Yesterday, I heard a sweet, heartwarming story and, in light of what’s happened, I thought it would be nice to share about the beautiful side of the human race.

Yesterday morning, Z went out for breakfast while holiday shopping and stopped at a diner. Sitting next to him on a barstool was an older man with a long white beard, wearing a red sweatshirt and a Santa hat.

While they were sitting there, a family who was also eating at the restaurant got up and headed to leave. In the family was a little boy, who walked up to the older man, tapped him on the shoulder and asked, “What are you doing here?!”

The man laughed an actual “ho ho ho” laugh, turned to the boy and said “Even Santa has to stop from time to time to eat!”

The little boy shrieked. “I knew it! I told you it was him! It’s SANTA!!!”

Not only did it make his Christmas, but that little boy is never going to forget that for the rest of his life. 5 months ago

“The loneliest people are the kindest. The saddest people smile the brightest. The most damaged people are the wisest. All because they do not wish to see anyone else suffer the way they do.”

-Unknown 6 months ago

I can’t breathe. There’s that big lump in my throat that is weighing pretty heavy on my chest. At night I keep waking up catching some air as if I was diving for a whole minute. During the day it’s a bit better: as long as I am busy and focused, everything is fine.

Maybe meditating more regularly could help…. 7 months ago

This was on The Big Bang Theory, and I couldn’t stop laughing. Given that I’m trying learn three courses on my own before the qualifying exam I’m about at the edge of my own sanity. Just a few lemmas and corollaries away from jumping into this ball pit with Sheldon.
_{Why they have us try it before we actually learn it is beyond me…}

Sheldon and the Einstein Approximation9 months ago

While going through my drawers looking for things to donate, I found my passport!! It had fallen behind a drawer and gotten wedged into the backing of my dresser. Finding it was sheer luck. I had half crawled into it to check for any straggling pieces and stumbled on it. If it wasn’t for my need to clean every inch I would never have found it! (I mean really…wedged into the backing?!)

While I’m a bit peeved at having paid for a new enhanced license, I’m relieved it’s no longer missing and that no one stole it or my identity. I’m also thankful that I held off reporting it missing until I could do this last check because it’s still valid for a few years. Not to mention that it’s expensive to replace!

It’s also nice to know that I was right in that I put it in that cabinet like I always do. I wasn’t crazy, my memory was spot on…it just accidentally fell out of reach and a stroke of luck has reunited us :)

Whew! 9 months ago

It’s raining and it’s wonderful.

We haven’t had rain in over a month and the lawns are like hay. Z and I haven’t had bonfires like we normally do out of fear of starting a wildfire. Not only has it been drought-condition dry but it’s been record breaking hot. Too hot to enjoy. It’s still been 80 at night. Too hot to do anything but hide indoors.

But, today it’s raining; tonight it will be cool enough to sleep with the windows open and tomorrow the grass will be greener.

Today, Z started his new job. He seems very happy with what he’ll be doing, his responsibilities, and the benefits they’re offering him (which really are phenomenal).

Above anything, he seems…at peace. Relaxed knowing that he finally has a job again (his first since graduation) and satisfied that it’s a good place to work and good for his career. He feels productive and useful and that makes him happy. (We’re both so similar in that way.) Plus, there is the relief that bills will be able to be paid and we’ll be able to relax a little.

Tonight, we’ll both rest a little easier knowing that, as of this moment, we both have jobs.

We’ve struggled for so long that it seems surreal. They say money doesn’t buy happiness, but being so poor and desperate for funds can take a severe toll on a person’s individual self esteem and worth, as well as on a relationship. It’s very tough when one person is out of work, but almost impossible when both are and one is chronically ill.

I’m grateful for his job, and my own (thought it won’t last), and I hope this is just the start of good things finally headed our way. 10 months ago

I am filled with so much hatred right now and doubt and negativity. It makes it so difficult to breathe.
I know that it’s not true and it IS possible to see the good, but then those negative thoughts are rolling over me again and don’t let me sleep.

Sigh… 10 months ago

A perfect summer evening with fireflies, bonfires, s’mores and even a couple of shooting stars. 11 months ago

I’m grateful to all of the wonderful people here who have taken the time to share this milestone with me. Birthday wishes are wonderful; but what is loved and appreciated more is the support, kindness and love from so many people that I’m blessed to consider my friends.

Thank you ♥

(Also, it’s going to be awesome once notifications are back and I get to celebrate them all over again lol!) 11 months ago

I’ve been in the thralls of a all kinds of roughness, but there have been some bright spots and it’s worthwhile to remember them. (Unclicks deluminator ;) )

“Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, when one only remembers to turn on the light”~ Dumbledore

- Z having my back. Someone treatedly me shockingly poorly, and he did the perfect thing: let me fight my own battle but backed me up when someone’s attacks went too far.
- kindness both of friends and strangers. Sometimes people can be amazing.
- planting my container garden. It’s risky as people here don’t plant until Memorial Day because there’s still risk of frost, but screw it. The weather’s perfect and gardening makes me feel better.
- the weather has been fantastic. Sunny and warm, but cool enough that my POTS has been behaving enough for me to enjoy it.
- Z has a job! In aerospace no less!
- Z surprised me with several plans for the future. Time will tell what will happen, but some of them were surprising even to me, in a way that makes me have new dreams and tiny flutters of hope.
- Z’s job not starting until June, so he can go with me to Cleveland and we can get some time together for the first time in weeks.
- Sherlock being back on tv. I’m obsessed.
- Robin and Barney getting married on How I Met Your Mother. I am psyched. I haven’t held my breath at a finale like that in a long time, since Friends or Frasier. I hope they stick with it or I’ll be one unhappy girl. 12 months ago

It’s difficult to keep breathing these days.
Especially when the kids ask questions and I have to lie to reassure them that everything is fine.
And when I have been making sure for months there was time for a project that most likely can be thrown away now.
And also when the kids are planning a nice breakfast for mother’s day, which they can’t do by themselves – and I know that I have to do the preparations for that, because someone else is far too busy sending flowers elsewhere…

This too shall pass… 12 months ago

The feelings of: exhaustion, desperation, hurt, depression, anger, resentment, fear, and hopelessness. Being overwhelmed, struggling, suffering and feeling like a failure. It’s been a miserable few weeks with no end in sight.

_{While I appreciate that there are so many wonderful people out there who will just want to say something nice or kind or encouraging, I’m not trying to be a jerk but I’m really not in a place for any semblance of a pep talk right now so I’d appreciate it if no one tried to give me one.}12 months ago

Breathe in:
Tiptoeing around the house
Not being able to speak my mind
Not feeling appreciated

Breathing out:
My parents coming tomorrow
My children 13 months ago

Breathe in…
Mexican food three times this week. Yum.
Somehow I made it to work all five days this week.

Breathe out…
Vertigo. Its been a rough week is all I can say about that.
No zumba because its hard to salsa when things are spinning from within. 13 months ago

The last couple of weeks (months?) have been super stressful; to the point where some moments are downright ugly in my house. However, there have been some bright spots that have come to me from people outside of my house/town/city.

Breathe In:
- Bob1623 sent me a surprise in the mail! I haven’t opened it yet as I’m waiting for a specific goal to be accomplished (they’re related) but I’m excited and thankful in advance for the thought :)
- TechKat sent me two postcards! I just got them this week and they were a welcome surprise. I’ll be sending some back ASAP.
- My closest friends (you know who you are) who have helped me maintain relative sanity in the last two weeks.
- The kind, well meaning suggestions from 43thingers
- My sister, who told me that I have no reason to feel like a failure; that she’s proud of me for everything I’ve been through and that I refuse to give up and continue to try.
- Being asked by a fellow POTSie to head a chapter of POTS awareness/support right here in Buffalo. (What can I say? I’m kind of a big deal ;) Just kidding! lol) 13 months ago

Breathe in…
– short work week
– spending some time saturday with my nieces and sister
– spending some time sunday with my mom and sister
– always spending time with my boyfriend
– the writing class I’m taking

Breathe out
– being sick
– bad attitudes around me at work 13 months ago

^{I’ve always associated breathing in with stress, pressure and negativity and breathing out with relaxing and letting go. I’m going to try this here, too, even though I know that other people here write their posts differently. I hope they don’t mind.}

Breathing in:
- Being scared
- Rejection
- The fear of not being enough
- So much responsibility

Breathing out:
- Knowing that my children are happy little monsters (something I have done right so far)
- I am always able to find something to smile about
- Having friends, support, feeling appreciated
- It’s not my fault! 13 months ago

Breathe in:
- seeing new areas of the country
- trying new foods
- the smell of the ocean, the sun, and the feel of sand
- mini golf and spending time with my dad and sister, who met us on one leg of our journey
- the learning experience of a roadtrip with Z
- handling the whole thing fairly well physically
- coming home to my mom’s beef stew
- a week of weather in the 70s and 80s. We went out for ice cream and had a bonfire in March!
- the love of my two girls that will continue to get me through anything.
- opportunities and options. Though I’m feeling overwhelmed with this decision, it’s wonderful to feel wanted. 14 months ago

Breathe in…

Zumba and bellydancing this week, feeling good and strong
Some good talks with people I love
The zoo with my sister, daughter and the girls

Breathe out…

Negativity and ugliness from the family meeting
Worrying about my boyfriend’s nephew and friends who were attacked in a gang related incident 14 months ago

Perfectly 14 months ago

Breathe in:
- was very productive! I managed to get several tasks done and will hopefully be finished tomorrow.
- I went out! I had coffee with two girls I was friends with in high school. One I’ve talked to regularly since then and the other was a total reconnection. We spent hours talking and felt good to be doing something normal people do all the time. Well worth the pain I’m feeling now. (POTS flare ups are givens!)
- my bacon-cheddar-apple sandwich was delicious.
- being in a relationship that is accepting of different viewpoints, and capable of intellectual discussions on any topic. 14 months ago

Breathe in:
- plans are finalized. I’m nervous and stressed but also excited! This is huge for me! This is the biggest test yet for me since my illness began.
- the prospect of seeing new places
- being given the gift of a day at the beach to end my trip. It’s been along time since I’ve made it to the beach, and it will be just what I need. It’s also a place Z and I have gone to separately and loved, and this is our first time together in one of our favorite places.
- finding out I got into UB. It’s great having options.
- new sneakers! (It’s been two years or more lol)

Breathe out:
- had to deal with an ugly situation today. I didn’t enjoy it but it was for the best. 14 months ago