stop spending money i don't have.

This has reached boiling point. In fact, it’s boiled over and has spilled all over my lap and burned me. I have to stop spending now only because I’ve got no money left. And when I think that all the dough I dropped could’ve gone to a photography course or something of use like that, it makes me want to kick myself in the ass.

I can’t even say I’ll never do it again, because I could easily walk out the door tomorrow and there will be a gypsy sitting in my courtyard selling handcrafted finger puppets and I’ll somehow convince myself that I need a set of 10 to stop me from biting my cuticles.

I’ve really dug myself into a ditch this time, and with no work on the horizon I have no idea what will become of me.

It’s rather embarassing having to update on this goal when I’m failing so miserably at it, but maybe if I read these entries back to myself they’ll disgust me into ending my behaviour.

I’ve had a flu now for a week but it didn’t stop me from hitting the high street and dropping cash on the latest Dolce & Gabbana scents. I just can’t stop! I need to look into some kind of support group like Alcoholics Anonymous or something of that nature. There’s got to be one for people who spend uncontrollably.

Spend, spend, spend all day long, spend, spend, spend while I sing this song…

Hopeless! I took out a credit card at Accessorize, having convinced myself that the reason I need it is to build credit history in the UK so I can one day get a mortgage. Wow! I’m so amazing at bullshitting that I can even pull the wool over my own eyes.

I bought some clothes over the weekend. This one really floors me because my wardrobe is practically bursting with items. I know I do it because it’s a quick fix and because of poor self-esteem, but I thought that once you recognise a problem the next step is to address it. At least that’s what all those 12 step programs have taught me.

Really blowing this. Thought I would treat myself for my birthday. That treat cost me about 100 quid. It’s prety hopeless.

Not a good weekend for me. I spent a lot more money than I intended. It was mostly on groceries. I had food in the house but I’ve not been in a very creative mood. I just want things I can throw together quickly and easily. In retrospect, I didn’t spend on stupid things. I just spent too much.

Where do I draw the line? I would really like to make some chilli jam today as part of a creative project, but I’m suddenly so stingy that I don’t want to pay the 2 quid it would probably cost to buy the ingredients. Is that being unreasonable? This budgeting thing is all so new to me. I do have a budget of £20 for groceries for the rest of the month, but what I wanted to do was eat down everything in my cupboards. This is turning into a moral dilemma.

Spent the weekend in Glasgow. Paid for the bus ticket here and the ride on the underground and NOTHING else. My partner took care of the food and I feel a lot more accomplished for not having spent money here when Glasgow usually sets me back at least #20. :)

I’m really noticing how much things cost now. £2 for 4 rolls of toilet paper? Who’s butt is that posh. Another £1.40 for a cup of tea but that was worth it to see Billy Connolly browsing the travel section of Waterstones.

I’m meant to be having drinks with friends tonight but I’m feeling really apprehensive about it. Truth is, I really don’t feel like drinking at the moment, but I don’t even want to splurge on a soda. This is a dilemma. How will I have any sort of social life?

It’s my first day on the new budget and already I’m noticing how much things really cost.

I walked into Starbucks today – I don’t like their drinks, but the Starbucks in Edinburgh is beautiful – and found out I would have to pay £5 per hour to use their wi-fi and it cost me £1.40 to buy a regular tea with nothing in it. Normally I wouldn’t even notice the cost until I went over my transactions at the end of the week, but that £1.40 hurt.

I’m keeping a wee diary of all my purchases. I’m hoping it will send shivers down my spine when I look at it at week’s end.