get over my abandonment issues with my dad

I hate that when a guy shows even an ounce of attention to me, I can’t simply take it or leave it. I pine for that guy who doesn’t even bother to call, throws out scraps, or altogether disappears.

Moreover, I expect every guy I date will leave.

I’ve been single since April, and while I want to be that independent, self-sufficient, devil-may-care, don’t-need-anyone-to-define-or-validate me kind of woman, I’m sometimes reduced to this mess.

It’s so incredibly stupid and obnoxious. I’m sorry to be so annoying.

I read some old blog posts from almost six years ago. Man. I was so frustrated and angry with my father for such a long time. He dished out quite a bit of judgement and ‘parental wisdom’ (I say that sarcastically. Heh.) and for whatever reason, I was pretty reactive to that shit.

Nowadays, I have somewhat of a ‘better’ relationship with my dad, but it often feels like it’s all pretty superficial. I don’t know. What constitutes a normal father-daughter relationship anyway? I don’t hate him, though some believe I should. I don’t like him sometimes, because he can be a real narcissistic asshole, but at the end of the day, he’s my dad, and he’s a part of who I am, for better or worse.

I go through these cycles of anger, indifference, and acceptance, and not always in that order. Now that he lives over a thousand miles away, I get triggered less. What bothers me is that it gets transfered to my relationships. I expect indifference, broken promises and eventual abandonment. I get zen about it every now and again, but somewhere along the way to some semblance of normalcy and contentment, I wonder when the hell I’m finally going to be above all this.

Suddenly he wants to act like a father, dispensing unsolicited advice as if he knew what the hell he’s talking about, and he makes it all about him.

Damn it.