stop bingeing

and always will be.

So I just got home tonite (earlier) and I don’t even want to be here. I don’t know if it’s because I’m ashamed or if it’s because it reminds of falling into a viscious cycle over winter break and, ultimately, starting up the hardest time of my life. I wish I was back at my university town where I can just go about things the way I want to without having to worry about what others think. With just my boyfriend who understands most every thing. Seeing my counselor because today I realized she was right…Being home makes me want to just stay shut up in my room, make excuses to not see people and do tings, and just be “there,” not really living. I think I really need to consider traveling some where on my own for the next break.

I am currently working with a team of people—the university sports doctor, a dietitian, and a university psychologist. I openly admitted after a race in Texas that I was bulimic and this is how our athletics program has helped me. The dietitian isn’t much help because cheating on eating is the easiest at the moment. I also know most everything she is telling me. My psychologist is helping out the most because I can can openly speak to her, even though my comfort level is still slowly increasing. The problem is I leave the 5th of June for home, so I can only meet with her 1 or 2 more times.

While this seems like lots of help, I’ve still found myself struggling the past couple of months. What’s really turning me around is my boyfriend and an alumni soccer player from the university. My boyfriend doesn’t really like to get too in-depth with the subject, which I understand because he’s pretty sensitive already. The girl I met, she randomly asked me if I wanted to go to her church one day. Long story short, my faith has been all over the place after going through these issues for so long and I think that’s clear by my expressions on facebook, myspace, in-person, etc. It’s little things like becoming friends with her and other random life events that make me think ‘hey, maybe God really is just trying to help me out, just providing me with ways to turn around.’

I purged last on Friday for the first time since admitting the problem. My binges are more controlled than a few months ago. I still ‘purge’ though by being obsessive about exercising. I definitely am living life day-to-day because it’s the only way I can prevent a relapse. Learning to identify my “other side” has also helped in my progression. This aspect of my life will never fully go away, so I am ultimately just trying to be the one in control, instead of feeling so helpless.

committing to this goal in writing has definitely helped me focus, and that’s always been my best path to success. with the proper focus, i can do anything. knowing i would come back and have to follow up on this goal kept me honest, even though i was starving all evening, had a bunch of back-to-back appointments before i could get to eat dinner, but i didn’t wimp out, grab candy or anything off my plan. so i think it’s a great start. also joined www.peertrainer.com which lets me note my daily food intake in a journal, and joined a couple of their groups, so i’m setting up more ‘watchdogs’ in my life to keep me absolutely committed.

It’s taking over my life! I was anorexic early in high school, and I had never felt so in control and successful. I’ve gotten “healthy” once again over the years, but still have a very disordered sense of eating. I go through these quirks with food, eating only one or two types of food for a long time, and I eat them like I’m famished. Recently ‘til it hurts to breathe. Yesterday was one of my first true successful attempts at purging, mostly because I used a toothbrush. I don’t prefer to use this method because my throat was damn sore the rest of the day. Either way, I had to somehow get rid of all that food I ate. All what I really want is some balance here; to not have this control my life, and for me to be the one in control. I’m not asking to become anorexic again—I know the damages done to others and myself. But I do know from past experience how important this matter is in my life.

i guess i’ve been neglecting the use of this site. lets see, i’ve been doing bad. my brain just never lets me forget about food and eating. this is really bad. halloween is coming up which will only make this worst. i need to be in more control!

binge: 2
me: 0!!!

This one stresses me out, it’s gotta go.

binge: 1
me: 0

potential triggers:
-rushed trip 2 shop when already hungry
-not feeling very attractive

for the purposes of this goal, I’ll define bingeing as eating more than 1000 calories over my daily allowance (2000). So anytime I go over 3000, I will not have stuck to this goal. I aim to write an entry on this every day for at least a month- I’ll take it from there. Wish me luck!! I’m sick of sabotaging my health and my hard efforts!

didn’t binge and ate clean today. good for me.