not be so selfish

Im not a selfish person. im selfish in very few ways.
1} when i have nice food like donuts, burgers, chicken sandwhiches etc. i hardly have food that i like so when people ask for some i either say no or have a hard time saying okay.
though in some ways i have to be more selfish. i had a bag of 50 vimto bars the other day and more and more people asked for some, and when one person came, another person would and so on, and i got so frustrated and angry that they were taking them away from me {some people without asking} that i threw them on the floor and walked away. you wouldnt believe how many people legged it oer to get them off the floor. it made me feel sick. half the time i give the majority of my food away and i need to stop that.
2} my parents are ‘family’ people, always wanting to do things together, especially since my sister moved out. we usually camp in a caravan in france every year for 2 weeks. some things you should know about me, i hate france with a passion. i hate french food, the accent, the language {which iv been forced to learn for 5 years} the toilets, the fashions, the people even bug me so to go every year is annoying as hell. especially in caravans where i cant get away from my family who are also rather annoying, no wonder they want to move to france! anyway but this year we’re in a tent.

AAAAAAAA TTTTTTEEEEENNNNNNTTTTT!!!!!! i hate tents more that france. i wont be able to sleep cause i can hear my dad snoring so im gonna be ratty all holiday and you’ll be able to hear the rain and theres going to be condensation, and you have to shower and use bathrooms in a completely different part of the campsite, and theres no privacy, oh my god its going to be horrible ad i keep complaining which is making my parents upset and thats why i have to stop being so selfish, i need to cheer up and even just act like im enjoying myself. its going to be really hard…

I just haven’t been real socialable. There’s a difference between the two if I’m not mistaken.
Shouldn’t it be that the more you do for others, the more will come back to you in the long run? I haven’t found that to be the case for me. For years I’ve always given whatever I could…be it my time, my understanding, my money, whatever…I’ve given when giving was required and when it wasn’t required as well. I give cause that’s what makes me happy to do. I know one shouldn’t expect compensation for good deeds done, but there comes a point when you’ve given all you can give and there is no more to give. To fill the coffers you must have some giving coming your way instead of it going away from you to another. I don’t seem to be getting enough of it coming my way. Or maybe I’m just not seeing the giving that is coming my way as giving… I don’t know.
Here’s the point I’m talking about…I went to see my friends the other day just to say hello cause I was in town and they were home. I hadn’t seen them for awhile…few days…I had a great conversation with her and the younguns at the diningroom table while he was out back talking to another friend of ours. When he came in the house and sat down at the table to eat his supper, he asked me what the hell I was doing there. He didn’t say exactly that, but that is the tone he used…as though I weren’t even supposed to be there. And then as the conversation came to a close and I was fixing to head home, I am asked by him if I would watch their dog this weekend while they all went to Colorado to go camping. I have no qualms about watching the dog. None whatsoever, but I’m thinking a little gratitude on his part would make the situation less stressful for me. Less stressful in that I would feel like I was needed instead of taken advantage of. Every request made by either of them has been fullfilled to the best of my ability whenever they ask, whatever they ask of me. Yet I feel as though I haven’t the same priviledge to make requests of my own. I feel that way because almost all requests made in the past have either been refused or done with the feeling that they were done only because it was required. And this bothers me! I don’t know what to do about it…

I had my third session the other day and Sandra, my psychologist doesn’t seem to understand my problems. She’s given me no clues as to what I can do to make me not think about all I give and all I get in return.
I still have days when I feel as though I’ve given all I have to give. If the coffers were filled every now and again with actions given to me, I wouldn’t feel so down about this. It doesn’t stop me from giving more. Even though somedays I feel there is no more to give..there is always more to give freely. Love is limitless.
It is not that others don’t give of themselves to me. Cause some do. It is that those I give the most to, they seem to give the least to me. That isn’t how friendships are formed and kept for years on end.
I am still working on this goal of being less selfish. I really do think that the more you give, the more you recieve. Even if I don’t see the fruits of that labor as often I would like from a certain few in my life.

“The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let love come in. Love is the only rational act.”
Mitch Albom in Tuesdays With Morrie

Loving is a hard thing to accept and to give. I am sometimes selfish when I do not accept the love offered from those who hold me dear. I do not reciprocate that love with spoken word, nor with active actions. I shut down the heart because the heart is a fragile organ that is easily shattered from abuse. Too many times it has suffered irreparable damage and it is weak these days.
I am in hopes therapy will harden my heart some and help me to not think of it as a broken heart that can’t stand to love becuase it doesn’t have the strength to heal one more time. Better to be alone forever than to take that risk. That is what I have been telling myself and that is what I hope to change with help.

selfish they don’t realize just how selfish they are being. I give to others out of the goodness in my heart and I think that one should do that consistently without thought of receiving anything in return. I also think though that good deeds done WILL be done unto you in due time.
My problem today is that I don’t know how to define just how long my DUE TIME is. Had I written this yesterday, there would of been a lot of swearing that I do more than others do for me. But today I am in a much better frame of mind and I don’t really care how long the time is. I sometimes get tired of giving and giving and giving yet when it comes time for me to do a bit of the taking, there seems to be nothing there for me to take away that leaves me feeling gratitude towards those who I should feel gratitude towards. I give to them my time, my love, my friendship. I give all that is within my power to give. They seldom consciously acknowledge my contributions to this friendship. We all need to know that we have done good. The only way I have found to find that acknowledgement is when someone I have given good to, or done good for, says from thier vocal cords or the tips of their fingers in the form of a note, how much they appreciate my efforts.
I am down about this situation in my life because here of late, I seem to be giving much more than I have ever given before and I feel as though there are those few who I give so much to that don’t really give a shit about me. They care only for the things they gain from me generosity.
I ain’t gonna lose any sleep over it! I can’t change what others feel. I’ll still keep on giving cause you never ever run out of ‘giving’, the supply is always there. I’ll rejoice when the folks who take granted come along and say they’ve been remiss and give to me thier gratitude.

I think if I am grateful for the blessings in my life on a daily basis I will eventually cultivate those things in myself that are of the giving kind moreso than the taking kind.
Every one has to give and to take to balance all things out in their lives.
I can’t say as I did anything totally unself today. I shall work harder on that tomorrow.

I have agreed to let my sister take a bath in my garden tub. The tub is in the house, ain’t like she gets to bathe in the garden! lol Good thing, too, cause it’s cold as hell outside right now and she’d freeze her butt off!
My sister says I am sometimes selfish and I forget that other people are in my realm.This ain’t a one-man show, as she’s fond of saying…
So when she called me up from next door, where she lives, and asked to come over and take a bath in my really nice, deep, garden tub, I said, “bring your own towel”. Not because I’m selfish with the towels, mind you, but because there are no clean towels at my house at the moment cause the laundry’s piled up again…Something else I’ve been accused of being selfish about…that someone other than myself gets tired of looking at that laundry and comes to do it for me. I think some of that is jealousy though and not selfishness at all.
I don’t mind loaning my tub. It’s a grand experience to take a bath in that tub! I’ve turned up the furnace to warm things up in this house and she’s on her way over.

i think this has a lot of meaning that applies to more than dancing :

I do not try to dance better than anyone else. I only try to dance better than myself.
- Mikhail Baryshnikov

ps, i saw it on this site too!

sometimes i wish instead of thinking about myself all the time i oculd be using my time to actually do something selfless for someone else. I mean 100% of the time I’m working to make myself happy, but instead of working on something that seems impossible and I don’t even know how to do , why not make someone else happy? concentrate on someone other than myself?