explain how i feel

So I succeeded in killing myself. I am now dead on the inside. I fucked up big time. Thats all I do. And I over did it this time. I am in a room full of people right now. But I am alone. I feel nothing. I care about nothing. I am nothing. I scamper and try to pick up the remaining pieces of what I have known as life. But they slip into the cracks of reality and rapidly disappear. I stop and find myself starring into a mirror. Not reconizing the image looking back at me. When did this happen. How did I become this person. The image fades and falls to the floor. And lands in a mess of what used to be and should have been. A pile full of should of’s and could of’s and do’s and don’t’s and a mess of nothingness and everyness. Laying there my thoughts run wild with idealistic’s. Everything that would be if it went right. And what I have now. But what I have is scattered across a cold floor. I don’t feel the cold. I am colder. Trying to focus on what is real I become ill. Ill from all the feelings. The emotions I can not control. I try and regain some strength to move as I watch my everything disappear before me. Watch it all fall through cracks. Pieces of happiness. Wanting. Utopia. Envy. Hatred. Love. Pain. Without them I feel no more. Faintly I smile. I like it. Sick. I know. I see the piece I want. Utopia. Falling. I reach my hand out to catch it. It’s gone now too. Than I hear a voice. I do not understand all I hear is static. Words pass through my lips so weakly. “I am sorry I am just trying to piece back together what is left of my life.” Now I can hear clearly. “Build something good. The pieces are there.” The voice is one of comfert. I have fallen for this trap time and time again. Do I really want to open my heart up again for trust. Something that has failed me over and over again. I see a pill bottle on a table. Standing there. Starring at me like some savior cloaked in white. Weak I stand. Grasping for the bottle a hand moves infront of me and throws it. I fall. I cry. I feel again. Darkness ensues. I sleep. I want to sleep forever.

I’ve explained certain aspects of how I feel anyway… I mean, really, I would never be able to complete this because the way I feel changes constantly. I’m happy now though, I’ve explained all that I can for the while to someone who matters a lot.

i sort of did this the other week… it just always feels as if i can’t quite find the right words to express myself. i need a thesaurus!