stop obsessing about what i eat

while i am rather obsessed with my body still (guh, how narcissistic IS that?), my eating habits are fine.

just.
fine.

check out this salad i noshed on the other day:

raw kale
raw mushrooms
soy sprouts
radish sprouts
cucumber
raw tofu
bragg’s aminos for dressing

so delish and very filling AND healthy.

i try to make sure to eat at least a salad a day now. my only major caloric vices are two things:

wine (or beer) and cheese

things that also go very well together and make me very happy :)

i’ve tried to institute an ab regimen every morning when i wake up (my stomach is one of my major sources of anxiety) and it’s been going great!

setback…#10 billion?

leave it to the notion that working at a restaurant will get you fat…

i HAVE been feeling fat…and i’ve gone from terribly skinny (for me) to…normal…and that…feels awful now :(

i restricted all day yesterday until i almost fell over at work…i allowed myself a shrimp appetizer for dinner…it was really my only full meal of the day and i ate at 9:30…

today has been a bit better…2 eggs for breakfast, a small bowl of granola for a snack, a bowl of HOMEMADE (bitches!) lentils, cauliflower, panner, peas, and carrots with rice

of course NOW i’m obsessing about the paneer…

::sigh::

i wonder if this will ever end…

last night i feasted on pickeld squash, russian style potatos, salad and chips

no

remorse

only yoga remains :)

i’ve been on a 3 day bender of eating things i really don’t normally eat…mainly breads and pastas…aaagh…

today for breakfast it was 3 raw carrots, and a small snack of a 1/4 of a half a bagel with cream cheese

i know it’s not much but it’s still early in the day and the amount of calories i’ve allowed myself to consume (a whole dinner of tapas and sangria, 3 servings of onion soup with cheese…aaaaaaah!!!) is pretty much unacceptable

today i’ve decided i’ll just eat the remaining stuffed eggplant from last night’s dinner…totally healthy, even if i have a lot of it

also tomorrow is SO yoga day :)

i have decided that a dinner consisting of grapes and brie cheese with the right kind of crackers (those table water crackers, mmm) is the best dinner EVER

throw in a few strawberries and you might have discovered bliss

my housemate is reading eat to live right now and just hearing some of the passages read out loud is so inspiring! the guy aims for weight loss, but also talks about how important it is to just stop eating things that are BAD for you…he advocates a lot more fresh fruits and fresh veggies (not cooked) and discusses the amazing anticarcinogenic agents that are present in all the things we don’t get enough of

i’ve noshed on strawberries, walnuts and grapes today after a meal of rice, tofu and beets and a breakfast of eggs, mushrooms and onions with a bit of mozarella cheese

tonight i think i will make a big pot of lentils to last the week and make sweet potato stir fry for din din…yum!

it was:

2 eggs, scrambled with chunky salsa, a bit of shredded cheese and mushrooms with a dollop of AWESOME guac on top

heaven.

there are now somehow magazines like Self and Women’s Health in our house…as if i don’t see these horrors around the spa enough…

i think i remember that i recently saw and advertisement in which a very pleasant and maternal sounding female voice lambasted other female mags for fueling body image distortion and obsession with weight, food, exercise, makeup, clothes, hair, sex, etc. but THEY were different…THEY have women’s best interest in mind…they then showed spreads in the magazine that contained 95lb girls with dazzling white teeth and perfect hair lifting weights without breaking a sweat…see? this is what REAL women look like when they are fit and happy! they look airbrushed! like zombies!!

working at a spa has its perks…free haircuts are very nice, as are $20 massages…but the obsession of the way we look…the spray tans, the parabens, the bleach, the violent destruction of hair follicles…

my manager constantly comments on my hair because i unfortunately don’t have the energy or willpower to style my hair with expensive products that i can’t afford every morning before work…it infuriates me and makes me more self conscious than i’ve felt at any job EVER

being self conscious is a particularly dangerous thing for me…i’m already obsessed about my weight and what i eat…i took an adderall this morning to keep myself from getting overly hungry at work because i’ve been CONVINCED i’ve been eating too much in the past week…and yet my pants are falling off of my hips leaving my underwear slightly exposed for all to see as i lead them upstairs to their relaxation room…and while i should add that these underwear are particularly adorable, i don’t think clients should be privy to viewing them

meh…i suppose it’s an okay thing that i’ve started to stick to a budget and thus will be eating nothing but lentils with veggies and rice for the next week and a half…and as long as i keep with the yoga, which has been a challenge with my new schedule, i shouldn’t have to worry too much

today was the best eating day i’ve had in over a month

i ate a ton of INCREDIBLY good-for-you food and my whole body feels amazing, if not a little gassy :-P

i also put down a glass of a vodka-soda water concoction after about 3 sips because my body reacted so strongly against it…

yay body atunement without plaguing anxiety!

i’ve been keeping track of what i’ve been eating…i just signed up for a fitday account…i can’t tell if this is hindering or helping me

i know i have been undereating, but it’s not dramatic and honestly, i think i’m more okay than i’ve been giving myself credit for…it’s more of a mental than a physical thing at this point…

there are journals i’ve read of girls who eat nothing more than a few bites of cereal or applesauce all day and are proud of themselves for it…i hope i NEVER get to that point…i’m still having 3 meals a day (albeit very very tiny meals) and i’m taking vitamins, doing yoga, and otherwise TRYING to be healthy