back up and then defragment my head

Since I don’t know how else to do it, I will make this a major goal interconnected with a number of smaller goals that I have listed here on 43things. Here are some of them

Spend more time outdoors

Helps me clear my head, and I almost never do it.

Meditate daily

Same as above + a stress relief (which is, coming to think of it, also same as above

Draw Mandalas

Same as above+the creativity+the intuition developement

Write more

Creativity&release&satisfaction

The rest are the lists. Being cursed, as I am, with a love of lists, it may prove a may of making this way more exact. It might not solve anything but it might define things and give them shape.

List 43 things I’m glad I’m not

List 43 things I don’t want to be forced to do ever again

List 43 things that make me, me

List 43 strange things about me

For starters…

‘be brilliantly organised’

There are problems I need to work on, to sort out. Progress can be made on these things through good planning, and action. So thinking about the problems, focusing on one at a time, planning what to do and then actually doing it are the steps to take.

But… circular worrying, repetitive thoughts, imagining worst case scenarios, these do not help, they make no contribution to sorting things out. So I want to remember that:

The fears in your head are (most often) worse than the reality.

To take this a bit more seriously, I had an idea today of writing down all the regrets I have, and then just letting them go. I keep going over them repeatedly in my head, having found that blogging has helped to a far greater extent than I would have imagined, in dealing with anger and frustration, doing similar with my regrets might be a good idea.

In 1997 I was very unhappy. I had let my appearance go, wasn’t going out at all, felt so trapped and was lacking in confidence. It was like living in darkness, living in a prison. I wanted to do so much, but found myself married to a man who wanted only to stay indoors, and I did not have the courage to leave. Fool that I was.

By mid 2002 I was holding down a fantastic, interesting, challenging job, was learning to drive for the first time in my life, been abroad for the first time, had been told I was ‘gorgeous’ by the guys I dated, people constantly mistook me for ten years younger. My lads were far more active than before – roller skating, swimming, cycling, I had no money and no car but loved to see them being active. I’d completely turned my life around. It truly felt like stepping from darkness into light, emerging from a prison of negativity, of inaction into the world. Just to sit and watch people, to be out in the evening, to travel to different cities and explore beautiful places elsewhere in the UK was so wonderful. I appreciated every moment of fun, all the new places I saw, people I met, new experiences. This enthusiasm and passion for life has always been there, but because of complex issues, I found myself trapped in a relationship and a place I so wish I’d never entered into. To be free, to be achieving, to actually live life is so wonderful.

But, it’s slowed right down. In 2004 we moved to a lovely part of the UK, but it’s been difficult to go out, to socialise, for practical reasons. Also I’ve had some tough times since moving here, and that achieving, confident me is hiding in the bad incidents, the bullying I’ve endured from others, in the unwise decisions I’ve made. Damn!

So, need to restart, refresh and reinvent myself again. Appreciate every day, enjoy every day possible, make more great memories. File away the things that make me ‘crash’, notice and enjoy the good things that happen, that I have in my life at this time. The immediate future is scary, but I can still enjoy every day.

I forget everything.

THE TIME HAS COME

when you don’t defragment your head, the information is stored in any available place. And, in my case, pieces of information suddenly are released and i remember the most useless things. I’ve just remember that today is a guy’s birthday, a waiter of a cafe i used to go about 15 years ago, who moved to Spain and never was heard of again, and, honestly, i don’t care much, it was not even my friend,it was just a nice waiiter, but, still, i’ve just remembered that today is his birthday, the memory just popped. what a waste, i say to myself.

i know there must be some free space in there