become a better conversationalist

I used to always clam up doing conversations. Sometimes I wouldn’t know what to say, and sometimes I’d stop myself from saying something for fear of sounding stupid. And I couldn’t initiate the conversation to save my life.

Although I still get stuck on quiet moments, I’ve been forcing myself to ask more questions of people, and relate more of my own knowledge and personal experiences. While I’m still far from a great conversationalist, it’s been fun. I guess it helps that I’m a journalism major – having to interview people for school assignments is a great exercise, and being interested in world events and the news gives me a lot more to talk about.

Part of the problem with my social anxiety is that I have a hard time conversing with others. I wish I was more outgoing, but more importantly I wish I was more comfortable when talking. So, I figure that if I practice becoming a better conversationalist, and learn what/how to say things, I’ll become more relaxed.

i’m stuck between shy girl and outgoing girl.
i’ve always been afraid of change, i want to WANT change.
i want to try new things without holding back.
i want to amaze people after the first 5 minutes of meeting them.

I might not start a conversation, but I can hold one.

I’m beginning to think that the major problem with my conversational skills is not that I have nothing worthwhile to say. Indeed, I know far more about a wide number of random topics (politics, music, science, history) than pretty much everyone I know. I know strange and odd facts about pretty much any topic at hand other than sports. I’m thinking that it’s really the nonverbal stuff that is torpedoing my conversations.

Yesterday, I did a little experiment. I went to a happy hour at a bar I’ve never been to before and where I knew no one. And I talked to them. I decided I had two goals. Firstly, I would try to speak louder. Secondly, I would make eye contact with the people I was talking to. I tried to gaze into their eyes or at least look at their face.

I discovered two things. Firstly, a lot of other people can’t make eye contact with me. I had an entire conversation with a woman and she spent most of the conversation staring off to the side. I had another conversation with a different woman, and she started off avoiding it but later started making it. I had some conversations with guys, and they were better but many of them got distracted by the sports playing on the TV. Secondly, I discovered that when I focused on how the other person was reacting by looking at their face, I completely forgot how I was reacting. Nearly all my anxiety went away and I became distinctly aware of other people’s discomfort or insecurity. I’m going to try this again for a few weeks and see if it gets me anywhere.

well… this is kind of like the quit smoking thing where there’s always room for improvement. One key, I’ve found, is to try not to draw lines between myself and others – to see myself as part of whatever group I’m in.

Also, I’ve found paying attention to mannerisms of other individuals in a particular group can be helpful in conforming to personas fit the situaion/group better(as long as they aren’t distasteful or unethical).

Lastly, I think liking poeple goes a long ways- and usually, there’s something in everyone to like.

I think I’ve come a long ways on this goal.

I’ve always been somewhat anti-social. This is a combination of shyness and snottiness. Too shy to approach strangers and too snotty to give people a chance. With such an attitude, I guess I haven’t had much practice.

Having worked in customer service for so long, I’m aware of how to be pleasant, but not so good with social situations/groups.

I have a negative view of the nature of people. I think learning to be more social and a better conversationalist can help change my view that people are greedy and ignorant.

There are a lot of cool people in the word with interesting lives and lessons to share. I would like to enrich my life through the experience of others.

The trickiest part in practice has been finding a balance between taking too much of an analytical approach to social situations and maintaining my zen (instinct or flow).

Communication is so complex and there are so many subtleties. I’m excited to practice.

that I have no problem jumping out of a plane/bridge and doing the most daring things but my greatest fears are losing my independence and just talking/connecting with others.

I joined toastmasters and have avoided the icebreaker for awhile. One of the organizers have been a bit sneaky to the point of trying to add me to rooster when I told her twice to keep me off until I was ready but she wouldn’t let up (Huge pet peeve? I don’t like to be pushed – Will have to talk to her about asking me to do speeches rather than telling me that she’s put me on the rooster.) Anyway. Doing the icebreaker regardless(I’m so tempted to cancel it but this is for me).

Actually cried thinking about it a little today(that’s how crazy this fear is. Jeez :) all this drama for talking in front of an audience) but like everything else I’ll just….jump?

Wow okay so someone the other day actually asked if I would join them for a coffee. And I don’t know what came over me, but it was a real genuine offer from a european guy and I thought “Why the heck not?”. I don’t know what coffee leads to, because I never got asked for coffee before. I hope it doesn’t mean “lets hook up later” lol because seriously I would do more of that conversation of coffee situation with just about anyone!!

I still can’t start a conversations. And to me, building a conversation is like the creation of the first fire. It builds gradually and sometimes doesn’t happen lol. Sometimes you got a flame, then it dies. I wish I wasn’t shy, and didn’t use my best friend as a safety net. (He’s bold, outgoing, hilarious and when I’m with him I’m more that way too.)

1. Make eye contact
2. Speak clearly and audibly
3. Speak at good pace
4. Use language and images familiar to the listener
5. Stick to the topic
6. Know when to speak and when to listen
7. Express an interest in what’s being said
8. Ask open-ended questions to promote communication
9. Be prepared (interesting and full of information and experiences)
10. Model someone whose conversational skills you admire

from matilijapress.com