start my life

i just have to start with omg! its kinda weird how most stories i just read it describes how i feel. so anyway although some people are not sure what to do exactly to start a life i do know what i want to do at the same time keeping half of my family happy. i just have no idea where to start. being a new year kinda helps because im able to start fresh.

I live with my grandmother and she does’nt want me to live my life; she wants me to live the life she want’s for me .She is soooo critical!And the worst part about it is that I want to go to college in California and if I go next month I won’t have her support.I tell her its my dream to pursue my career but she does’nt give a shit. No one supports my decision not my bud or grandmother. I have to live the typical close-minded Alabama life go to church,talk about people,where boring clothes,basiclly not be myself. I want to live my life my way with tattoos.piercings,funky hair,and express my sexuality ( I am bi-sexual) instead of hiding who I really am. And to top it off a lot of people in the country-ass-ignorant town I live in know about my mentally ill mother and those people are waiting for me to stumble and fall so they can trample on me. My grandmother is best friends with those exact people. Also,I don’t know my father and that truly hurts to live your life every day and know your father ran out and left you to fend for yourself or die.But I will find the strenth to go to California alone and start my life all I have to wait for is financial aid and spending money. And hopefully I will make friends to last a life time.

Besides wasting the hours of the day sleeping, being a zombie at school, listening to some indie/alternative/rock music and looking at porn, I want to have an outlook on life and wake up everyday with the hopes of doing something new and accomplishing it.
I don’t believe anyone has told me how to grow up and just live. They just expect me to. On top of that, I’m shy, awkward, quiet, small and unprepared. That’s something that I alone have to overcome. I’m in this egg shell, looking at what could’ve, would’ve, should have been my life, right there. To me, God’s holding out opportunities right in my face, like a holding a treat in front of a monkey – TAKE THE FUCKING BANANA! – . . . but noting occurs.
I don’t have the usual things a person should have: best friends, my first romance, a definite goal in life, nor a hobby that I’ve stuck to for the whole year.
A part of me thinks that I should live life so passively, it might seem easy. Another part of me really hopes that I don’t take the short cut and let life pass so quickly. I’d like to stop being so dull, and just show that’s not really me.
I want to start now and just stop holding back the insecurities. Maybe starting here is where it should start.

I think I’ve been procrastinating long enough. I’m almost 21, and I need to get my life started. I need to get rid of all my old baggage and start working on some new stuff.

I’m moving back in with my mother tomorrow.. I’m going to find a job, save money, and get my own apartment.

I’m going to offically end this relationship I’ve been stuck in, and hopefully make my way into becoming happy again.

I’m going to let go of my feelings for him, and let go of the hopes of us ever being together. I can’t truly start things over if I can’t do this. If I sit all day and do nothing but think about him, I’ll just be in a different setting, doing the same things I’ve always done.

This is going to be hard, and I’m not going to like it, but I think it’s time for me to get over it and make the changes that I’ve been needing to make for the past few years. I owe that much to myself, at least.

Maybe I’ll even make a few friends in the process.. God knows I’ve lost all of mine over the past two years over some really stupid reasons.

I can do this, and I can do this on my own. I don’t have to have someone at my side just to make it through a day.

Someone once told me that if you can go 21 days without something, you can do anything.

I’ll give myself these next 21 days to make the changes that need to be made. At least if I have my foot in the door, in I kick it wide open and bust right through.

Yep.

I can do this.

I am 28 ive never been on my own im living with my inlaws today my ex motherinlaw said to me that my daughter would never survive with me that i would never make it on my own,i really can