be okay

i guess i’m okay.

it’s not just a river in Egypt, it’s a freakin’ ocean.
so how do you keep from drowning in it?

- from grey’s anatomy.

“i remember being told early on in my army career that discomfort and pain won’t last forever, but that the pride of doing something that other people can’t do will.”

- bear grylls for vogue.

that’s okay. i don’t care what you think. go ahead, laugh. i am finally okay. i am okay. i am free and he’s not my problem anymore. i should have let him go months ago.

i’ve been thinking a lot and i realized that i haven’t actually loved him since probably the very beginning of august. and that was a very minimal love. i was distraught on my birthday when i told him i loved him. i was upset and felt terrible about being twenty and about putting dan in an awkward position all night. so i went to his house and we cuddled and had nice birthday sex. then we were just laying in the dark and i started to cry. i asked him if he “loved me today” and he said yes. then i said, “i love you too”. i don’t even know why. it probably wasn’t true. i wasn’t happy with him all of the time. i was happy when we were alone and he was being cute or if we were cuddling. i wasn’t happy when we were with other people. i wasn’t happy when we had nothing to say. i wasn’t happy when i should have been. and neither was he. i should have let him go in september.

i think i was holding on to the physical part of our relationship. i often thought we were friends with benefits, only without the friendship. and they were good benefits. until they weren’t. until he avoided it. until he made excuses. i should have let him go then. but no. i continued to hang on. and to what? at one point, i hadn’t even spoken to him in over a week, i believe. we barely even talked on msn. and this wasn’t my fault at all. i was definitely making the effort.

but he is a coward and always will be. he couldn’t stand to tell me in person that he was finished with me. he said once, “it took me like two weeks to ask you out. it’d take a year to break up with you in person.” what the fuck is wrong with you? who does that. he avoided me and kept me wondering. he finally said it on msn. he told me that he was making me hate him on purpose. normal people do not do this. i still wouldn’t let go. why wouldn’t i let go? i have no idea. i guess i didn’t want to stop feeling close to someone. but really, we haven’t been close since the summer. and why would i want to be with someone who didn’t even like me? someone who is completely incapable of telling the truth and of loving anyone? someone who is as immature as he is? please grow up.

i wish i could rewind this so that i could have broken up with him. i wish i was stronger then. i wish i was in control. now i am seemingly the weak one. the pathetic one. the one who wouldn’t let go. well fuck, i’m letting go now.

i was thinking last week or the week before that i feel extremely sorry for his next girlfriend because she won’t know what he is really like until after he is finished with her. but i guess i don’t have to feel sorry since she already knows. actually, i do feel sorry. you deserve each other. this is where you send him the link. this is where you laugh. go ahead. you two are pathetic.

i don’t know what happened. i was okay all weekend.

i told my mom that i needed help. that i need medication. that i can’t do this anymore. i showed her my cuts and now i am sleeping in the living room because she thinks i’ll do it again tonight. and i would have.

she’s always said that i’ll get over it. that it’s just how i am. that i can get through it.

i think of my sister’s stupid little friends that hate their lives and who compete for the prescription for the antidepressant with the coolest sounding name. i think how lame they are and how i don’t want to have anything in common with them. i think that i am stronger than them.

i think of those people who can’t feel anything. who are basically zombies with no emotions. who are so medicated that it’s not even worth it. i think of garden state.

i think of having to talk with someone. someone in real life. using my voice and actually forming the words. i dont want to do that. im okay with talking to people on the internet. i can think of responses easier and they probably sound more intelligent too. they dont have to see me. i dont have to see them. i dont have to imagine how they eat breakfast or how they buttoned up their shirt or who they slept with the night before. i cant talk to people in real life.

i just want medication to show up next to my computer so i can sit here and be okay.

i will never be okay.
i should just give up on this goal.
but i guess i want us to be okay, so i will keep it until we are.

if you still aren’t happy and if you’re still lonely, then what is the point of this? i wish we could just stay how we were. i’m not giving up hope, although i should.
i want to be okay. i want you to be okay with me. i want us to be okay and normal and on good speaking terms. i want to be able to watch movies and shows and be kind of happy together. i don’t know if i’ll be okay without that.

As exciting as I should be, I AM SCARED. I cry myself to sleep sometimes, thinking about the fact that I might not be as close to the people I am with at this moment. I don’t want things to change. As much as I keep positive about everything, there’s still that little sadness lingering in me. I guess it’s only human, but still.

I need a hug.

I just don’t want the mood swings anymore the manic euphoria one hour and the deep depression the next. I just want to have “steady feelings” for once, without the use of meds. For the sake of my kids and husband…. it would be nice to always know that Mommy is going to be in a “good mood” instead of “what is it today”? Please help me. help help help help help help help help help help help help help help