keep my heart open

At my residence there is a man who has talked to me every time he sees me for years. I have a reserved nature but have allowed this to go on. He is still telling me about his life and otherwise engaging me whenever our path’s cross. I am tired of this, but I realize that when I do interact, my heart is open, even though I do little to prolong our conversations (which are mostly monologues on his part). So, I’m successfully pursuing this goal, but somehow there seems to be something else going on that needs addressing, I think… I believe that on some tacit level I am resisting him, and, well, you know, what you resist persists.

This goal, in its nature, is largely internal for me and currently entails forgiving people (in my mind) who, for whatever reason, I feel resentment or dislike towards. Once, may not be enough. It may call for repeated forgiveness and I am willing to engage in that process.

The challenge, for me, is knowing how to handle the negativity – drown it in forgiveness, will that work? Simply release it, will that work? I don’t want to deny an essential part of my nature, but, it would seem that if I didn’t spend too much time watering the negativity with attention then it will become unimportant in my psychic makeup. Am I just avoiding uncomfortable feelings with this process? I’m not sure… this is tricky!

BOY

At a meeting, someone launched into a negative, victim-oriented framing of a particular tough situation we were going through. Rather than opposing the person with a positive spin on things, I let it go, letting them have permission to be on the planet as they are. I kept my heart open, I think… I need to allow people to express negativity without jumping on it, and thereby allow my own to be, in an open-hearted space.

I had a breakthrough with this goal in relation to someone who is part of the project I am involved with, who frequently calls me, out of loneliness, I guess, and goes over the same concerns about his personal life every time. In the past, I have begrudgingly listened while I silently bemoaned this unwanted intrusion into my life.

However, this time I was inspired by an idea that occurred to me to put a smile on my face when talking to him. This immediately changed my inner state and feeling about the conversation. He loosened up and actually told me something new and interesting about his life. Afterward, I felt great that I was able to break out of the negative feelings I had about this person’s calling me. I opened my heart a bit and it felt wonderful. Now I don’t care if he calls me, and even look forward to it. I can use it to practice this goal!

I can think of a few other people in my life with whom I can practice opening my heart wider...

I’m slowly learning that keeping my heart open doesn’t mean I turn my judgment off. I can still be open to people and experiences to come in while noticing and filtering out all that is doing me harm.

This is currently my most cheered goal, so people must think it is important. So do I, but I have some questions to reflect on.

Is this to be accomplished in every second, in all situations, with all people? In any situation when I am tempted to close my heart, is that the moment to keep it open? There are many aspects of my life that I’m currently tempted to give up on. Is the answer to simply keep my heart open to them? Is there any downside to one with an open heart? Is this intellectualizing about living from the heart? What does my heart say about all this? Is my heart in fact open? Is this goal co-opting my heart’s wisdom, forcing something? Would this goal be better called, Honor My Heart’s Wisdom?

I guess this goal is an experiment in choosing to keep one’s heart open at all times.

I’ve done all I can to consciously keep my heart open through the past several weeks of great change, I recognize now that I am ‘un-numbing’. Now that things are in place and it is time to start to adjust to the new reality, I am slowly being allowed back to experiencing the deeper emotions.

I wonder if that means that my heart still did close.

I guess there is only so much I can control with this.
I suppose I am only allowed to experience as much as I can handle at a given time, no matter what my own personal agenda may be.

I am getting a bit better at “hellos and goodbyes”...

that I’m somewhat afraid of people who haven’t been humbled by life.

But I also realize that is quite judgemental.

People who don’t struggle, or who haven’t ‘overcome’ just make me nervous if we get close. It is like they know a whole different side to life, and also don’t understand hardship.

Intellectually, I do know it is good to have’stabilizing’ people, though… so I hope I can keep getting more comfortable with this…