Redesign my life - again

I can go days sometimes without seeing anyone or talking on the phone. I have endless quiet. Now that the granbeanie’s family has moved in I have constant chatter.

I’ve given up trying to delude myself into thinking I have any control over anything but my own thoughts and behaviors. I can no more redesign my life than I can hold back a wave at the beach.

My life will be whatever it will.

Bam! The kid’s house is being emptied and they won’t have a place to live for 3-4 months. I can’t post much now as I am so caught up in this but will try to keep you posted. We may just all live together for a while, that’s alright with me, don’t know yet. I’m just glad this happened when they were awake. I shudder to think that I could have lost all three of them to smoke had they been asleep. But all’s well, or what passes for well.

So, I have a job and in another universe it would be considered a good one. And it comes with limited medical benefits which in that same universe wouldn’t be limited, but hey, it’s the best I can do for now so I will go do it.

I will have to keep looking because the above is not enough to sustain life as I know it.

I will have to continue to accept help, which I hate.

I will have to limit myself: no travel to see my daughter, no adopting another dog, no fixing my major physical issues. Some months I will not make my bills. I’m not sure how I will pay my taxes, for instance.

I will again be doing what I am good at: media relations, writing, grants, speaking up for an under-served community and making a difference. I will even get to do some pottery, teaching.

This is my new normal.

I feel like I’m banging my head against a brick wall with this goal. I wonder, “Am I not trying hard enough?” Then I find the stacks of letters I’ve sent out, the resumes I’ve revised and revised again, the memos about job fairs I’ve attended, the portfolio that always surprises me with its great content. I remember that I’ve taken every job offered until they’ve petered out, that I’ve danced as fast as possible to music I can hardly hear.

I remember that I did as everyone seems to advise: “Follow your passion. The money will come.” What came was disability.

As I enter my fifth year of unemployment my life looks very different: no medical insurance, no salary, no savings left, and my outlook has changed too, in important ways. I think I am less hopeful, more realistic and I’ve been forced to take life one day at a time. I wish life were ours to design or redesign at will but I wonder if, at some point, that option is off the table.

I’d like to hear your opinions.

I have this dog, Clark. He’s a big, powerful animal. I rescued him from the street. He’d been dumped by someone. He is still – after 6 years – afraid of people, even my granbeanie, even my “dog whisperer” SO. I cannot reliably get him to come into the house, though he will come in sometimes, no pattern, except for truly cold nights in the winter. He hasn’t had his shots in years, not since the only home vet here went out of business. He’s gentle with my cat when indoors but outside, where he spends 99% of his time, he will kill small animals in my yard. I’ve seen him catch birds out of the air. In the last few days he’s obviously killed something and dragged it under my studio and it stinks but I cannot see or get at whatever it is to bury it. This has disturbed me on so many levels I can’t even describe it.

I believe it is only a matter of time before he gets really sick from something he kills. He’s taken out two raccoons and they are known rabies carriers.

He doesn’t have much of a life, just sleeping under my studio and prowling the yard. At one time I thought I’d get another outside dog to keep him company but I was cautioned that rather than helping socialize Clark that could backfire and create essentially two feral dogs in my yard.

I have tried really hard to reassure him, to leash-train him, to little avail. He trusts me, sort of, but no one else. I can’t afford to offer a vet the kind of money they want to make a home visit. I just don’t have it. Even if I could get one to come, I have no way of producing the dog once the vet is here.

And this killing field thing is making me sick. I know it’s natural behavior for dogs, who are natural predators, but not only does it hurt my heart to find dead animals every other day, but it’s not healthy and if he’s now taking them under my studio, that’s preventing me from working.

Any ideas my animal-loving friends?

Comes with a “stipend” not a salary so I will have to get a job to support my job! I’ve applied to a retail store here and if they bite I’ll try for nights and weekends with them. And if I can clear up the on-going fraud with my business I might actually sell some pottery again.

So the redesign of my life looks like a lot of work, but I’m not complaining.

On the one hand I want a job, any job. On the other I want to take into consideration the pain that standing, walking, desktop computers and lifting cause.

I can feel it. I just don’t know what it is yet.

As I don’t have the resources to actually do any of this I just want to “play pretend” as the granbeanie might say.

I think if I were to redesign my life it would look very different than my life now. I would move, either to the Southwest or up in the mountains somewhere not too far north of here. The next big question is “with whom?” That’s hard. I don’t want to leave my granbeanie or my SO and I do so miss my other daughter in AZ. My SO could never stand the hot, dry, sandy Southwest. He’d love to move to Washington but I can’t take that climate. The mountains near here might work. Of course that would require a lot of selling of homes and workshops on both our parts.

But … if I could, I think I’d have a larger workshop with just an attached apartment. Right now I have too much living area and not enough workspace. (Of course I’m assuming I’ll be able to work.) My SO and I would need some separate living spaces anyway. He’s wonderful. I love him and he loves me but we’re two people who have each lived alone a very long time. We keep toying with the idea of merging but we’d need something that looks less like a traditional home and more like adjoining hotel suites!

And then there are our pets. He still has four dogs but one probably won’t last much longer. I have two and a cat. These two groups won’t merge, especially not his dogs and my cat. I’m open to ideas here if anyone wants to jump in.

Stuff I can part with, people and pets are harder. All I know is that I’m stuck in yesterday’s life somehow an I have to break free.

It didn’t matter how much sleep I needed I was up at 6:30 by the latest because I had to go to work – a 25-mile commute. Then I got my doggies and Honey was a little creature of habit. Didn’t matter if it was Saturday or a holiday, she was on the job at 6:30, doing her pogo stick routine by the side of my bed yipping and jumping until I got up. Then she fell ill and couldn’t quite manage the routine daily. She’d try. She’d come over to my bed a just put her front paws on the rail and yip. Then that became too hard; then of course she died. Mom, too, would never let me sleep beyond 7:30. If I ever tried she’d walk in my room and demand to know if I was sick. Of course she died shortly after Honey, which left me with just BJ and crazy Clark. BJ never made demands in the morning but after Honey died he started having to get up during the night to go out. I’ve adapted and now go to bed about midnight since that’s when he usually has to go and then I’m up again (on a good night) around 5 after which I can sleep till whenever.

Last night BJ spent the night with the dogsitter since I was at the granbeanie’s. So I could sleep the night through and rise late as well. It’s always so quiet when that happens. No yapping pogo stick, no demanding mother, no old dog needing me, just the birds outside announcing the day.