I will learn to face my fears with courage.

In early December, I took a workshop called “The Courageous Heart.” This is a recent email I got from someone who saw a family dramatization of one of my early traumas.

“You embodied the title of the course we took together.
Thank you for demonstrating your courage and your ability to forgive. It
was a privilege to be a witness to the process. You rock, girl.”

For, know that each soul constantly meets its own self. No problem may be run away from. Meet it now!
Edgar Cayce Reading 1204-3

Wow. This basically means that all the things that I fear from other people are manisfestations of myself. The person who doesn’t like me. The person who thinks I am a weak people pleaser. The person who tries to protect me from myself by restricting the amount of responsibility I take on myself. The people angry at me for refusing to take on their problems anymore. They are only creations of my mind. When I learn to respond differently, the drama they exhibit to me will change. Right now I feel weak, timid, depressed, drained and in pain. I feel like I’m not much good to anyone. How can I change this to something positive? I want to emanate strength, power, and confidence. I want people to listen to me. I want to be the person I was born to be. So if all this is true then I am the reflection of what the people around me fear to be. If I can change then theoretically they will change.

I found this at the Oprah website:

step one: whenever you are feeling a painful feeling, stop and become aware of what you are feeling.
step two: Remind yourself that the thoughts and feelings you’re experiencing are coming from a part of you that’s frightened by the thought that you’re not good enough.
step three: Ask yourself: “Do I want my decisions to be made by a part of me that is frightened?”
step four: Ask yourself: “What would I do in this situation if I were compassionate and wise?”

I put it on my wall at work along with the Paradoxical Commandments.

I’m afraid that if I don’t stay focused on exercise, affirmations, working, etc. that I will fall into the pit of my depression and be unable to crawl back out. It happened ten years ago and took about five years to get back out of it. 43 things has helped me stay on track and think positively so much. I appreciate the support that I have received from people here. It helps to know that I’m not alone. I know that I’m doing better than the last time I got this depressed. I have more resources and experience in how to pull myself out. I don’t have to fall so deep into the pit that I lick the dirt there again. I’m clinging to the wall but somebody’s hand keeps me from falling all the way. The hands change but there’s always a hand to keep me from falling. I’m a different person in a different situation now. the light at the end of the tunnel isn’t a train. It’s hope.

The stress has increased and so has the fear. This morning I took a 15 minute walk, practiced breathing, listening to the birds, and the beauty of the trail I walked. Then I prayed and sang hymns all the way to work. When I got here, I reread the Paradoxical Commandments. “People are illogical, unreasonable, and self centered. Love them anyway.” Now I’m working on my 43T goals to help me get focused on the positive. I can do this! I can work in a negative environment and thrive as long as I remember I am more than my work. I am not my job. I have a life and things to do once I leave here. Facing the fear gives me strength!

This morning when I usually wake up anxious, I didn’t try to push the fear back as usual. I looked at it and actually fell back asleep without needing a xanax to sleep. Osho is correct. When you face the fear, the release of energy is almost like a feeling of euphoria. The euphoria comes from knowing the fear isn’t as bad as I thought it was. For years, I’ve heard “face your fear” but I didn’t understand what it meant at more than a superficial level. You have to be in touch with your feelings and not intellectualize the fear for this to work. I’ve been practicing this all day. It does give a sense of power and control when I know my fear can’t destroy me.

I am not afraid. I am merely observing fear but I choose not to take it on. I accept that there is fear in the world but I observe it. I see what it does and I release it back to the universe to be transformed into love.

I went to a workshop (experential)this weekend on finding vision and courage. I was not in a good place when I got there just emotional and angry about what I’m dealing with. But since honesty was required of workshop participants, I opened up and talked about my fears. By the end of the workshop, I felt my heart glowing with joy and health. Yeah, I still have the weak feeling but I feel like I have regained something I lost in the fear and aftermath of being so sick. Now to put my new found courage to work if it was ever really gone to begin with.

From Dr. Kent Keith, “Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable. Be honest and frank anyway.” I can’t be anything but what I have. People will criticize me and not like everything I do. “People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered. Love them anyway.” “Give the world the best you have and you’ll get kicked in the teeth. Give the world the best you have anyway.” The people I fear facing are illogical, unreasonable and self-centered. I will love them anyway. The same people kick me in the teeth even though I give them my best. I will give my best anyway. Not because I am a glutton for punishments but because it’s in my heart. It’s who I am. I won’t allow anyone to take my heart, my courage from me. Yes, I stumble but I know how to catch myself.

1. I had a follow up sleep study. I slept and did not panic. But I was in a different envirenment with people who were friendlier and kinder. I didn’t feel like I was going to suffocate despite all the wires I was hooked up to, too.
2. I went to work and dealt with some personnel and insurance matters that I couldn’t handle by phone. I was uneasy about seeing my coworkers after being out of work but everything went fine.
3. Opened one email that I was afraid to open. It was actually good news. I could definitely use some good news.
4. I was afraid that I wouldn’t have enough money to get through May. thanks to some creative financing, I got everything paid and have some left. I did not want to need my husband’s help. he is carrying enough.