word my value statements as opinions or preferences, not facts

it hurts our feelings when you completely dismiss our ideas and opinions. My opinions are valid opinions to have, and I am tired of you acting as though you have the final decision in what is or is not “acceptable.”

THANKS!

we talked a little in my human sexuality about the difference between value statements and facts, and how common it is to word your values as facts (“Sex before marriage is wrong.” “Tomatoes are gross.” “Fat people are lazy.” ETC.). The lecture really opened my eyes because I think I do word my values as not-values. And we talked about the impact that has on relationships… basically, if you word your values as facts, you’re tricking yourself into thinking that they are facts. Then, whenever someone disagrees with you/has a different value, it’s difficult to compromise because you see yourself as RIGHT and the other person is WRONG. Usually this leads to you making the other person feel, in short, like an idiot.

Another way people sometimes word values is as “commands” or “should” statements. “You shouldn’t smoke” “You should eat more vegetables” etc. Which leads to whoever you’re talking to feeling constantly nagged/criticized, and often makes them feel like they are your slave. Heh-heh.

Anyway, the reason we do that is because values are insecure statements, they usually don’t have any firm backing besides our own rationale, and they aren’t universal. So we try to make them more stable by thinking about them as facts, as things that everyone should know, obviously. Additionally, in short humans generally are selfish and enjoy getting their way… and it is way easier to convince someone that you are right/they should do what you want them to if you tell them it’s a fact or that they should just do it.

SO!

I’ve started noticing it a lot, and honestly I have a lot of friends with different values than mine, and it does hurt my feelings when they act as thought I am crazy/weird/stupid/gross/other for not agreeing with them. Hopefully if I can learn to remember that my values are just my own personal opinions, then those around me will also begin to appreciate this and start considering how they are wording things before they say it.

Or, I’ll just get new friends.

(ha!!!!)