Live up to my own expectations and not to the expectations of others

I am SO DANG TIRED. I’ve been getting up at 3 am to go to wiork for overtime for 5 days straight, then staying up til 11 in order to scrawl out a sorry excuse for homework assignments. My schoolwork is pathetic this week, but we really needed that time put in – too much time off for family crisis’ have nearly slapped us into the poor house, and we ain’t anywhere near seeing the light of day yet. this weekend I have to put my assignments aside to help the girls with theirs; they’ve been struggling over this last month and are really backed up dangerously. SO, sorry professors and wife, I HAVE to work the OT this week and I HAVE to give my daughters some help. I don’t feel like I’m slacking – I just have to rearrange some priorities this week (and maybe next).

is that I don’t know what I would like to do in my life. I feel like I’m a leaf in the wind. Is it normal not to have a spark…something to think of, something to look forward to?
I feel that I’m living my life without me. What am I saying? This is not living, this is simply existing. There are many barriers that I have to break. I want to find that THING that could make me feel alive.
Until recently I thought that marriage and a child would make me happy. Now I don’t know what to think…I hope life means more than that. What am I afraid of? Failure, sacrifices, choosing the hard way, not fitting social standards…I don’t know. I only know that my mind is blocked and it doesn’t allow me to step out of my comfort zone.

For a very long time – I think I was resisting too many things in my life just because she pushed me to get them. Till this day, whenever I want or don’t want something – i need to figure out if I want it because I want it or because she thinks I need to want it. grrrr.

I moved to college this year (Augustana College in Illinois), and I’m SEVEN HOURS from the two people who I’ve always felt the most pressure from. My siblings, too, are away in their own lives, and I’m all on my own.

...And I’m doing great. =]

I’m searching for a college to attend next fall, and it’s finally something that I CAN’T rely on anyone else for. Although my brother’s helping in throwing his opinion in for random schools I pick out of books, I’m doing the decision making.

It’s all about ME right now, and I couldn’t be more excited about that.