stay sober

Ugh, felt good about this month, then started getting drunk for the remainder of the last five days. I didn’t drink today, and know my other mental issues will be alleviated so long as I keep on the beam.

Staying sober for 90+ days, starting 11/1/09. That will be my longest stretch for the past 12 years. It will be difficult, but it is my best chance at getting my life back on track.

I will re-evaluate my situation then.

After 90 days, I hope to have accomplished 10 goals (my top ten) including this one. As of now, I start at zero.

I’ll never give up, no matter what. Had my success and failures at this one, but failure is always temporary and a poor description. Everyday can be a new start, a new lesson learned. Progress not perfection is the goal, but those on the outside require perfection as the standard with regards to sobriety. Addiction is a riddle no doubt without real reason or answers as to why. The sooner one ceases in the quest for those answers the sooner he is free to live in the solution, rather than the problem.

I’m more of a big picture person, and seeing me go from a daily drinker to only drinking once this month, is a great feeling. Sure it would be nice to be completely abstinent, but I don’t think however time I have sober gets thrown to the wayside if I drink once, as long as I don’t feel like saying it’s over and I shouldn’t even try. I’m not at square one, I just faltered and can look back and say I didn’t get an A+, but for darn sure I got an A. I won’t give myself leeway to an alcoholic life, it will sneak up on me and take me down if I’m not alert to the fact that nobody is above relapse- no one.

I think one day at a time might be the best way to approach this. I’ll focus on not smoking or drinking today, and tomorrow, and tomorrow. I believe my dependency is psychological. I have not had alcohol or pot for almost 24 hours. That doesn’t seem like much, but for me its unusual. Aside from mild anxiety and slight cravings I am not experiencing any significant withdrawal symptoms yet. Getting to sleep tonight is going to be the tricky part.

For the past couple of years, I’ve been drinking excessively and smoking marijuana daily, usually until I fall asleep. Occasionally I’ve experimented with other drugs when available, but pot and alcohol are my staples (and its usually both, never one or the other.) It started as a fun, social thing and quickly degraded into a habit that keeps me from the things I want to do.

While I’m still somewhat functioning – still going to classes and doing the minimal amount of work required to pass – it’s definitely holding me back from trying new things, taking my life where I want it to go. It’s keeping me from learning how to face my fears and dealing with lack of confidence and anxiety. It’s a quick distraction, but nothing gets fixed or accomplished. Pot and booze have been my crutch for too long and I think its time to stop making excuses, pick myself out of this rut, and face the music.

I have suffered from clinical depression and anxiety in the past, and took medication for a time. I would prefer to avoid being medicated if possible. Bipolar disorder runs in my family. I feel relatively stable at this time, but I understand I have to be careful. I’ve been looking into meditation, aromatherapy and yoga to help combat the anxiety. I am considering seeing a doctor or therapist to keep myself on track if necessary.

I have many, many goals that smoking and drinking are keeping me from, like losing weight and finding a good career path. I feel that it is definitely a root of many problems for me, and healing this part of my life will radiate into other things and help me grow. =)

I know that this is a goal that has no end for me. when my time on this earth is over and i die sober then ive finished this goal. there is no graduation and no finish line. i am an alcoholic and i need to learn to live life on lifes terms, and that means sober. i can not do this on my own. ive realized that it is bigger then me. but it is not too big for god. with god and the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous i can acheive this goal.

I hate drinking. I will write more later, right now I just am not feeling inspired to write. Just felt compelled to make an entry on Day one.

8 weeks of a sober lifestyle…its been truely amazing!!!!!! I am never going to revery to revert. I have seen the light….and nothing, absolutely nothing will stop me from remaining in this utopia. I am very happy with myself. No one could tell me, or force me from treating myself so unwisely. I had to see it for myself. And I did! I look and feel amazing! Its a beautiful thing : )

I feel I have no great words of wisdom to say on this right now. It’s Friday night, and I haven’t got drunk on a Friday night for seven years now, which is a major achievement in my life. I celebrated with a cake at my AA meeting tonight. I’m about to head off to bed because I’m feeling a bit tired – got woken at 2am last night by an earthquake.

I know I keep saying it’s the last time but my damn brain won’t compute this new information! So in earnest (after drinking last night) I went to a meeting and thankfully have a ride from now on to the 8pm. I said what happened, and what I want is to be sober and I am willing enough to go to any lengths- to surrender. I am not one of the lucky ones when it comes to holding on to sobriety dates. I slip and slide into new ones. But I keep trying. With new resolve I read a bit of the Big Book (it was a BB study meeting), and then frankly I said I need a fresh perspective and a fresh sponsor willing to take me through these steps on the wall, and a ride home, and it doesn’t have to be the same person! Anyway I walked out of that meeting with two new numbers of people sober 2, and 16 years. One of which (16) is willing to work with me. I love AA people. I’m one of them and just love hearing them be able to tackle life’s good and bad stuff- SOBER. Well, I want it bad enough now. But gotta go and read 164 pages now, which I am grateful for. Some of us don’t make it back to the rooms. Just so you know, I did get a ride, LOL.