so much harder than it sounds. the first step is honesty: what exactly do you have to forgive? the next step is the gut check: just were is that energy sitting? where and what is the feeling? What is it’s history? what age are you, when you think of it? how do you really feel?
okay. my sister. I feel about 7 years old, and totally powerless and sad. it has always made me feel so very bad, the way she has treated me. sad. hurt. somewhat humiliated. generally – unloved; hated, even.
i have been my sister’s scapegoat. she hated me because of how my mother favoured me and put her down. really – she wasn’t missing out on a damn thing. anyway, I got to pay the price for that – over and over again.
feel trapped, abused, helpless, misunderstood. she hates and resentments me, and always have.
yeah – i forgive her – but she is still punishing me, and it will never stop. I really just don’t want to have anything to do with her, but then I get shit about that as well.
she projects all this shit at me and onto me; and – she “demands” I be her “friend”.
Obviously, I am not obliged to take her shit, or be her friend. But I am left feeling really bewildered by her.
I guess I’m really not interested in taking any more of my sisters shit, ever again.
I am tired of feeling like I have to “defend” myself around her. she makes me feel like I’m fucking crazy – when she is the crazy person. I guess I really hate her guts, and I don’t know or understand what “forgiveness” means in this context, but I know it’s a process.
hate her guts – well, is this even true? not really. what I mean is – I hate being around her. I hate how she treats me. I hate how she doesn’t listen to me. I hate how defensive she is.
I feel really trapped in this relationship with her.
On the other hand, I barely see her, and she is an idiot. Do I really care what she thinks of me? I mean, the woman is a fucking twit, and I know it. I don’t need to “defend” myself against this shit, or forgive it, or anything else. I need to forget it, and shake the dust off my fucking boots.
I need to see this bullshit very, very clearly. Margie is her mother’s daughter to the goddamn bone. And ignorant, demanding, self-centered, insecure, idiot from hell.
And now that I have seriously lost every single illusion about this asshole, I am finally free from the tyranny of her stupidity.
I can take this shit in, or leave it on her doorstep, where it belongs.
I will look at this vacation as a job I hate, but need to do. I’ll do a good job, I’ll get a good reference, I will tell her what she wants to hear, I will listen to her stupid, trivial bullshit, and three days later, I will be gone, and she will be no more the wiser that I hate her fucking guts.
Okay, this isn’t exactly forgiving – but its letting go, and moving on. 5 years ago