stop being so sad

Not sure what to do with this one. I got a new job and hate it. I don’t really hear from friends anymore. One moved away a while back and has stopped calling/returning calls. Another met a guy and never wants to spend time away from him. I met up with an acquaintance but it has yet to amount to much of a friendship.

I suddenly feel like doing something of which I’ve always dreamed but was too afraid to ever pursue. But I’m three months into this awful job and I’m not sure I could leave gracefully. So yeah, kinda sucking at not being sad.

I have been sad for quote a while. most recently, fo rht epast 2 1/2 years, it has been because of a bad/unhealthy relationship that I have been in. The relationship took me through a cycle of highs( when I would see him and we were on good terms) and lows (when he was not speaking to me and was pursuing other people). I am hurting so much right now. I jsut want to be hapy but I am having trouble seeing a way out of this. It is beyond just this relationship but the relationship has been the catalyst for my misery. I really don’t want to go through this anymore, I want out.

I’m feeling lonely today. This isn’t good. I never know what to do when this happens.

I’ve not exactly been feeling all that great lately. Been a prolonged feeling. I know it might be depression, it might be to do with the situation I am in, it might be hormones.. whatever.

But I’m ready to smile even though it hurts a lot.

I don’t want to be a sad person.

I have so much to do and so much more to give..

Feeling this way will not help me.

I am a positive nice person, I’ve come a long way.. I just need to make feeling happy a habit..

It’s what we choose to feel.

I choose not to feel sad.

I’m giving up for now.

Maybe a month ago, I wrote that my grandmother was in a coma in the hospital. The bad news is that she died two weeks ago.

I was never that close to her. She lived on the other side of the world, didn’t really speak English. Still, it makes me sad because I’ll never really understand death. It’s always surprising, it’s always shocking, it doesn’t make it any easier if the person was old. You never get used to it. It makes me sad that someone lost their life and a couple of days later, we move on, just like that.

I’ll never get used to it.

I am so sad. I was disowned from my family for dating a man not of their religion. He lives eight hours away, and when I go to see him every couple of months I am so happy. But then I come home to my little apartment all alone without my community and family. I have given everything up for him but I don’t have him yet, not until we marry and I move to where he is. I try to get out and do things, but some weekends I just can’t stop crying. Because I miss him, because I miss what I had before, because I am lonely. I have to find a way to be happy even when I’m not with him.

Lately, things haven’t been so good lately. My dog was diagnosed with cancer and my family refused to treat him due to the cost and his age. But I couldn’t not do anything, so I’ve been taking him to treatment and paying for all the expenses.

My grandmother fell into a coma last week. She’s in the hospital. She lives oversees, half a world away, and there’s not much we can do for her here, except hang onto hope.

I’m still stuck at my dead-end temp job, it’s boring, it doesn’t pay well, and I’m tired of being treated badly. But no one quits without a plan, and right now I don’t have one.

I could feel myself sinking, who wouldn’t give the circumstances? I called a hotline, I tried a site for penpals – just wanted to do something other than be alone. But that’s all temporary help, I wish I could get something or someone more permenant.

Luckily, it has gotten better, sort-of. My dog’s prognosis has been positive, his cancer has been receding, and my grandmother responded to drugs and regained some consciousness yesterday. So this week I still feel sad…just trying to keep things together…

i am sad as i write this entry.

I feel the most alone when i’m surrounded by people, isn’t that strange? I hate it when people assume what a good girl i am, i guess because i keep my mouth shut all the time. They don’t wonder what would come out if i did open my mouth. And they don’t care either. I only go for half a day, but that’s enough to make me feel like shit for a good three hours afterwards.