grow a handlebar moustache

Let me be the first to say that if you want to look like a wanker, then by all means: grow a handlebar moustache.

This was something I started because I thought it would be funny. I learnt a valuable lesson: looking like an idiot for long periods of time isn’t worth it so you can look like even more of an idiot for what amounts to a photo op. Kurt Vonnegut’s principle applies: be careful what you pretend to be, because you are what you pretend to be. Ironic ugliness is still ugliness, and by turning my appearance into a joke I turned myself into a joke.

I’ve had a beard my entire adult life, so I grew the moustache out while keeping my normal beard. I knew if I didn’t do this properly I’d just end up doing it again later, so I spent some time growing a decent handlebar (I don’t recall how long exactly). Most of the time I just looked a bit untidy, rather than, well, like someone trying to grow a handlebar moustache. Yes, they do get in the way. When I’d had enough, I shaved down to sideburns and a small goatee: a sort of piratey look, without the charm.

I do find the shape of my moustache quite handsome, even if I do say so myself. But the combination of it and face? It just doesn’t work. Handlebar moustaches are for handsome but effeminate men. Or short stocky weightlifters. Fat guys run the risk of looking a little too Ron Jeremyesque.

So after spending an inordinate amount of time growing the thing, I had it for about a week. I didn’t even get any particularly good photos (I think I was too ashamed and embarassed), so all in all I have very little to show for the experience.

I must admit that, yes, twirling your moustache like an evil villain IS entertaining. But despite that I really, really don’t recommend the experience. For the same effect, buy a stick-on moustache. It’ll be almost as much fun and considerably less effort. As an added bonus, women can enjoy the experience too.

Men love it, women hate it. So it had to go.

After long deliberation and much dissapointment in my attempt to grow a full, proud, and heroic beard, I’ve decided to go the other direction and grow a twirly handlebar moustache. As vilinous as it is foolish.

It was pretty cool once I had it, but growing it out was a pain. And of course you have to wax it or else it just hangs over your mouth in a disgusting way. And that in-between part where it’s no longer regular moustache but not yet wax-worthy is a bear.

I had a very pronounced handlebar that made me look periodically like Salvador Dalis love child or a Himachal Station Master. I had to shave it off- people always think I’m some sort of freak anyway but with it they just seemed too scared. I wish I had some photos still they were all lost with my camera and phone stolen during my last move. Sucks eh…
(btw the key to it is to twirl it towards your face to make it curl up….)

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grew a tache, more 70’s porn tache though.

and its BLONDE!

whats with that?

I kinda like it, though Jas can’t look at me cos it scares her :)

I’ve grown a couple over the years- I think it’s time to grow another one. They definitely attract a lot of attention, but they look really crappy if you don’t wax them.

And if I fail I’ll go for a John Water’s pencil thin job.