What I remember from 2011. That we didn’t talk for long stretches. That I decided to invite him to come to Berlin for his birthday weekend and that we successfully hunted for jeans, had dinner at the Thai (?) place around the block, and an earnest conversation on Sunday morning. All in all, a good weekend. In September, from the best of intentions to high drama on the actual day, my mother’s big day, and the conclusion: we just can’t, and (my conclusion) I’m sick of it. And he echoed that sentiment on the second day of Christmas, which led me to wonder, once again: why do I risk this again and again, and should I? or should I let the days beforehand – breakfast and shopping in Hamburg, a harmonious Christmas eve – count more?

I am still honoring the goal. It’s really just this question. And that I wish to be able to relax for real, for once? forever? but never can’t, being the older sister. 17 months ago

My brother told me he was shocked to read that it’s been almost two years since his last visit, the one during which we sat at the kitchen table and talked about plans, goals, to-do lists. And what has changed since then? Whenever I think about his situation, I eventually come around to my own and the realization that obviously, I need to adress and improve that first. In certain dark moments, I wonder if the two of us are ever going to climb out of that hole. I’m sure my mum asks herself the same. Nevertheless, I have so many good reasons to pull myself, whereas my brother doesn’t. His are mostly… theoretical. Which breaks me heart. I invited him to come visit me here this summer, in order to see something new, work a little bit, gain some perspective, and see the unbelievable changes to the neighborhood. He said he’ll think about it.

Gentle prodding, gentle questions, which nobody else seems to ask (?), seem to be the way, but occasionally I think that I need to do something more drastic to pull him away from the square kilometer he spends his life on. 2 years ago