Show up, pay attention, speak your truth, let go the outcome

I found this article today by Eric Hamm.

http://motivatethyself.com/overcoming-people-pleasing/

Two of the most striking parts of this to me were the loss of perception and the loss of flavour. In particular these words jumped out at me…

“The more we let others walk all over us, the less clarity we will have as we try and assess the needs around us.”

“Over time, as we begin to see clearly once again, we will be able to accurately address those needs that are specific to our nature. The rest we will redirect elsewhere, confident that they were not meant for our attention. So let go of this idea that you can/will/should take on the troubles of the world and let go of this control that you think you have.”

For a couple of years now the word “clarity” has been popping up for me as something I lacked. Now a little further down the line I am starting to feel this and to see the world and myself a little differently.

I don’t think i was strictly a “people pleaser” in the sense that I of saying yes all of the time but I certainly wanted people to like/accept me. I was afraid of conflict and of making mistakes so much so that I was almost paralysed in some situations. I had certainly “lost my flavour” and have written here before about “losing my voice” or rather my sense of self.

As Eric writes so honestly at the bottom of the page, he has a long way to go and so do I. It is starting to feel so much better to be out there in the world however and this taste of what I have been missing is making me hungry for more.

I think the trick is to remember not to feel bitter and cheated, to feel sad a little for that young woman I was and all the things that have and haven’t happened BUT not to allow this to keep me stuck.

There is so much wisdom in his article….messages that have come to me before about letting go of control and (unreasonable) responsibity for others and at the same time taking control and responsibity for myself are coming through again loud and clear!

since I last had a drink. This weekend I was really tempted just to have a drink – knowing I could get back on the not drinking wagon again.

However I did not want not to be able to say ” I don’t drink” so I did not do it …wow!

I am quite amazed at myself. I am actually shaking my head in wonder right now.

We are having some more problems here and it would have been so easy to have a drink to make it all go away. I even caught myself thinking of ways I could sneak a drink without anyone knowing but I DIDN’T.

Yesterday I was thinking how amazing it was that I somehow “knew” that I would never have a drink again. Then came a nasty urge to drink the leftover alcohol that is in the fridge from Gs weekend get together. I thought I could “sneak” it and no-one would ever know! lol There was probably a glass or half a glass left. I didn’t do it and it didn’t really take much effort to stop myself. I just want to continue feeling as good as i can and as healthy as I can. I know that if I drink maybe even just one drink I will be disapointed with myself. I know if that happens that i will be able to put myself back in this place again so it won’t be the end of the world.

I am trying not to associate the good progress I have made here with not being at work! I have to go to work this is the way it is and I will just have to deal with the struggles I have with myself without resorting to alcohol!

the test will come this weekend when i am having dinner with friends. However I have done it before and if I really want to i can do it again.

I seem able to go for a week or two without any alcohol and then have a glass or two of wine when out having dinner. I guess that I have this under control but I still want to stop completely. I feel at the moment that I would be able never to drink again which is a great feeling.

So it’s not going to be as easy as i thought. Someone bought me a thank you present and it was alcohol. I left it alone and did not take it home for a couple of days. Then yesterday I brought it home and drank half of it last night. It didn’t suit me much! I thought about pouring the rest down the sink today but I didn’t and have drunk it.

I still know that i have this under control. I could have drank the whole bottle last night but I didn’t. I know it doesn’t do me any good. I have felt washed out today and will tomorrow. My body is telling me that I don’t want it and I know I can do it for that reason.

I am back on track tomorrow. I gave up smoking four years ago and for a time i still allowed myself to smoke one or two occasionally. Is it different do you think with alcohol? It is I know as once you’ve had one or two then it’s difficult to stop in that binge. I am much more in control. I know I can see a difference in the way I drink from a few years ago, even a few months ago. I just want to stop completely.

craving for a drink on the way home from work today)or was it while still there this afternoon?) I recognised why it had hit me today – it si the third day back at work and I have had two broken nights where I wake and lie thinking about things that have happened during the day. Monday night I was awake 2 and a half hours and last night it was about the same.Last night I lay awake thinking about the frostiness of one person at work and the night before about a comment made by some others. I have had two really positive days but today I have been tired and I can really feel it. My mood is less positive and my energy very low. It’s not been a bad day though but I still got that craving briefly.

On the way home I stopped at a shop to buy mushrooms and it was a shop where I have stopped many times to buy alcohol on the way home. What a breakthrough it was to go into the shop and not even think about buying alcohol. It never even entered my head – by then the craving had gone and it was not in my mind at all.

I think that has to be a first. Previously I would have debated about whether to buy some or not and then I would have given in ” because it is Wednesday!”

I am cheering myself here! :)

that I can do this. I want to do this. Two days without alcohol this time. As I don’t drink all day and everyday I thought I didn’t have a problem! I recently read that there are different types of alcoholics. I am the one who comes home from work and the first thing she does is get a drink. This is ok isn’t it, if it stops at one or two and it’s not every night, but it did begin to take over my life for a while a fews years back and it was the way I got through difficult situations and unpleasant or troubling feelings. I have been reducing for a couple of years and mainly now i don’t drink – but when I do still have a drink on an evening I can drink too much still! And if times are stressful then it can become and every night habit so easily. I don’t enjoy it. I do it to get by and it usually has the opposite effect!

BUT I haven’t done it yet! LOL

I intend to do it and really WANT to do it.

WHY?

1. I was just ill for a couple of weeks and did not drink – I felt better and clearer headed – I had more energy. I want my head to be clear and I want more energy.

2. I’m sick of drinking to numb my senses. I’ve been on social events twice in the past two months where I have not had any alcohol. It wasn’t as hard as i thought and I felt better not worse as i had always imagined I would feel without alcohol to get me through. I can be myself without alcohol!

3. I want to be healthy and active – i don’t want to vegetate into old age or worse continue to drink too much that my body gives up on me. I want to climb that part of the wall that has 200 steps on a steep rock face!

4. I am fed up of falling asleep on the nights when I still drink to(or so i thought) help me cope with the stresses and unhappiness of my working day. Having no energy to do anything I want to do and complaining that I have no time! It doesn’t help me cope at all! I can cope and there is nothing to feel stressed or unhappy about.

5. I can put the money I would have spent into my charity fund for my trek to China.

6. Because I love my son.