I have been unable to sleep on my own for God knows how long. I can’t stand the thought of anyone else leaving me since I was 5 and my mother died. I live at home with my Dad and I have all that anyone could ask for really…I love my boyfriend and I feel like I always need him around. He isn’t allowed to live here though because there is no way he could come up with the money. My dad loves him and I love him but I just can’t stop myself from pushing everyone away. I don’t want to get up and the morning and be reminded constantly that I have nothing “constructive” to do with my time. I would rather just take any kind of pill at this point to put me to sleep but I CANT give up on myself. I know I shouldn’t fear love but I cant stop pushing it away. I was given effexor by my doctor to handle my anxiety….and I guess depression. Although, I can’t remember ever feeling so depressed before. I find myself thinking the worst in everyone and hating the sun for rising. I CANT stop crying and being angry at the world for not being fair. I’m going to literally drive myself insane if I try to continue on like this. 21 months ago
virushead
completed this goal
How I did it: Decided to try - let down defenses. Meta-dialogue to put fears and misgivings and insecurities on hold or bracketed-out enough to see caring as a gift and to accept it as such. Read how I did it… 2 years ago
1 cheer . Comment
living a life where everyone you have loved and put your trust in has let you down. later in life this is so hard to accomplish. you have to stay conscious of the things you do to sabotage yourself. accepting love shouldn’t be this difficult. i wish i really knew how to do something that i have truly hoped for for so long. 5 years ago
is probably more accurate. In any case, I’m not very good at either.
I should probably give up on this goal. I’ll give until the end of the summer and if there is no improvement, then I will give it up. 5 years ago
The goal I need to work most on. Then again, isn’t it just suppose to just fall into place….or is this one of those things you have to work at? I have no idea…
I suppose the part that I would need to work on is to come to the realization(or acceptance) that letting someone love me or me loving someone does not mean compromising my independence.
Or something like that… 5 years ago
