even thought I haven’t been here much. There aren’t much news, the same old. There are good days, and there are bad days. I am not sure which ones more since when it’s a bad day it seems to consume so much my energy that I forget the good days. However it’s not depression. I am still capable of thinking positively. And the bad mood doesn’t suck me into too deep.

The cat is huge mood lifter. And she also gets me up from the bed by mourning so much that I can’t sleep :D I have spent time with my friends and done exercise. The job situation is what bothers me much. And it bothers me cos I try so much but see no results. It makes me feel like I am a loser. And I am getting short of arguments against that thought. I just try to take day by day and believe that someday it will be my lucky day. And keep trying. I really shouldn’t give up on my dreams cos that’s all I have. 13 months ago

waking up in middle of the night and feeling so anxious and worried for my future that even breathing feels difficult. And then I lay awake for an hour or more tossing and turning and trying to keep my mind away from things that are so overwhelming. Finally I fall back to sleep and see some very odd dreams.

Luckily in the morning things feels a bit better. My problems hasn’t gone away, but it feels easier to think more rational than when you are tired. I try to think positively. Try not to worry about the future. But I do. All my efforts seems to go in waste and I feel that I am a failure.

World seems unfair place. And where is my place in that world? 14 months ago

Our holiday was a quite blessing for my mental health. I almost managed to forget all my worries. I even did so for awhile. I got an email middle of our holiday that made me very anxious and panicked and felt miserable. The next day it turned out that I was worried for nothing and I even got some good news that cheered up the rest of the week.

What is causing me most of my worries is money. And lack of job. However the current events have given me a glimpse of hope that my worries of not having a job, might end. Money problems might still continue, but if I manage to survive a little longer, things should work out just fine. But if I got a no for an answer today, that would take me a back for the bottom once again. Or in the half way. I heard about another job opportunity today, but I am not that interested (yet). It would be better than nothing though.

I am worried though how I will do my job. I don’t have much experience and I am sure a lot of new things will come. I might feel lost too. It’s been already so long for my graduation, that can I even remember anything I had learned in uni? I feel ready though to finally get my career starting. I am ready to work. Start from the bottom and reach for my dreams. I did everything I could yesterday. At least there is no point to think what I could had said more. I was my honest self and if that’s not enough, what is? 14 months ago

and I guess I really am. I don’t understand why anyone doesn’t want to hire me. Am I so unhirable? I feel that I am left out from the society. I hope next year it would be my time, but I am so afraid that I will just lose again. It gets harder.

I would like to braise the future and see hope, but right now thinking about future just makes me anxious and sad. I feel hopeless and I don’t know how I have energy to send resumes when I just get rejections all the time. How I can show them that I am the best person to hire when I don’t feel that way about myself anymore?

How could I find happiness again? 17 months ago

Something just occurred to me. And this is not looking good. Not at all :(

I’m very pissed off now. That’s a good sign though, cos I am not depressed since I care. So something positive about this situation, eh? 17 months ago

This time of the year is what I hate most: it just gets darker and darker until we see sun only few hours. And there is no snow and the sky is grey. How on earth that wouldn’t depress me? I wish I would be like bear and go to sleep until it would be spring. Lately I have slept quite late. The cats wakes us up early in the morning by mourning and running like a crazy around the house (and top of us). So when it’s actually time to wake up, I feel very tired and not rests at all. I don’t want to get up before the sun is up. And days like these, I can’t even see the sun behind from those gray coulds. Also I don’t feel much that I have reason to wake up in the morning. That sounds like depressed talking, right?

I hate that I don’t have a job. I hate that I feel useless. I feel that I am not worth anything. I am just burden to people. I wish that I could do something. But it feel so futile that every time I ask somewhere a job, I get “thanks, but no thanks. We don’t need you” response. I wonder when it will be my turn? Will it ever? I wonder did I make wrong choices? If I could do it again, would I do it the same if I knew what I know now?...But I can’t change it. I have to play with the cards I have now in my hands. It might not be the winning hand, but I might just be able to bluff my way trhough. Or play against someone who has worse hand.

I don’t like that I am starting to lose my optimistic view of life. I don’t like that I start to doubt that maybe everything is just random. The thought that everything happens for a reason gives me a hope and helps me to see what good would come after this situation I am in. It also helps me to believe that things will be alright. After bad things happen, there always will come something good. But if I start to doubt that, what remains? How I can see hope when there isn’t. If we make our own luck? I can’t change to job place. I can’t just snap my hand and make it happen. The luck isn’t mine to take. But could I find happiness somewhere else than work place? Definitely. I think that having a job would solve so many problems I have, and I think it’s true. But not anykind of job. And the happiness…there is so many other things that could make me happy. And sometimes I am.

Honestly, things could be so much worse. I still have roof under my head, food to eat and people who care about me. I live in country where things are pretty good, even for people like me. It’s not perfect, but I am alive. And I have my health. I am not addicted to drungs or alcohol. And I might not be Einstein, but I still have brains full of curiosity and knowledge. I am not stupid and this situation isn’t my fault.

And I refuse to give up. This shit isn’t taking me down. I have my right to be here. And some day I will do something great. I will find the reason for my existence. And maybe the answer is closer than I think. 18 months ago

According to my plan

1. I have got up for the gym early. I usually get up between 8-9 am.

2. There hasn’t been much jobs open from my own field. The job hunting depress me. I feel like a failure. I have applied something else than where I have my education, but it seems to hard to get those jobs too. I don’t spend hours for job hunting daily and I haven’t applied jobs daily either. I still want a job that I enjoy doing at least a little. And there aren’t that many interesting jobs open. I need to make some plans what I should do about this.

3. I go to gym daily :)

4. I have met friends as well. Last week one of my good friends who I hadn’t seen over a year came to visit me and on Saturday it was birthday party that I attended. Also now I have met daily my new friend at the gym :)

5. I have more or less talked about what’s on my mind. I still keep some stuff just myself, but most of the stuff I do talk with friends or/and Antti.

6. Fun things? Yes! Cooking, playing with the cat, playing PS3, snuggling with Antti, going to gym… etc.

7. I still haven’t given much thoughts about the voluntary work. However I did attend WWF’s oil catastrophe education course. I also have met new people there and gym.

8. Truth is that there are some days when I feel like giving up. Some days my life feels pointless and worthless. And some days I feel that I have energy to do anything and believe that someday it will be my turn.

Overall mood: 7. (In scale 1-10 where 1 is very depressed and 10 is where I feel really good) 19 months ago

I constanlty get remindigs that I am unemployed, looser for not finding a job. I feel hopeless sending the applications when all I hear back is “thanks, but we chose someone else”. Even getting an interview would lift my spirit.

I know that getting a job from telemarketing probably would be easy. They take who ever choses to do that. But I don’t want to do that job. I can’t do that job. As nice as it would get money and not need to worry about financial issues. But for me work needs to be something I enjoy. A money can motivate only little after all. If I think too much and for too long ahead of my situation, it makes me anxious and panic.

I have failed with my fitness plan. I haven’t done daily things. I should go to activate my gym card, and start going there daily.

I haven’t seen any friends this week either. But we are going for the weeked to Antti’s parents so that should be fun. It probably will be the first long road trip for Eeva, so we shall see what she likes it. Antti’s brother will loan a car for us so we don’t need to use buss. Going with cat in the buss isn’t impossible, but it’s much easier with own car.

I am glad that I have the cat with me during my long and boing days. I also appriciate Antti being in my life. Right now I think I need him more than ever. 20 months ago

It’s the second final day at my current job and I am facing a life of unemployment again. It’s been almost a year from my graduation and I still haven’t found a job. (I had a traineeship for three months, and not well paid) So I need to prepare my self that I might not get job for months again. I will keep trying of course and do my best, but I think everyone knows how hard it is to find a job during this difficult financial time. Especially if you don’t have much experience and you don’t want to do telemarketing.

Last spring, before my traineeship, I got a bit depressed. I was filled with negative thoughts and I found it hard to talk about it to anyone. I got more and more closed and only pretended to be happy. I don’t want to get back to that. I don’t want to feel as looser. The evenings and days are getting darker all the time too, and that will also have negative impact to my mood. So if I don’t find a job soon, I am sure I will have quite difficult times ahead.

So in order to keep myself happy (and not just pretend to be) I need to have a plan. I almost had a panic attack a few weeks ago when I started to think about the fact my job ends soon and I got rejection for a job that I applied. And last week I cried myself to sleep cos of this. So that was kinda wake up call that I shouldn’t take this lightly. This is something I need to process. Don’t avoid it. And don’t take the rejection letters personally.

So the plan is:
1.Not to wake up later than 9 am. I currently have really good routines of waking up early and laying in the bed to noon isn’t good for my mood.

2.Search and apply jobs every day. Use at least 2-3 hours for this.

3.Do exercise daily. That increases the “happiness” hormones in brains. Plus it’s good for my health and self esteem if I manage to loose couple kilos.

4.Meet friends at least 1 or 2 times a week.

5.Talk about what’s in my mind. If the people really love me and care about me, they do have time to listen my troubles. Don’t think that they don’t want to help you or don’t care to hear about it. Don’t keep it all in my head. Often those things I think in my mind feels ridiculous when I say them aloud and I see that those things that I have fear won’t happen. But it’s important to say them, cos otherwise they will just grow big and cause bad feelings.

6.Do fun things every day. Things that I enjoy.

7.Think about places where I could meet new people and be useful. Is there perhaps some voluntary work that I could do?

8.Keep in my mind all the positive things that I have. And remember that eventually everything will work out and I’ll be fine.

9.Don’t stop pursuing my dreams. When things feel impossible, try harder. 20 months ago