquate therefore I am never pleased with myself. That’s probably what started the cutting. I want to stop. So i need to be happy with my self.

...

I am sure many people find this, that their own happiness always seems to be dependent on other people’s actions, thoughts, feelings etc. I want to be able to be happy when I am NOT in a relationship and when I am on my own ALONE sometimes. Let’s see how this goes, I am not sure where to start or how to go about it…..

i wish i just wanted to be me.

AMENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!

im over being sad all the time, it really sucks, i wanna enjoy life while i can. enjoy the time i have with the people i love.
starting NOW..

p.s i hope this lasts!

Very rarely something will happen to me where I can see from the outside that I am or have created something totally unique to me. When I am singing one of my new songs or putting up a piece of work in uni for a critique I get sooooo nervous. But in these thing I put my whole heart and soul into them , my beliefs, my love, my feelings. I am scared of putting them out there BUT I also know that that is one of things that will attract people to me because I am being myself. Yes it’s scary – but rewarding. Even sometimes I will regret putting out such a personal part of myself but what I love is that passion inside me being there. That is a part of me I like no matter what anyone thinks. Wish I could feel like this about more things in my life – how I look, what people think of me. If I can accept the creative part of myself – why not the rest of me?

I spend SO much time worrying about what other people are thinking about what I say, what I do, how I spend my time…etc. It’s exhausting. I wish I could have confidence in who I am and what I’m doing and stop worrying so much about what others think of me.