ask for what I want

I want to have 2 specific conversations. But I’m too scared to initiate them.

I failed by postponing and not asking immediately.

I should have told Mr. P that there was no way I was going to be able to go for a meeting on that day as soon as I found out. But, I was too timid to ask him to reschedule and then the day of when I missed it and the day after I couldn’t face him to ask still. Thus, when I did today he … seemed to resent me for it and although I’ve just met him I don’t blame him. He reluctantly penciled me in for five minutes today. I kept going over it in my head (the reaction he gave me and my response—how I could have explained it better) and I was covertly in a bad mood.

Now, I shouldn’t see his bad reaction as conformation for my fear of confronting but rather what happens when I don’t immediately confront someone. I doubt negative reinforcement works with me but hopefully this will serve as a kick in the butt for the future.

So far we’ve had two quizzes in math and I actually asked questions about things I wasn’t sure of. (And guess what? I’m actually doing pretty good in math so far this year! I think the material is just a lot more simple so I can handle it for once.) During the first quiz, I went up to him and asked if I should be doing it like the model and confirming helped me change some of my answers to the right ones. Also, a few minutes before the last quiz I thought of some last minute things I wasn’t sure about and I asked him. I also worked through the problems during the quiz. I didn’t experience anxiety or helplessness.

It is tough for me to confront people but you just have to jump right in. So I crossed off the hardest thing on my to-do list today and left her a message to change my schedule. Now I’m going to be less stressed, more passionate about one class instead of half-heartily doing both, and I’ll probably be a lot more successful and productive because I won’t be overwhelmed with deadline after deadline from both with no respite.

Edit: Everything was resolved!

I asked for something life-changing today. I won’t know for a bit yet what the result is. It needs to be thought over and discussed.

Also I realized that every job application fits into this goal.

On Saturday, we were at our usual restaurant so early that they were handing out breakfast menus again. This time as she was walking away, I quickly addressed her and asked if we could see the lunch menus and she got them for us cheerfully.

We found out that they could serve lunch and I could enjoy my meal because I was able to pick something I actually liked.

I’ve been doing this lately by asking if I can go places with Kevin or with my friends. I have always felt a lot of anxiety doing this but I have steadily improved on just going for it and minimizing thinking about it too much before hand. If I don’t ask for what I want there is a high probability I won’t get it. ;)

• I want the manager that I interviewed with to get back to me and tell me I’m hired! – I can’t really ask for this.

• I want boyfriend to go with me to take the cat to the vet tomorrow. – Can’t justify this one, being that the cat and the boyfriend hate eachother… I’m going to ask anyway becuase I think I need the support. I’m scared!

• I want my cat to not have a chronic illness!- Can’t really ask for that.

• I want another conversation about me moving in. -Another scary one.

• I want boyfriend to NOT go on vacation without me. I just don’t know if I can handle that. His 2 week business trips are hard enough. 6 weeks on another continent with no (affordable) cell phone service. And being flat out jealous that he can afford to go and I can’t. Ahh. – But how terrible would I be to ask him something so selfish. I don’t think I could actually ask.

• I want to NOT have to spend my Sunday up in hometown. It’s too much gas, too much of my limited free time and too much time away from the potentially sick cat. – I don’t need to ask for this. But I need to defend my decision from my sister.

• I want boyfriend to help me cook for my book club meeting. I will ask and depending on his mood he’ll be excited or resentfull. Grr. So moody.

So I just took it! Haha.

I finally got my cover letter done and another round of resume editing. And yardwork. And cleaned the kitchen. And washed my car. And farted around on the internet. And tried to find the farmer’s market in the nearby small town (got there too late though). And did laundry.

All these things I’ve needed to do for weeks and haven’t felt like I’ve had a moment alone to do them.

Still need more time to do more job hunting, clean the rest of the house, get caught up on my reading and get my ass to the gym.

Also the lawn will need cut again in what? 24 hours or so. Damn lawn

This one is going to be hard. I spend weekends at my boyfriend’s house. I feel really bad about spending our time together doing other things. But this is my top priority right now. I will tell him that I need to spend Sunday in front of a computer, be it at his house or mine and I need minimal interuptions.