have a closer relationship with my partner

right now, i feel nothing but

blank
frustration
depressed
anger
rage
blank
despair
done

we are in a bad place, draped in good.
we are not real. we are not getting closer.
blargh

roller coaster days lately. i feel a sense of doom that i cannot explain, coming from him. i am also struggling with some major upset over marriage-no-marriage right now, as his other brother announced his engagement (and also friends of ours, as well). it’s a very painful subject for us both, with no real resolution at all. difficult difficult weight on us both.

things that are positive (before i get all depressed writing about this stuff):

1) we are doing finances as a team more lately – discussing budgets, putting my taxes on his taxes as a dependent, sharing concern over savings, and me planning on canceling my large credit card and giving up my last safety net (should we ever break up).

2) i sorted out putting tv shows on my ipod, so i watch things for sleeping without bugging him. this is a good solution for us both, and he seems pretty pleased with that.

3) working on sleeping in the same bed more often. i have stayed up a bit the past few nights, but have always gone to the bed instead of sleeping on the couch. the ipod solution has really added to the success of this.

4) i’ve been open about my diet plans and efforts with him, and he has actually expressed a kind of interest. i know he is pretty proud of my efforts, but i don’t know whether he thinks i am working hard enough or what.

hopefully the weird vibes will be gone today – OR he talks to me about what is going on. i don’t know. it’s difficult right now.

we had good talks yesterday and sorted shit out.
things = better
i love him – argh i love him so much! ARGH!

i was horrible. there was lots of hurt feelings and desperation and need going on. tears and drama and anger.

please let this be okay with us!

things that we keep banging our head against:
- sleep arrangements
- hubby preferring partying over hanging at home with me
- communication
- sex life

le sigh. grrrrr.

we had a big fight yesterday over blogs and friends, but it ended totally fine and with cathartic release. i guess that over the years, we’ve learned how to fight with each other? and how to fix things?

i love that we are good at this.