say exactly what I mean

Yes, well… I said exactly what I meant. My boss on the other hand… I totally felt like I was in a Western or something, and I said, “Cover me!” and ran out in the street, dodging bullets, and my boss forgot what he was doing and went into the saloon and had a beer.

Meh.

So in some ways, I sound like an idiot for sticking to my guns. (OMG, that must be where that expression comes from?!)

But I am proud of myself for preparing, for saying what needed to be said in this situation. I don’t think this man is going to be terminated, or indeed that any of the discipline my boss and I had agreed upon before the meeting is going to be meted out. But at least I tried, and I did it with grace.

He has asked for a private meeting with my boss today. I imagine his strategy will be to try & get me fired. Little does he know I have only 26 working days (and 1.5 hours) left!

I am learning how to do this better. Next time, in my next job, I will know more, I will be more prepared. I’ll continue to improve.

This teacher is out sick today. :( Grrrrr! I suspect he is avoiding the situation. Anyway, I will take care of it when he is back!

Today I get to give a performance review to someone who’s made my life hell. I think he just realized yesterday, as I was observing his class, that he may have misjudged me. Just because I cry does not mean I’m weak. I’ve been gathering evidence and preparing for this review and he will not make it about me. My secret weapon: I’ve already resigned my position but he doesn’t know it so there’s absolutely no way he can get me fired – but he will probably think that’s his best strategy. I’m strong. I’m calm. I’ve been given good advice and for once I know what I’m doing. I will say what I mean and stick to my guns. Wish me luck.

Recently I have made comments to several acquaintances about the fact that I am looking for work and am not very happy at my job. Nearly everyone exclaims, “But I thought you loved your job!” This morning, I was at a cafe getting a Friday morning treat, and the woman working there asked me how I liked working at the language school, and I said, “I love it. It’s really cool to meet so many interesting people from all over the world.” So I guess I can see how people get the wrong idea. LOL

This is difficult because I’m not sure how to be politely truthful in this case. In yoga, there’s the concept of satya, which is truthfulness, but it needs to be balanced by ahimsa, which is non-violence, or more accurately, non-harming. If I were to tell the truth about my job, it would be involve saying some harmful things about my company and my colleagues there. I’m a very loyal person and I don’t believe I should be hurting my company’s reputation, regardless of what goes on there, and I want to find a way to uphold both satya and ahimsa when talking about my job. How can I respond to questions like, “How do you like working there?”

Suggestions are welcome. :)

If you’re not familiar with yoga philosophy, I write about this a bit more here: http://yogajourneys.blogspot.com/2009/05/satya-to-tell-whole-truth-and-nothing.html

Tell people the way I feel about them either good or bad. Trying not to bottle up my thoughts and emotions.To not to let thoughts of fear and rejection scare me. I have a voice! Shy or quiet wont be my label anymore! .....love the label: BOLD and BRAVE!

I’m double posting the entry below to this goal, because it is defining more exactly what I mean by “say exactly what I mean”. I’m giving up on a related goal and focusing my intentions for both goals into this single one.

All these slightly redundant goals are bugging me. At the time I added them, there was a clear distinction between them in my mind, but now I feel like I don’t need all of them. I’ve been considering which one to drop, and I’ve decided that it should be this one.

In thinking about these goals, I’ve realized that I’ve become slightly paranoid about communication. I’ve lost confidence in my ability to communicate effectively. I don’t know if this comes from increased awareness of my issues with face-to-face communication, or whether I’ve actually become a worse communicator… or whether I’m wrong about this aspect of myself altogether. I am only just beginning to understand how the dysfunctional communication in my last relationship has damaged my already fragile ability to talk about what matters.

Sometimes I do talk too much, it’s true. But more often, I think I say too little. I think the two goals say exactly what I mean and think before I speak capture more accurately my original intentions here. I went on a retreat program in June, and one of the things I came away with is how incredibly difficult it is for me to speak my truth. From my childhood through to the present, I have learned so many habits of disguise and denial. I want to learn to say what matters to me, what scares me, what makes me uncomfortable and what gives me joy without being misconstrued or causing harm through my words. I think all of these buried conversations in my head are extremely damaging to me, and I need to learn how to have them. My anxiety surrounding conversation, particularly directing conversation myself, is impeding my happiness and my success in life.

So talk less, say more is a great goal, a great goal for me even, but I think that the “talk less” part of it is very dangerous given my natural inclination to avoid difficult topics. I think that if I think before I speak and then make a concerted effort to say what I mean, not only in the sense of the intention behind my words but also in the sense of whatever it is that my heart wants to say, I will accomplish this goal as well. I guess I am simply rolling this goal into the other two. I will give it up for now, but want to be clear on my intentions in doing so.

Maybe it’s because I’m half Japanese but it’s so hard for me to say exactly what I mean directly. It doesn’t have to be a difficult or personal topic for me to have difficulty with it. For example, last night I was out with a friend and my boyfriend had offered to pick me up. He said to call him when we were ready. So I called him and said, “We’re just settling the bill.” And he said, “Does that mean you’re ready to go?” Somehow it’s hard even to ask, “Can you come get me now?” In Japanese, I’m pretty sure that’s a normal way to make a request. (I’m not a native Japanese speaker, but I feel like I got a lot of the communication patterns anyway, and I’ve lived in Japan.) But in English, I think I need to be more direct about things in order to be misunderstood less. I don’t know how to learn to do it. I guess my boyfriend giving me reminders like this might be helpful.

Half the time I don’t know. That’s part of the problem. I think I grew up in an environment where it was not OK to speak one’s mind, so I’ve developed all these coping skills for inferring what is not said, and for implying or just plain covering up what I really mean. This is so difficult for me.

I’m becoming aware recently of this sensation of having so much going on in my internal world. I feel like the outside world is moving too quickly and I don’t have enough time to figure out what’s going on inside and to say it before the moment passes. And sometimes I know what is going on inside and I’m too slow to say it, or I say it and it comes out wrong. I’ve realized that this sensation has been going on for me for a long time, but I’ve never been aware of it.

Now I’m starting a new relationship and I really want to do it right. But already I’m realizing that my new boyfriend often misunderstands what’s going on with me. I think some of this is him, because I see these communication patterns he has with other people, but also some of it is me. The good thing is we have really open communication and he asks a lot of questions, which helps me say what I need to say. But I feel there are a lot of important things inside that are not getting said, and sometimes I don’t even know what those are.

This needs work. I hope he’ll be willing to help me work on it. I hope I’ll be able to ask him for help!

Figuring out exactly what I mean in certain situations is the first hurdle.

I feel @#$% up for a 48 year old :) . I have so many aspects of my life together but then again…......