Quit smoking now for good.

didnt think about smoking or smoke today

Today is 3 weeks going strong. The urges have decreased in amount and severity. I have a “mentor” so to speak-and well he’s a cute one-we talk alot about cravings and how to get through them mostly. I want one right now-Im not having one but writing about it instead. Its easy to say I want to quit, its been harder doing it. I am glad I dont have to stop at the gas station anymore, smell bad, spend money, and fit in “smoke breaks” I feel more effecient, and less stressed-believe it or not!

I had moved to this semi disturbed, more glamorous than ever before place. It was a people filled city from and I was a vunerable small town american girl. I was shocked, for this was the first time I felt pretty. I was shocked because I met someone new everyday. I was excited because this was the begining and I was free from what I believed would kill me-a small town mentality.

He was dark and Italian. He was cool because he didnt care what anyone thought. He would chase after me in rain, he would buy me clothes, pick me up in his mercedes, and threw amazing parties. I dont miss him nor his display, but I do remember one life changing day.

I was sitting on the porch after our 5th date and his arm was around me with a lit cirgarette moving back and forth from his mouth, then he would rest it in his hand on his leg. The movement fascinated me. The curiousity led me to a deep never ending battle. I was intriqued that he had this mystery. These things he loved, these past times of his were so not me, and I couldnt get enough. He was talking about his father and his past, it was always something deep we talked about. I couldnt stop thinking how much more we would relate if I was like the girls at his party and had a smoke for him to light. That was the begining of a love affair that killed my innocent girl mentality, that was the begining of my love affair with desire for something that longed to kill me-smoking.

They both represent different things to me and especially in the begining of their relationship. Carrie, heartbroken, bored, frivolous, and consumed with elligiable men in an overload of fashion, muscles, and truly there was an overwhelming amount of them, so much that she really had no choice but to escape this dense reality by smoking-but then comes along Aiden, a genuine, heart warming, deep, cultured man beauty who represents strength, goodness, hope, and something new- he encourages her to feel the leather on the chair he made from a train station, he lets his dog lick her, and he embraces life without holding anything back-he tells Carrie “I dont date girls that smoke” Carrie struggles with this decision to change for a man, but then logic takes hold and she realizes she is more attached to herself, her future, and finding true love that she has the ability to walk away after taking a hard look in the mirror, she too embraces life, has hope again, and gets to date Aiden!!!!!!!!!!!!! okay enough of Sex in the City, watch it if you wanna.

June 6th, 9:31 I guess it was a hard decision, harder than it should be. I feel like I am saying goodbye to a family member or some sort of part of me. When did this nasty addiction weezle its way into being “a part of me”? good question to ask reallY! I mean isnt a part of you when you spent a large portion of your salary towards it, run to it when you’re stressed and have no one to talk to, see it first thing when you wake up, console it after meals, enjoy it when your out on the town, and love it so much that you dont care it might be killing your insides? Thats amazing the power it has over ones being. Its again, a question of mind over matter. Our mind ofcourse being our logical sense able to reason and weigh the pros and cons, and matter our flesh that continues to struggle with desire often times winning hearts of good people. Today I start an adventure, not on my own, but with a God of the universe, my friend Drew, and my journal-this exciting”adventure” (yes thats what I have to call it, something positive and something challenging-hence the name=adventure) will be a journey of stuggle, fun times, self discovery, time for action, and hopefully the end of what should never have became a part of me. Good bye old friend, good bye Robin that smokes, and goodbye to a weakness inside of me that my mind couldnt over power for so long.

I was sitting on the porch smoking what I like to think with every cigarette “my last one” and my husband came out to talk to me about some household stuff. I am always so embarresed to be smoking, I said “Go back inside” he’s like “why?, because Im in my boxers” lol I said “no because Im nasty and smoking” he said he made a new household budget and there’s some spending money for us both but your habit may take up all your spending money for the month. This in addition to my desire to be pregnant, and healthier is another reason to just get rid of the nastiest habit Ive ever had.
Its 11:36 and tomorrow at 11:36 hopefully I can say Day One complete.