Find a job that I will be happier with or adjust to the one I have

Right now I really can’t change jobs and there isn’t anything better I can do and make as much money. I like parts of it, hate parts of it. I am looking into training for a new kind of work. The training starts next March. Its to help me develop my skills as as counselor more deeply and eventually do groups and teach. I don’t know where it will take me but it is a place to start. I have to keep growing and exploring. That’s just who I am.

I looked at some other jobs and if I change, I’ll be taking around a $5000 pay cut. I’m going to make an extra effort to cope here. I don’t want to sell my soul over money but with my current salary, I’m getting out of debt and able to help my mother. Maybe when I’m out of debt, I can re-evaluate this. Everybody has bad weeks at work. When it is time to change, an opportunity will present itself.

this week has been so bad. I keep thinking that I can ride the storms out. Can you compare a job as being like being in an abusive relationship? You’re going to have good days and bad days but are the bad days so bad that they make you forget the good days? I try to define for myself what is the difference between someone being hard nosed for the job or being abusive? I feel so depressed and I was just starting to feel better like I have hope. I guess I seriously need to look for another job but I’m with one of the major employer’s in the area. I don’t know what to do.

Things are actually getting better. I understand my supervisor’s behavior much better and don’t think she’s out to get rid of me. There were evidently major problems with the program and she was afraid we would lose our funding. She hired someone to help us who is actually helping us. We have much work to do before the program is in compliance but at least we know what’s wrong. I feel like I can be proactive in helping turn things around. It’s a good feeling to understand. Once again I interpreted a problem to be about me when it wasn’t. I tend to have a sense of responsibility for things I have no control over that go wrong.

Some of my former job responsibilities have been reduced and work is so much better now. I’ve been managing my time pretty well and keeping up with what must be done. What a change from last year at this time. I still don’t like some of the people I work with who affect my life but I can’t have everything.

for finding the perfect job: The perfect job is looking for me and we are being brought together now. I’m wondering if I should consider working as an advocate for sexual assault survivors. That would have a lot of personal meaning for me. It would be my meaning not me trying to give meaning to what means something to someone else.

I got a letter in the mail today that said that the legislature may not have enough money in the budget to renew my job in the fall. Why did my heart leap with joy? Why did I think of all the things I would be freed to do without that job to worry about? Hmmmmm….

The only way to survive this job is to believe in myself even when I am afraid. Particularly when I’m afraid, I must believe in myself. Be honest and frank and push forward. Yes, they’ll kick my teeth in but I can survive that. I’ve had my teeth kicked in many times over the years. I’m still standing. “What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight. Build anyway.” (Kent Keith) I have spent years building the way to this job and I realize it can be taken from me. One door closes and another opens. Maybe not the life I anticipated but a life. I’ll go on.

I’m not apologizing for being me at work anymore. I haven’t done anything to be ashamed of. I am not aplogizing for being human. No one has the right to attempt to derail my self esteem. Calling my boss Evil may be a bit strong but harming others in any way is up there on the toxicity scale. It is definitely an abuse of power. She should apologize for abusing her power. I know that will never happen but being aware of that fact is indeed freeing.

I’m gleaning ideas from some books on how to deal with problems in the workplace. So far I have learned that I am not alone. Many others have problems with their bosses and coworkers and don’t know what to do. I must remember the issue is not about me. It is about her and her insecurity as a manager. I can’t expect any positive feedback from her. Any gratification must come from inside. I also need to evaluate how my behaviors as female are being interpreted in the workplace. Women who act warm and nurturing like traditional female behavior are considered weak. Now that I understand the problem, it will be easier to adjust my behavior to one that will be more acceptable in an aggressive work environment. the biggest victory is that I can see that there are some answers. Being stupified by what’s going on is a demoralizing situation.