keep my heart open

I’m slowly learning that keeping my heart open doesn’t mean I turn my judgment off. I can still be open to people and experiences to come in while noticing and filtering out all that is doing me harm.

This is currently my most cheered goal, so people must think it is important. So do I, but I have some questions to reflect on.

Is this to be accomplished in every second, in all situations, with all people? In any situation when I am tempted to close my heart, is that the moment to keep it open? There are many aspects of my life that I’m currently tempted to give up on. Is the answer to simply keep my heart open to them? Is there any downside to one with an open heart? Is this intellectualizing about living from the heart? What does my heart say about all this? Is my heart in fact open? Is this goal co-opting my heart’s wisdom, forcing something? Would this goal be better called, Honor My Heart’s Wisdom?

I guess this goal is an experiment in choosing to keep one’s heart open at all times.

I’ve done all I can to consciously keep my heart open through the past several weeks of great change, I recognize now that I am ‘un-numbing’. Now that things are in place and it is time to start to adjust to the new reality, I am slowly being allowed back to experiencing the deeper emotions.

I wonder if that means that my heart still did close.

I guess there is only so much I can control with this.
I suppose I am only allowed to experience as much as I can handle at a given time, no matter what my own personal agenda may be.

I am getting a bit better at “hellos and goodbyes”...

that I’m somewhat afraid of people who haven’t been humbled by life.

But I also realize that is quite judgemental.

People who don’t struggle, or who haven’t ‘overcome’ just make me nervous if we get close. It is like they know a whole different side to life, and also don’t understand hardship.

Intellectually, I do know it is good to have’stabilizing’ people, though… so I hope I can keep getting more comfortable with this…

It’s hard to stay positive when confronted with negative people, situations, etc. I want to keep my heart open so that I can make conscious and wise choices in life. Keeping your heart open is staying awake!

I’m going to make it a point to laugh for a couple of minutes at the start of the day, after I meditate. I tried this today – just laughing, for no reason, and even though there was nothing funny going on. It still inspired feelings of bliss – it gets the endorphins flowing. Good for keeping the heart open…

I had been experiencing some conflict about something as simple (?) as… thanking city bus drivers for the ride upon leaving a bus. It seemed for a while like a trite, commonplace act that really went nowhere and was more a nuisance to me, and possibly to the bus driver, perhaps because I was looking for something back from him/her and grew frustrated when they didn’t respond the way I would have liked. I was giving thanks to get. Eventually I stopped trying, which didn’t feel to good either. My heart was closed.

Establishing this goal changed me and now thanking bus drivers comes easily. I’m simply keeping my heart open and not expecting any particular response. That makes the situation much easier, for me and possibly for the bus driver too, who I allow the space to be who they are, whether that means giving a perfunctory response, no response, or a genuine response. After all, I would be lost without public transportation in my daily life. I genuinely appreciate it.

It may seem peculiar to be pursuing the goal to keep one’s heart open with complete strangers, but, hey, I have no romantic involvement, so I have to pursue this in other contexts.

oh boy

This can be difficult when your heart is completely shattered by a boy you thought cared. 14 months and it takes a good week for him to find someone new. Sucks to be me, haha.
Funny to read those entries from before when I was trying to be more open. Well I’d finally succeeded and eventually I loved him too much. I loved him more, much more than he could imagine loving me. And that’s when he said it didn’t feel right anymore. bye.

Oh well, nothing to do but keep trying.