stop needing somebody

all this time i’ve been fighting to keep him. i know why we aren’t together. its equally our fault. i’m ready to fix things but he’s not giving me the chance to fix things. i was a kid when he gave me the chance, earlier, to fix things! he’s the love of my life and hopefully, i can allow someone else to love me, when the time is right. but, sometimes, i feel like i dont want anyone else’s love.
i remember all the old times and now, all i can do is cherish that memory. i know i will, maybe, never get them back especially because he’s no longer the boy i fell in love with.
i don’t know if i trust him.
I need to stop needing him but how do i stop? At one point in my life, i let go of him completely….but he came back and asked me to take him back into his life. and i took him back. the worst part abt this is that i know exactly wut’s going to happen now. This stuff, is an addiction to me. Its like a drug. Its the same reason y i don’t drink – its bcuz i know that i will like it and i know that i will use it continuously. I have no self control where i can ration it out. Its the same with love! If only i hadn’t taken him back into my life….because i knew the minute i made the decision to take him back – it would become my new addiction. I’m addicted to the love, the attention, the passion!
stopping myself from needing him, is like stopping myself from needing a craving. I was addicted to chocolate but after a couple of weeks of not having it, i can hardly finish a small strip. Does the same rule apply? Can i stop needing him like i stop myself from eating chocolate?
How can i stop needing him when he hasn’t even given us a chance during our adult life.

and not in anyway to claim that my problem is not my own, but i think that other people have a tendancy to need ME, and most likely, YOU, as well. only in it that, everyone is needy. and avoiding arrogance, if someone needs YOU, you may be drawn into something which you were not intending to be drawn into.

and then you need them.
and it turns out like this.

Ricky was “L” but he’s home with the flu,
Lizzie, our “O” had some homework to do,
Mitchell, “E” prob’ly got lost on the way,
So I’m all of love that could make it tody.
Shel Silverstein

Why do I feel like there’s a hole in my life that needs to be filled? Dirty jokes aside, I keep feeling like there’s something missing, or rather, I don’t feel like there’s something missing because I’m constantly using people to fill that gap. But really, what does it all add up to? Me feeling used or feeling like a user and probably really hurting other people. Great.

Am probably doing a very bad and cruel thing which will get me in trouble. I have a silly belief in certain things being right and good for me – some sort of funny pre-destination thing that makes me believe all I have to do is make the correct choice and things will be ok. I’m beginning to realise life is not as clear cut as that. I sort of imagine that my thought processes and my feelings are separate, and that the feelings are what matters, and the thought processes are just me being a twat. But perhaps in fact what I really feel is the same as what I think.

Man I need to get more sleep and think about things other than my love life.

Right.
So, having been single for approximately two weeks, I’ve managed to get myself into almost exactly the same situation as I just escaped from. What the hell is wrong with me? Why doesn’t anyone feel the need to tell me to stop behaving like an idiot?
I’m furious with myself for allowing this to happen and being so weak about it.

I kissed a boy.

Met someone new. He’s cute and silly and probably an enourmous fuck-up. Unfortuanetly I find that attractive. I think this is the start of something very exciting and very frightening.

I saw both my somebodies tonight, and each meeting was incredibly disappointing. Why do I need someone else to make me feel good? It’s a pretty simple and obvious question but it’s ruining my enjoyment of life – I wish I had more control over my desires and less fear of loneliness. Ultimately I guess it all boils down to loneliness, but I really haven’t been feeling that bad until I’ve seen one of the offending boys. I think the trouble is I keep expecting them to redeem themselves as they have in the past, when what I really need to do is let go and acknowledge that some people just aren’t worth it.

Oh fuck. Things were going well, reasonably well at least. Now in the space of a few hours I’ve manage to whip myself into exactly the same mental confusion as last week. Why why WHY did I have to bump into him, that must have been the most awfully uncomfortable conversation I’ve ever had in my life, and now I’m so distracted that I can’t even remember what my essay is about. The thing is, our conversation managed to make me dislike him enough for me to never worry about him again, but then he bloody texts me and I have to think about how I feel. FUckfuckfuCK!