I’m pretty sure I know what I want. I know what I don’t want – and tht’s probably the most important part. So, I know that I am not permanently attached to the soul-sucking nature of corporate culture. I know I want to be an artistic person. If it has an element of business – then good. ‘Cause I like a little math. But mostly, I like to create and to be myself. So there. I have awoken to life, to the fact that I don’t have to do what family expects of me (I will do better!! Ah-harg!) – I kinda knew this all along, but I had to make myself belief it – to trust myself. Now I think I do. I’ll believe it even more when I throw myself out into the West, arms flailing trying to find a spot to land. Well, I’m pretty sure I’ll land upright and I’ll know what to do. And that just feels sooooooo good. To finally know that it will be ok, that I don’t have to escape reality by tuning it out mentally. I don’t want to be just a lifeless lump on the face of the Earth!
People doing this are also doing these things:
Entries
The other day my boyfriend said that it is no wonder we are tired all the time and slow and pessimistic at times. We’re depressed. I laugh when I say this because I know I like to think (a lot) but I never really think of myself as depressed. I guess I am. We aren’t happy. We love each other and love spending time together, but our life is killing us. It’s like we are barely making it. We don’t have any time to spend together, yet we sleep in the same bed. Both of us are busy at work (or me at school) and by the time we come home, we have to clean, cook or do something house-related. Cooking takes me about an hour for a simple, but decent meal – wow, then it’s almost time for bed, but I stay up, trying to put some stuff on ebay or clean up a little around the house. He’s always busy, too – We just plop down in bed, no goodnight kiss, no nothing – too tired. I’ve been sick each weekend for the past 2 weekends and I can’t remember the last time we actually did IT. (oh how I miss it.) Ususally on the weekends, we like to stay in bed and can and just hang out together – it’s nice because it’s like we can escape from everything and just laugh and let go…
I guess life is never easy, but we spend so much time on stupid things, like laundry. We have to haul it out of the house, then come home all stinky from cigarette smoke and our clothes and towels smell like burnt toast from the old dryers. Maybe I complain a lot. I am doing somethign about it. It just feels like there is all this pressure that holds us down, we’re struggling to get free. We want it so bad, just to be able to relax for once. But I think it will all get better after December.
I feel sometimes as if I’m sleepwalking. I want to break free and take charge. I don’t like to mope around and waste time. This weekend was good practice. It felt really nice to be organized and wack away half of my to-do list before school starts!
I think I need to rest some, though. I always feel that there are not enough hours in the day to accomplish everything I want to accomplish. I think I need to work on time management skills, too though. We’ll see.
I have recently been accused of not being awake. This is somewhat true. I feel so energyless and used up. I wake up, go to work, then come home and sleep. I almost don’t care how I look and often I go into work with just a pair of khakis and shirt thrown on with my hair pulled back. I daydream through work, wondering if it is time to go home. It’s an awful way to live. AWFUL. So I will make myself wake up. I think this is one of the reasons why I have so many “wishes” on my list. (Self-esteem, letting things go, working out, taking better care of myself, etc…)
Yesterday I made myself drag my boyfriend and me out into our apartment complex’s pool. It was very nice. We swam laps, which beats sleeping. Especially since the sun was still out. I felt like I had accomplished something yesterday. I had a little more energy. Then we decided to rest and we played some video games and ate just a tad of ice cream. It was a nice change from the mundane.
Today, I want us to do laundry and once we get that out of the way I wanted to sit down with my boyfriend and make a list of things we would like to accomplish this weekend. Nothing crazy and too difficult. I thought we could go somewhere fun, somewhere we haven’t been for a day. Just to make it feel like we’re doing something. I think (or hope) that that’s how people do it – that’s how they make it through times like these!
k.
