live big

As beautiful as these cool early mornings can be, and how the sun still has heat from the remains of August, there is no avoiding that spring and summer have come to an end. I think it’s a glorious aromatic colorful bang to leave us with, but there is no doubt that seeing the leaves start to change reminds me of time passing much too quickly.
I want to hold on to just one more hot summer night. Summer nights have an endless sense to them though they are the some of the shortest. The evenings are inviting and the stars are practically taunting me to try to stay up as long as they do.
Now I wake up just as sleepy as the moon which is still in the very early morning sky. My cat curls much closer to my leg. And my day seems to start much slower. The usual things like brushing my teeth just seem to take longer and I always seem to be running late. It’s as if I am forced to slow down.
So I will try to welcome this slowing process as much as I will miss the energy and wakefulness of the spring and summer.

I looked out my front door on Saturday and saw one little yellow crocus gazing back up at me from underneath the freshly stewn mulch and I was instantly mesmerized by her bright almost orange surprise of color. So easy to miss because all I have to do to get my mail is open my door and reach my arm out and around the corner to my mailbox that is attached to the siding.
I smiled and the constant bills did not seem so worrisome anymore. That tiny blast of color stayed with me all day on Saturday.
Sunday, I bought tulips that were still tightly snug in their green blooms with just a hint of red at the tips telling me what surprises lay ahead. I picked them up for my Mom since I was going to miss Easter next weekend. When I got to her house, I grabbed the tulips out of the back seat of the car and was taken aback by their heavy sweet scent; I could practically taste sugar. But they weren’t even close to blooming. I was in awe as I had not noticed anything on the ride up and my car windows had remained closed. I hugged my Mom and said- WOW! these are so strong smelling and they have not even opened to bloom yet. She sniffed, looked at me a bit oddly and we just started babbling about nothing, just so happy to see each other. I went back out to the car and was again instantly hit with the overwhelmingly sweet scent of blooms. I looked around her backyard and only saw the remnants of March rains, the ground wet and still a bit gray. But then I looked up and a bit closer. And I saw all the teeny perfect buds forming on the tips of the tree branches. And I realized that this is also the smell of the ground warming to Spring, absolutely everything was first announcing it’s arrival with a scent. Colorful heady sweet vibrant intoxicating and alive. And yet barely a glint of spring color for the eyes. An appetizer, an amusement for the senses.

I felt pretty darn HUGE and PROUD of myself yesterday (and not after all the eating and drinking and merriment!) BEFORE going into my New Year’s Eve house party.
-I called my closest girlfriend from H.S. (note: I am in the midst of my 30’s) that has been so good about sending Christmas cards and occasional e-mails that I have left completely UNANSWERED and not acknowledged for …ooooo…many MANY years. In fact, the last 5 years I never responded to any communiques.
-I called my friend from down South that got married about two years ago and whose wedding I ignored for my own bizarre issues. I left her a voice mail last night wishing her and her husband only the best for 2007. I meant it.
-I called my college roommate not only whose wedding, but first-born event, I “missed” this past summer.
So I did it. I felt so nervous. Like I was calling an ex-boyfriend. My heart was racing and I was excited and apprehensive and just really jittery. What if they yelled at me???
I went to leave a message on my closest high-school gf’s voice mail and my cell phone beeped and she was calling instantly back at the same time. She exclaimed: Oh. My. God! I cannot stop thinking about you. I am so happy you called.

And she launched into how much her life has changed and that she is now expecting her fourth child. Not happy with this as she thought she was finished and she told me: You know, I’ve just been hating my life lately. Just wanted nothing of where it was heading and going and was angry and MAD and I really wanted to just give it all up. Seriously REALLY give up.

I wanted to reach through the phone and HUG her so hard. Her voice was a bit out of breath as she just talked and talked and talked about all the upheaval she is experienceing w her job and family and potential career change and now this 4th baby. This was all within the first 3 minutes of my call…and I said, WHOA THERE! Let me first say CONGRATULATIONS to you on the new one. This IS a happy occasion, afterall. She responded: You know, the last week I did not think so. I wanted it all to be over. I wanted this to end. I wanted this life to end. I had it. Absolutely had it.

I kinda laughed- not uncomfortably- just tried to lighten up those HEAVY HITTING words and she said: And now I think- Goodness- all those people that actually follow up on their actions and want to end it, and here I am, a week later, and I think how much has already changed. I have so much more coming at me and it might even be okay. I am actually looking forward to it.
At that point, I was just hearing her voice and thinking it sounded sorta like my friend but was a bit mroe ….strained and thin. But still strong and fast. And I said- I am so happy I called you. And I am so happy for you. I will keep in touch. But I gotta run in to my party- SO HAPPY NEW YEAR! And she laughed and said- Super, let’s meet, too, ok?

1. Covers up mistakes and adds color
2. As defined by Wikipedia: Usually too small to be eaten individually and are in any case not intended to be eaten by themselves. Note to self: always share.
3. The brits call them: hundreds-and-thousands. So do they order vanilla ice cream with hundreds-and-thousands or hundreds-and-thousands with vanilla ice cream?
4. Easy to apply generously.
5. In the fashion of 43things leading to 43people and 43places and and and and and, sprinkles led me to Fairy Bread: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fairy_bread. Can’t wait to get to Australia and take a BITE.
6.Come in all different shapes, sizes and colors.

That’s the shape I want to be in-side…
I reach for chocolate when I am happy and with my loved ones and pretend to share (the offer is there, but BE quick with your spoon!): chocolate fondue and pot-de-creme and mousse and petit fours and exciting fireworks of celebratory sprinkles. When I am desperate for an energy rush: any chocolate bite will do and I BOUNCE back to my dynamic self. As a source of comfort: a huge swimmable bowl of peppermint tea and mouthfuls of melty sweet chocolate and I float up up up and away to a soft landing on top of my very own sugar-puff cloud. I will never give up chocolate. And, the pressure never ceases to stay slim.
So, I will purposefully fatten up my SOUL. No negative physical side effects like high blood pressure or the tell-tale chocolate tire (GASP!). Only increase my heart rate with the happy fattening soulful stuff like real beautiful love. I want my breath to be taken away by all the unknowns that are are never-ending and around every corner.
Hello 2007! Welcome. I look forward to relishing every morsel…..with chocolate sprinkles.