go to a therapist

So, I do not yet have a job that can support seeing a psychologist. I had intended to go to grief therapy when I could afford it, but I think that, in this stage of the grieving process, I still have some things to address, but I no longer want to spend many therapy sessions devoted specifically to discussing my Mom’s death. However, I have joined a support group to learn to manage my drinking habits (not AA…I’m taking a different approach). I know it may seem like a separate issue, and it is, but it is also deeply entwined with my grieving process in many ways. So, I feel like I am making progress.

As the prospect of graduation becomes real (2 more months), I am looking forward to getting a job…any job at all…that has full benefits. It doesn’t have to be perfect, just palatable. Whatever it may be, it won’t be permanent. I am just looking forward to developing a normal schedule, having the luxury of seeing a doctor, and being able to go home in the evening and work on an art project or read a book of my own choosing. I can’t wait.

I feel like I am getting too personal, but the good thing about the internet is that nobody is really listening. I can say what’s on my mind and just be done with it. Its like lancing a wound.
The truth is, since Mom died, I very often wish I could just shoot myself in the face. I won’t, of course, but its not a good feeling.

I feel like I am going on and on….but its lonely sometimes. No- All the time. I can’t talk to anyone about my feelings, because then, I’m, “that person…” a real bummer. I am exhausted from acting happy all the time, just so I can have friends around me, because I can’t do this by myself. That is not to say that I am not very fortunate. I have wonderful friends and three wonderful sisters. It is just to say that my grief is an overwhelming burden that I cannot share.
You’d think I would be used to it by now, but nope. I just keep myself distracted. When the reality rears her ugly head on occasion, that my Mom…that I will never see her again? Even just then, it did not seem real. It is hard to accept. It is devastating.

I don’t like to speak about my feelings with people, but this venue feels blissfully anonymous…like I’m speaking to everyone and no one at the same time.
This is my first Christmas without my Mom. It makes my throat feel tight and my gut ache. Everything reminds me of her…even funny little socks.
I went to a party tonight and we played a board game called, “Loaded Questions.” One of the questions was something to the effect of, “What would be an inappropriate thing to do at a funeral?” I lost my sense of humor at that point, though I think I covered it up well. The last thing I want to think about is my Mom’s funeral. While everyone else was making jokes about how it would be inappropriate to fuck the corpse, or whatever…I was not thinking about a faceless corpse, or how funny it would be to behave in a disrespectful way…or laughing at the absurdity, even. I remembered my Mom, her face white, with her bangs just the way Daisy wanted them, and the four little roses she held in her hands. And I knew that, even though no one else could see, she was wearing little, red Mary Jane shoes.
How’s that for, “I don’t wear my heart on my sleeve,” like my profile says…but this is sometimes too much. I miss my Mom all the time…and even 7-months later, I sometimes forget that I can’t call her right up. I wished so much that she would just rush up to me at the store the other day, but she didn’t…and its hard to believe that she won’t.
I have her little Christmas tree, and its hard to turn on the lights. I wanted to be festive.

Well- I haven’t gone to an actual therapist yet, but I have taken some steps towards grieving in a more healthy way. I have not been drinking for the past month and a half, and although I am still struggling with grief every day, the decision to abstain from alcohol has really made the process more manageable.
I also made a point to discuss my situation with my professors. That was something I was not naturally inclined to do, because I don’t like discussing my personal business with people (writing this entry doesn’t count, b/c I don’t see anyone here). However, I have learned from experience that professors are pretty accommodating for the most part, if you communicate with them. It also helped, because I needed to confront the issue…say it out loud. My Mom is dead. It sounds morbid, but its something you have to learn to do. Ultimately, its good for you.
Also, I’m getting a dog. I bring the sweet little guy home in a week. Okay, he’s not a therapist…but, I find his presence comforting.

My Mom died in May. I have not been handling it well. As long as I am around people, I can usually keep myself together. However, every now and then, I can’t keep it bottled up, and I lash out at people. I don’t see it coming, so it is hard to prevent the behavior. It embarrasses me, and it drives people away when I need them the most. When I am by myself, it is unbearable. I am sad and angry all the time. I am confused and scared. I have trouble focusing on the tasks I need to get done. I am not interested in anything. I have trouble sleeping unless I drink, and drinking is evidently not a good combination with grief. I am resistant to therapy, because the courts ordered my sisters and I to go to therapy when my parents got divorced, and the therapists were real pains in the ass. Nonetheless, it seems like it is time for me to compromise and give this more healthy form of grieving a chance. Otherwise, I don’t know what to do. I am experiencing somewhat of a meltdown.

i might try to find someone else…not sure if we are a good fit, but it certainly is a HUGE step in the right direction.

i never imagined my insurance would cover it but appartenlty it does. yes!! i can affort it. it is so good to have a totaly impartial observer help me rethink,er, the way i think. im going to ggo every weekfora while.

...me see things that I can’t see myself.