be happy, find inner peace

A year ago things were really tough. Today I have a decent job, I just got a raise, I’m pretty healthy, I live in a comfortable house, I have a wonderful partner, I have no financial worries and I’m being more active. Autumn is here, and with that a cosy feeling in the air. I have enough food to eat, fresh water to drink, and my problems are nothing to really fret about in the grand scheme of things. I’m looking forward to the future and all that it will bring. Now is a good time for me. I’m smelling those roses.

But maybe the point is if you have to try too hard, you’re going about it the wrong way.

My problem seems to be time. And over-commitment. Over-stretching myself, my resources and promising too much to too many people (including myself).

Being happy and finding inner peace seems to be in direct conflict with “be successful at my career” goal (which involves being a really ambitious person). I guess I “care” too much about my status at work and my professional standing to have that true inner peace I am ultimately seeking. It’s crazy, I know, but I seem addicted to achieving – or rather, avoiding failure. Which means I work hard and feel like I’m achieving, or don’t work really hard and feel like I’m failing. Neither of these options is synonymous with finding inner peace, but it seems to be how I define my personal success first and foremost.

Can professional ambition and inner peace go hand in hand? Can they go hand in hand for me?

chill out more! I always seem to have loads of “todo stuff” on the backburner of my mind. It affects my sanity, health, and achievements.

This weekend I’ve been hit with a relapse. I’ve been in real pain for the past couple of days. I know the reason – the past 10 days or so have been pretty stressful and I haven’t been looking after myself properly. With hindsight I can see why I had a flare-up, but it’s not easy to spot when you’re immersed in work and home life and juggling lots of balls at once in the daily bustle of life.

Sleep brings delivery from the pain – I am warm, relaxed and just drift into unconsciousness (not literally of course!). But then I wake up and wonder how long it will be before the pain returns.

Everytime I have a relapse, and I am taken back to those desperate, lonely hours of being in pain, my fear returns. I like to think of myself as fearless, and headstrong, and able to do anything I want to do, but chronic pain just blindsides me. It brings with it a fear that the pain will always be at my back, looking over my shoulder, something I will always have to contend with and arrange my life around.

The bright side is that this should pass soon. My last relapse was at Christmas (what is it with holidays and my health?), and I have many more good days than bad. But being in pain that you can’t do anything about makes you feel so lonely, and lost, and helpless, not something I want to be feeling.

I am happy, I just want to be healthy and strong again. I need to make a firm commitment to slow down, and not take on so much, and be kinder to my mind and body. And remind myself that this, too, shall pass.

I did things a bit differently today.

Took an hour-long coffee break in the morning and had a very interesting chat with a co-worker.

Felt a great buzz after a well-received presentation at work. Boss was pleased too.

After working longer than I should have yesterday, I made myself leave at a reasonable time tonight so I had time to exercise.

Went to the gym. Repeat: went to the gym! Found out that the one next to my work is much better than the one near home, and am rejigging my membership so it can become a weekday habit.

Turned off the computer earlier.

Started reading an interesting book.

Took time to sit down and have an egg for breakfast. It gave me energy all day long.

1. Choose how I spend my time carefully.

2. Control my thoughts. Cherish the positive, nurturing ones.

3. Simplify my life. Strip my routine of things that are not strictly necessary. Banish pointless worries.

4. Take time each day to meditate.

5. Put things in perspective when they seem overwhelming.

6. Align my path with my priorities. Take care to stay on that path and make corrections when needed. Stay aware; don’t just drift; move forward with purpose.

What makes me happy:

- Sunshine
- Nature
- My husband
- Feeling of accomplishment
- If things are tidy and uncluttered
- Feeling in shape and toned
- Flowers
- The smell of blossom
- Connecting with people
- Relaxing and letting everything go
- Yoga

What detracts from my happiness:

- Setting unrealistically high expectations and then feeling guilty when I don’t achieve my goals: “Good is great but done is better”
- Putting things off
- Not exercising and feeling guilty about it
- Feeling stressed about work
- Worrying what others will think