stop arguing with my dad

but we’ve been getting along better, and giving and getting hugs =)

My dad is not going to change. We will probably never agree on much. And he will probably always be against everything that makes me happy, believing his way is the best way for me too. He can be really mean to me, but I think he doesn’t realize he’s being mean, though sometimes I wonder. And I suppose he loves me in his strange way. I say hurtful things to him too, and I yell back. It gets bad. I don’t want to do this anymore. Even if it means I have to be hurt, I don’t want to hurt him back. Just let him act crazy until he calms down. In the end the decision is mine. I don’t want to remember our relationship like this when my dad’s gone and I don’t want to have regrets, or wonder if I should have been a better person with my dad.

We argue about EVERYTHING.
We love each other, but we argue about EVERYTHING.
Why did I even put this as a goal? I suppose it will never change…

My husband once told me about a conversation he had with my dad. He made me promise that I would never use it as ammunition against my father. I promised, but reluctantly, even though I had no idea what he was about to say.

He told me that my dad sometimes intentionally says things to me to make me angry, to get a rise out of me.

Wow.

I can’t describe how upsetting this was to me.

While I have never directly used this piece of information as ammunition against my dad, it has fueled my own anger and pettiness against him. He just-argh!-he just does things that make me SO frustrated! And, next thing I know, I’m biting his head off about something that probably really isn’t even anger-worthy because I’ve stored up so many of the anger-worthy things in my brain.

But I know I’ll be sorry for my outbursts someday. I can even see the hurt and confusion in my dad’s face sometimes, like he’s wondering why I’m so mean to him. And I am. I am SO mean to him. It’s almost uncontrollable. It’s almost like it just slips right out before I can do a thing about it.

I don’t want this anymore. I don’t want to look back on my relationship with my dad, when that inevitable mortality kicks in for one of us, and realize what an idiot I’ve been.

I just don’t know how to stop it.